Doubts early dating

[Princessleilatoo]

I’ve started dating a guy I met from Bumble. We have been on around five dates. Both late 30s. His marriage broke down due to his ex cheating and my last relationship ended because my ex didn’t want to get married. We are both looking for a serious relationship.

The first few dates were fun and I felt very excited by him - he seems to be the first normal and nice guy I’ve met in over ten years. Now I am worried things have gotten quite intense. I worry he is love bombing me - messages every morning and night, asks if I’m thinking about him, he misses me, there’s been some sexting. He is intense and full on.

I went to his place the other evening and we nearly got it on but I had to leave so I invited him over later in the week. He wasn’t sure he could make it.

Later he messaged to say he would like to come over. Then he deleted the message and said we should dial it down, he really likes me, doesn’t want it to be just sex, and not sure if we will be compatible because he thinks we inhabit different worlds, I’m consumed by my job, and we are both fiesty. A few things he mentioned.

I suggested we call it a day if he’s voicing doubts after only a few dates and a hot make out session. Then he said he’s being cautious because he’s been hurt, he is anxious because he really likes me, and he’s weird and complex until he feels secure. He then asked multiple times about us living together, how that would work etc because he is looking
for something serious. He reiterated that he’s really into me and wants to come over if I will still have him and he thanked me for reassuring him.

I asked him if he felt this way about two women he was seeing earlier this year and he said no, it’s probably he likes me so much. He said if we fall in love, he wouldn’t want to lose me, and when he’s all in, he’s all in.

I’ll be honest - I’m super into this guy and I’ve been anxious too and have doubts but I speak to my friends about it and am keeping an open mind while I get to know this guy as it’s so early on.

I’ve spoken to a couple of my guy friends who say no red flags, at our age everyone will have baggage like this.

But this feels weird to me - surely after 5 dates, it should be all fun and excitement and not talk of compatibility.

any thoughts?

I would dump him and never look back. What's this anxious stuff? At best he's needy at worst he's love moving/gaslighting.

You said you wanted to get married? I can guarantee you this guy will string you along and blow hot and cold and you won't achieve your objective.

Just block him (send a final message if you want). If you don't do that, you'll post again next year in tears. Plenty of these losers on dating apps, unfortunately

After 5 dates, don't waste any more of your time on this needy loser. You just know you are going to spend the rest of your life reassuring him and trying to keep him happy. Throw him back in and keep on fishing, there's someone out there who won't be raising serious issues so early on.

I think he's desperate to be in love, but that doesn't actually make him a bad person. As you like him, I'd be inclined to talk to him and tell him to slow down.

But this feels weird to me - surely after 5 dates, it should be all fun and excitement and not talk of compatibility

Why aren't you acting on what you feel?

That’s weird. Why doesn’t he just call over and see how it goes? Far too much analysing going on. I don’t understand his excuse of he likes you too much.

Dating later on in life is hard work. And imo you get worried, do I waste my time? Is he/she genuine? What happens if it doesn't work out? Etc etc you could both be feeling vulnerable it's hard to let you guard down

Go with your gut instinct.

thanks for your comments

peppapig79 yes it’s tough and he does have a lot of baggage. Meanwhile I don’t other than I’m anxious that he may not be genuine. He’s just a stranger I’ve met off the internet and he could be anyone. I’m concerned he’s so intense. But if it’s coming from a good and genuine place, I’d like to carry on seeing him. I just can’t figure it out.

i guess all I can do is continue to see him and take it slowly and be guarded myself.

You welcome. I've been there.
Unfortunately the older you get the more baggage we seem to have. I certainly do. I met someone who swooped me off my feet but it ended because of his neediness and manipulation. I let my guard down.
I think my point is that if you don't let your guard down you will never know. I think the anxiety is perfectly normal. He could be the love of your life or not but you won't know unless you try and if you feel it's not right then it isn't and you live and learn from experience. Just have fun :)

peppapig79 don’t you think it’s concerning he’s voicing doubts so early on? And about me unlike the other women he dated? To be honest we are from completely diff backgrounds

Everything is concerning when we first meet people imo I think we go into fight or flight mode. You sound like you are alarmed already so if your gut tells you no, go with your gut but if you like him there is no harm in seeing where it goes. Just don't rush. There is no magic answer from anyone to tell you if he's the one for you or not. Maybe one more date with him and see how it goes, how you feel, do you have butterflies or is your alarm bells going off x

This push me pull you behaviour is a red flag , I would end it now before you get sucked in any further.

Do you want children Op @Princessleilatoo

I’m afraid it doesn’t look good, he sounds very insecure, in fact both of you do, by all means have a serious chat with him about the future, what you both want.

Good luck

What you're saying doesn't seem too bad initially, but what would concern me is the fact you are doubting him. You should trust your own instincts. They are there for a reason.
Ask yourself some questions. Voice your doubts. Is he telling you that you can't be fiesty or put your work above him?
Financially, are you in similar positions? Or is he so quick because he wants out of his current situation?
Why the rush for you, op? Are you wanting to move this on as quickly as him?

You're 5 dates in and he's asking
"did you miss me" and asking how it would work when you move in together?!

Hell no! Red flags galore, run like the fucking wind!

I’m considerably more well off and more established in my career
I own, he rents
I’m late 30s and want to settle down

Iliveinanoodie I want to get to know him first. Who knows after a handful of dates? But he seems to be picking up on incompatibility or maybe he just wants to take it slow. I don’t know.

i really like him and it also scares me. I haven’t met anyone like him in over ten years.

Oh god, don't do it! Cocklodger!

Date other men in parallel. Don't restrict yourself at this stage. You should be flooding the market!

Dating isn't hard. If you have doubts, ditch them. Dating the right person isn't hard, and dating the wrong person doesn't last very long.

His behaviour would put me off. Too intense, too soon. But we're all different.

Sounds like the sort of things a guy might trot out before they’ve got you into bed then ghost you after they’ve got what they wanted.

Never mind all him being needy and anxious, he’s not making you feel good and his explanations aren’t helping.

Personally I’d say it’s not worth the hassle emotional angst after only 5 dates. Do you like how all of this is making you feel? If yes, carry on. If no, call it a day. It really is that simple.

Trying to decipher what he’s on about is a red herring. You’re trying to validate and see the best in him and a situation that is confusing you. Which is fine, but your inner self is saying she doesn’t like it. Why aren’t you listening to and acting on that?

What. Five dates in and he's taking about living together. Oh right you own and he rents... yeah thought so

Fuck me. Dating should be fun. It's the push pull thing. He's being a dick already at five dates in. It won't get any better.

Abort plans and block

Definitely don't let him move in

Sounds like he is trying to love bomb you and extremely insecure. I've had one of these and it really mind fucks you and sucks the fun out of the dating

You're right. I shouldn't be thinking 'is he using me for sex' and that's why he has backtracked after we nearly got it on? And he wants to take things slow and do things properly? I don't know, I find it all very confusing, along with mixed messages here, but most comments in agreement it's not good.

Your own confusion is the stop sign, @Princessleilatoo , regardless of any of the comments. A happy relationship isn't one where your partner makes you feel confused, so if that's how you feel, leave. A happy relationship makes you feel happy!