Can I destroy my daughter’s world again?

[laurah8920]

Ok so long story short, I’ve been with husband 16 years! 2 girls age 11 and 13. Over the years theres been many indiscretions on his part, and one affair which I forgave, fast forward 4 years to last year he left me out of the blue and was gone for 9 months. I was finally starting to move on when he came back and wanted me back and I stupidly took him back! Now 6 months on I’ve just found out he’s been messaging someone else and she’s then messaged me to let me know. Now Im not terribly unhappy he’s a good man to me day to day and never shouts or gets angry at me but instead cries and plays the poor me card when he’s caught doing anything wrong. The thing is my 2 daughters are so happy to have dad home and as far as they are aware we are very happy as we don’t argue. How do I destroy their world again and kick him out ! How do I take the humiliation of people knowing it didn’t work out? I know people will say it’s my fault for taking him back, but honestly it just seemed like the right thing to do! I’ve been with him longer than I’ve not I met him at 16 he’s all I’ve ever known. Please be kind!

i honestly know what I have to do! I just don’t want to do it, like I say I haven’t been unhappy and neither have my girls they have no idea about any of his infidelities. Thank you for being so kind

It's his responsibility to tell your children that he's messed up again, I'd make sure I was in the room while he's doing it.

As a mother you have to remember if you tolerate this your child will think this is normal. Then someday they will be in the same shoes. Show your daughters what is not acceptable

They will know at some point in the future though. These things always come out in the end.

Would you think your daughters should stay in a relationship with a husband like yours?

I hope not. I hope you’d encourage them in the self respect you need to model.

you’re not wrecking their lives, he is. And your life is important too.

As far as I can see, you have three options. 1 - Stay married, pretend everything's fine while knowing he will never be faithful, inevitably lose respect and affection for him and/or yourself. 2 - Tell him to leave again. Probably this will go much like last time. 3 - Try a separated-but-living-together thing. Might work, might be the worst of both worlds.

Which option seems the least bad to you? Both for now and for the next 5, 10, 20 years?

I'm so sorry for you OP, you sound like a good and kind person. He betrayed his promised to you and hurt you terribly; you wanted to believe he had learned from those mistakes and you did the incredibly generous, brave and difficult thing of trying again. And he has done it again. You cannot keep a man who is just unfaithful over and over, can you? Not really.

This is not on you. It is on him. If he cannot see the impact this has on you and his daughters, he is a blind and unthinking fool. If he can see it and does it anyway, it makes him a really bad person.

Either way, you cannot keep this man in your life or your daughter's lives, knowing this will be a recurring theme. Think how awful your girls will feel when they grow up, knowing that you put up with this "for them". The guilt of that will be brutal.

Far better for them to see you face this awful thing that has happened and rebuild your life, to go on to prosper and flourish without your DP.

Good luck x

That's probably denial talking and has nothing to do with forgiveness, don't kid yourself. In reality you are showing them that it doesn't really matter how badly a man treats you because just keep taking them back. They will go on to have the kind of relationships you are modeling.

Their Father destroyed their world not you.

Just explain in age appropriate language what’s happened.

Do not model to your daughters that men can treat women like shit.

As much as my Mother was not perfect she took no crap from men and divorced twice.This was way back in the 1960’s the first time. She had 3 things in her favour, she earned well, she was exceptionally clever and was also beautiful which as a package gave her high self esteem. That is what you want to give your daughters it’s the best thing you could ever do for them.

If you chose to end the marriage, it really won't "destroy their world". Sure they may be upset but you can explain in an age appropriate way why you are splitting. Literally millions of kids have survived this. Good luck.

He's not a good man though is he? Be an example for your daughters and get rid of this "man"!

Also, you deserve to be completely happy!

I know at least 2 women whose dads were continually unfaithful and the mum turned a blind eye / took them back. Honestly dont carry on. They may be too young to realise what's happening now but they will over time and let's face it...hes not stopping is he? Its really not good long term.

It’s not destroying their world

you are a human being and you deserve sooooo much better

that’s all I can say , rewrote the script
and stop taking on all the responsibility

he broke the vows
not you

You aren't destroying their world, that's very dramatic. It's just going to change, and it's not you that's done it. They will be completely fine.

I think it's quite common to take someone back for a final try like you did, it didn't work. I really don't think anyone will think much about it at all. You know for sure now that it isn't going to work.

You matter too here, it's not just about him or the children. You can't bring those children up to the best of your abilities if you are living every day in a situation where you are being treated like you don't matter.

It's not enough to be in a relationship where you don't get shouted at.

You are teaching your daughters that any man is better than none. Get rid.

