Doubts early dating

[Princessleilatoo]

I’ve started dating a guy I met from Bumble. We have been on around five dates. Both late 30s. His marriage broke down due to his ex cheating and my last relationship ended because my ex didn’t want to get married. We are both looking for a serious relationship.

The first few dates were fun and I felt very excited by him - he seems to be the first normal and nice guy I’ve met in over ten years. Now I am worried things have gotten quite intense. I worry he is love bombing me - messages every morning and night, asks if I’m thinking about him, he misses me, there’s been some sexting. He is intense and full on.

I went to his place the other evening and we nearly got it on but I had to leave so I invited him over later in the week. He wasn’t sure he could make it.

Later he messaged to say he would like to come over. Then he deleted the message and said we should dial it down, he really likes me, doesn’t want it to be just sex, and not sure if we will be compatible because he thinks we inhabit different worlds, I’m consumed by my job, and we are both fiesty. A few things he mentioned.

I suggested we call it a day if he’s voicing doubts after only a few dates and a hot make out session. Then he said he’s being cautious because he’s been hurt, he is anxious because he really likes me, and he’s weird and complex until he feels secure. He then asked multiple times about us living together, how that would work etc because he is looking
for something serious. He reiterated that he’s really into me and wants to come over if I will still have him and he thanked me for reassuring him.

I asked him if he felt this way about two women he was seeing earlier this year and he said no, it’s probably he likes me so much. He said if we fall in love, he wouldn’t want to lose me, and when he’s all in, he’s all in.

I’ll be honest - I’m super into this guy and I’ve been anxious too and have doubts but I speak to my friends about it and am keeping an open mind while I get to know this guy as it’s so early on.

I’ve spoken to a couple of my guy friends who say no red flags, at our age everyone will have baggage like this.

But this feels weird to me - surely after 5 dates, it should be all fun and excitement and not talk of compatibility.

any thoughts?

Thanks Watchkeys I did wonder whether it was my anxiety...but apparently he is feeling the same? shrugs

But if it's your anxiety, then that's what this relationship is giving you: anxiety. Why would you keep something in your life, knowing it made you anxious?

If only it was this simple personally I don't think it is that easy

I’d disagree about the lack of red flags.
Thinking he’s complex is quite a red flag, quite conceited and a sign that he views himself as a bit superior, a game player.
who could be arsed?

Then you re making it harder for yourself. I could say that making beans on toast wasn't easy in my opinion because I go to Utah to get my beans. It wouldn't be the task that was making things difficult, but the way I did it.

We can each make it as hard or easy for ourselves as we want to, dependent on how much of other people's nonsense we choose to put up with.

Sounds like he's lovebombing you and preparing the ground for hot 🔥 & cold 🥶 treatment .

Red flags.

I'd give him a swerve.

OP I am currently heartbroken over a guy who told me 6 months ago that he really, really liked me but that he was worried about getting hurt again after his ex wife cheated.

I overlooked this "minor point" and ran with it. I've got to the point where I've fallen head over heels for him, and he's binned me off. As he's afraid of commitment and getting hurt.

I'd leave it now before you get too involved.

It’s an easy ‘no’. Don’t date men who are overly needy, anxious, have doubts, say they are afraid to be hurt, the list go on. Waste of time, emotions, energy. Listen to your gut feeling and get out before you become a part of his messy world. There’s nothing here to explore, wait for, hope for.

Red flags here in my view, future faking, bread crumming, getting you accustomed to the rollercoaster of highs and lows, planting seeds for you to pity and excuse his behaviour because you feel sorry for him and want to help him. You could continue in the relationship and see what happens next, but I suspect you'll get more of the same.

My friend is in a similar position to you and OLD. She met someone recently and felt similarly. She never meets anyone normal any more, this guy was potentially serious but endlessly bloody wittering on with one emotional drama or another. She asked him to choose somewhere for drinks if he wanted to meet up and got a ten minute phone moan on how he wanted to be spontaneous on a cold rainy night in November and it was all too much for him.

She went back to it being a numbers game, pushed through a miserable couple of weeks with a bunch of first dates and some right idiots, took a couple further and is now early stages with someone who is not all about the drama. It did absolutely take putting herself back out there and trying again though.

He sounds like hard work. Once you're out of it you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

At the least bide your time. Slow it down - ie go on another date or 2, rather than him coming to yours (that will most likely lead to a step further than before).

On Monday he was messaging me lots, saying he missed me etc. Tuesday and Wednesday he hasn’t messaged good morning and hasn’t engaged much. I get we can’t message every day, all day long and I’ve been glad he’s toned it down. But it doesn’t feel good - is he annoyed? Pulling back? We agreed he would come over tomorrow but now I’m not feeling so good about it.

If you're not feeling good about it, you could cancel. What's the point in hanging out with him if you're not feeling good about it? Especially at these early stages, you should be feeling excited to see him.

As others have pointed out, he's getting you used to hot and cold behaviour already. If you continue to explore things with him, you can expect for that behaviour to continue. Is this what you want from a relationship?

Yes.

OP, hot & cold treatment messes with people's heads quite quickly. It's a psychologically powerful thing: intermittent reinforcement, if you google.

Best not to stick around for it.

I'd back off from this guy and get back in the dating pool.