Am I overreacting here?

[Kai965]

Regular poster but using a new username for anonymity.

With my partner for just over a year, we don't live together. He has a 9yo boy, I have 2 young teen girls.

My partner and his family are very extrovert and me and my girls are more introvert. Increasingly I'm getting concerned by 2 things:

1. He wants me to tell my girls off if they are not engaging with him or look moody because he thinks it's rude. I think this is just being a teenager, they rarely answer back or say anything rude and if they do, I pull them up on it. On the other hand his son is very argumentative and will argue black is white and never back down. I think this is rude but he disagrees and thinks he's just spirited. This leads to my girls feeling its unfair that his son gets away with behaviour they wouldn't, and I see their point. He thinks it's fine because they are older so more is expected of them.

1. He has a boys will be boys attitude, eg he thinks it's societally acceptable for boys to argue back but not for girls. He thinks this is 'how the world is' and I'm doing my girls a disservice if I don't teach them this. I completely disagree and I'm worried about the impact on my girls of long term exposure to this attitude. He is never disrespectful to me but this underlying attitude worries me.

We have talked about these issues but don't seem to get anywhere.

Up until recently his son was OK with us. He has him 50/50 and we have tended to see both of them with my girls the weekends he has his son and for me to see him on my own the other weekend. This means my girls miss out on quality weekend time with me but he feels I'm not prioritising him enough if I don't see him every weekend pretty much. Normally just day trips and not overnight.

Last weekend his son had a big meltdown and accused me of stealing his dad and told me 'this is war'. This was triggered by his dad telling him he wouldn't be going to an annual school event this year because he was going to a one-off important event with me (an award ceremony). I understood the upset and didn't blame his son but did expect his dad to pull him up on the 'this is war' comment. He didn't. Then last night he tells me he is leaving my event early so he can go to the school event.

I feel he is capitulating to his son, teaching him that tantrums will get him his way and expecting me to prioritise our relationship in a way he isn't prepared to do himself. I'm furious and feel like this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Am I over reacting here?

I understand why he would have to leave your event for his son’s school event but the bigger problem would be his awful attitude towards your girls and what he’s saying about their ‘place.’ I don’t think I have ever heard anyone express views like that.

He's a misogynist.

Your boyfriend demands you take attention away from your own DC to give it to him, has sexist double standards when it comes to his and your DC’s behaviour and allows his DC to be disrespectful towards you. What do you think you’re overreacting to?

I would get out of that relationship and away from that little boy, as fast as I could! There is absolutely no benefit to your children and be near them, nor is there to you either.

He doesn't object to me arguing back with him, which makes me second guess myself. I've told him I think this is unacceptable and he has said he will see if he can arrive late to the school event so he can stay for 30 mins after the ceremony (which is all I'm asking).

I've double checked with family and friends and all on my side think my girls are a bit socially awkward but not rude. And they find his son very cheeky and think he will be trouble when older!

I think he may as well not come to my event if he is going to dash off as soon as the ceremony is over. I didn't expect him to stay for drinks but just long enough to actually see me, as I'll be sat separately and for a hug/photo. Now I feel like he will be clock watching and not really present and might as well not be there.

But the bigger problem is that this isn't fair on my girls.

Oh dear god bet rid. He thinks its ok for boys to argues but girls should just take it? Fuck that. You don’t want your girls around this.

Do get rid of this man and his son who is fast becoming a carbon copy of his dad. You do not want to keep exposing yourself and your daughters to all this crap. Raise the bar here both for you and your DDs.

Blimey - a 9 year old talking like that? Poor kid.

Do not let your girls be bullied by him.

I'm glad others feel the 9yo was out of line - but really I'm not mad at him but at his dad. I always told my girls you feel what you feel and it's okay to be angry/upset/frustrated etc but you're responsible for how you behave and the words you use. I was definitely teaching them this at age 9.

I think this needs a face to face conversation so for the moment my plan is to have a nice weekend with my girls and not him and then arrange to meet him somewhere for a serious talk. But I think we've probably reached the end of the road, it just sucks this is going to mess up our Christmas plans and I'll miss out on a holiday we had booked together in Jan! But I have to put my girls first. I was single for 7 years before I met him, I can do it again until my girls leave home if need be.