"Indiscretions"? There's no such thing. He is serially unfaithful, he has abandoned you, he picks you up and drops you to suit himself. Have some self respect and leave him, for your daughters' sake if not your own. Because if you don't you are setting them up to do the same. He is raising your daughters to accept men as fickle creatures who just come and go when they like and women are just there to pick up the pieces. You seem to accept that. What happened in your own early life to make that seem normal?

What do you mean by "destroying their world"? Are you saying that if you left he would punish you and his daughters by not seeing them? Then he is utterly worthless as a father as well as a husband.

Do you think your DH felt upset about upsetting his daughters world when he messaged this woman? Knowing that he had already been kicked out for cheating? Just remember it’s not you that’s upset their world, it’s him. I’m sure they wouldn’t want you to be a doormat on their behalf. Leave, move on and be happy

It sounds like when he left last time you both made it out to be a mutual decision snd "took it on the chin" to not blame him. I understand that , it's awful to trash the other parent. But I think they are old enough to understand fidelity (I mean it's all over tv ticktock etc and kid's relationships are all about who cheated on who etc) so I think this time it's ok to gently tell them about the truth in age appropriate language. The truth does always make more sense to them.
You are not destroying their world, they know from last time that they will still see him , maybe wait until after Christmas to save that issue but give him the cold warning that he needs to keep it in his pants until then and after that he's out and that the girls will know why, so he'd better find somewhere to go.
In the end it'll be better for your self respect, you are still young and he has literally cheated on you for years.

So when he left for 9 months he was in touch with your children?

If I were you, I would tell him it's over and pressure him to tell the girls why it's over: because he cheated again. I would put that difficult conversation on him.

I think the lesson from mum taking dad back initially was that she is a forgiving person with strong family values who put her own pride, feelings and ego aside and forgave the cheating for the greater good of the family. Dad had a golden opportunity to change his ways, instead he again chose dalliances over the stability of the family and the feelings of the mother.
The only person who should feel ashamed is your husband. It takes a lot to forgive and a bigger person to give a second chance. You had 2 children with him it's understandable you wanted to make it work even at the cost of your own feelings. You have a kind heart and love your family, sadly his priorities are his dick first and foremost.

Please let him face your children and tell them why it's over.

I know you're trying to 'be kind', but your title in itself and whole attitude is so so damaging to women, damaging to your daughters. YOU aren't 'destroying your daughters world' . Their father is, and already has done.
The more women that tolerate this shit, the more men that remain so entitled and selfish, like their fathers.
You are currently modelling to your daughters that it's a women's role to put up and shut up.

This is not your fault.
You have modelled forgiveness but now you need to show your girls what having self respect looks like.
You deserve better than limping along in a dead marriage with a lying unfaithful husband.
Make steps after Christmas to live seperately and don't be sucked in again.

Firstly it's not you destroying your daughters world it's their father so that is the mindset you need to have. The second thing is, I have no doubt you would want your DD's to value their self-worth and to have relationships in the future where they feel loved and respected. You need to show them that it's not ok to be lied to by someone who is supposed to love them. Tell them calmly and factually why you are ending it. It could end up being one of the best things you teach them.

I'm sorry to say, you'll have to pick up the pieces when he runs off with yet another woman. He turns on the tears as he has nowhere to go yet. He doesn't consider how his actions impact you and your children. Do you want to spend the next 50/60yrs living like this, knowing that he's always looking for someone else? Time for you to assert some boundaries and some self respect. He's a selfish cheating prick & you deserve much better. Btw don't underestimate what the children know, they're more aware than we give them credit for.

What a pointless, nasty post. There is always something that be done.

Start today OP and teach your children that sometimes in life things don’t work out how you want them to but it is out of your hands and if someone is repeatedly disrespecting you it’s the right thing to not tolerate that. Teach your girls to know their worth.

Op, you seem to be happy to paper over the cracks in this awful relationship for reasons of your own, whatever they are. You're not doing yourself any favours by pretending that it has anything to do with forgiveness or kindness or whatever. It's expedient for you to continue with the marriage, that's all.

I certainly don't think it's modelling good behaviour to your children. If it was a one off affair, that would just about to debatable, but it's not. With any luck your children will grow up to know that serial adulterors should not be tolerated and excused. That will be in spite of you, not because of you.

Erm...no!

It actually takes someone very strong to forgive something like that. Sometimes infidelity isn't the worst thing that can happen in a relationship and couples can work through it and be stronger than ever. Your post is nasty!

However, I do think that the OP's husband does not deserve another chance in this case. It doesn't sound like he will ever change. He is weak, not OP.