As someone who’s mum married an absolute arse who made my life a misery as a teenager - commenting on everything from my weight (as a man who had an older daughter with an ED history) to the TV shows I watched alone on an evening, deleting them if they weren’t to his liking, hiding food in the family fridge to teach me boundaries, to at one point assaulting me and trying to drive a wedge between me and her by repeatedly telling her how awful I was (I, like your girls was a typical teenager but in no way rude), I’d absolutely say your girls and their happiness must come first.
My mum knew how much I suffered to the point I wouldn’t leave my room when I was in the house, yet stayed with him. I moved out at 19 because I couldn’t stand him any longer and when she was left alone, that’s when she realised. I resent her to this day and refuse to allow her unsupervised contact with my DS because I don’t trust her to keep him emotionally or physically safe.
I’m glad you are thinking of your girls as this can damage them for a long time and you all deserve better than this ‘man’.

@happytimesahead22 I'm so sorry to hear this, this is my fear. My girls and I talk very openly. They liked him to start with but now they are starting to feel they aren't being treated fairly. They are really very accommodating, they have accepted me going out to see him during the day at weekends and even arranged the odd sleepover with friends so I can sleep over at his. (They don't see their dad regularly, he was emotionally abusive and is now an absent parent.) This would be okay if he was also accommodating of them, but I don't feel he is. It can't be a one way street.

He wants you to train your dd's to accept him and his ds are primary members of your blended family.. Please tell him to fuck off.

For your dd's you absolutely must get rid..

A year in? You should both hardly know each others kids, never mind be at this stage. And this mess is the reason why

It will say a lot to your girls that you prioritize their needs and also don't stand for misogynistic attitudes in a partner, fantastic life lessons you are modelling for them by moving this partner on. Also your girls may benefit from quality time with you while they are still young and living with you, and it sounds like maybe there is less of this with this man's expectations for weekends atm. Could your girls go to the award ceremony with you?

Your poor daughters being around these people.

Hard to believe you have allowed it to go on so long.

Please put your children ahead of this awful man and his child before they damage your daughters.

They should not be exposed to such a bully.

What do you think your tolerance for this behaviour is teaching your daughters?

Exactly.

Your poor daughters, OP. With a shit father and now this?? What the hell are you teaching them to accept from relationships??

You should be prioritizing them, not your love life. Period.

Ditch this toxic misogynist oaf and care for your children.

Exactly this.

He's the type that would bully tjem relentlessly in their own home utterly destroying their lives until they eventually get away from him and you.

Only a year into this relationship and he is bullying them?

You clearly introduced them very quickly.

Men like him destroy the lives of children whose mothers put a relationship ahead of their children.

Don't be that woman, your girls deserve better than a bullying pig in their young lives.

We started with maybe one activity together a month six months in. At first it was fine, but the last three months or so his expectations seem to have changed and it's creating an unfair environment, so I'll be putting my girls' needs first.

I would be out with the boys will be boys attitude.

His needs and his sons needs always going to be more important than yours and your daughters

Grim. Misogynist.

This is only going to get worse. I think you have a man who thinks the world should revolve around him (and his male offspring, or men in general basically). Your girls are seeing him for who he is. Its probably harder for you to come to terms with because you are only a year in and it started out so good. Take note of all this stuff, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

He has shown you the way this relationship is going to go. He is already starting to sideline your girls and pick them apart. It will only get worse.

I'd cut your losses and walk away personally, as hard as that might be.

Put your girls first. Every time.

OP, I'm glad you feel you can ditch this guy and cope well alone - many women can't imagine such a scenario and stay in awful situations as a result.

Just a thought going forward, and not meant to sound like a criticism. As the girls' father was emotionally abusive, and this fellow seems to be edging this way, what do you feel you have learned about your own emotional patterns? I would think, when the time is right, talking this through in age appropriate terms with your girls could be a very powerful 'teaching moment' and might inoculate them from the sort of abuse you've endured.

All the best.

@Kai965 Please never lose that channel of communication with your girls, it is so important.
I woke up one morning on a family holiday to find my mum not speaking to me and her, him and my younger brother tagging along, storming out of the apartment for breakfast without a word to me or explanation of what was wrong. Turns out when we’d got in from an evening excursion prior, he’d spent all night nagging her about how I’d not been grateful enough for it.

These ‘men’ only see their own wants/needs and feelings and will do whatever it takes to make sure that comes first. Other children are an inconvenience to their ends/aims and are not tolerated or treated in such a way to let them know they are inferior.
I am nearly 30 and still impacted by this.
You can have a wonderful life without this stress and knowing you can keep your girls safe emotionally.
Take care of you all

Put your daughters first. This relationship is not good for them.

I met my DPs son last week for the first time. We have been together 3.5 years.

Get this prick out of your daughters lives.