Am I overreacting here?

[Kai965]

Regular poster but using a new username for anonymity.

With my partner for just over a year, we don't live together. He has a 9yo boy, I have 2 young teen girls.

My partner and his family are very extrovert and me and my girls are more introvert. Increasingly I'm getting concerned by 2 things:

1. He wants me to tell my girls off if they are not engaging with him or look moody because he thinks it's rude. I think this is just being a teenager, they rarely answer back or say anything rude and if they do, I pull them up on it. On the other hand his son is very argumentative and will argue black is white and never back down. I think this is rude but he disagrees and thinks he's just spirited. This leads to my girls feeling its unfair that his son gets away with behaviour they wouldn't, and I see their point. He thinks it's fine because they are older so more is expected of them.

1. He has a boys will be boys attitude, eg he thinks it's societally acceptable for boys to argue back but not for girls. He thinks this is 'how the world is' and I'm doing my girls a disservice if I don't teach them this. I completely disagree and I'm worried about the impact on my girls of long term exposure to this attitude. He is never disrespectful to me but this underlying attitude worries me.

We have talked about these issues but don't seem to get anywhere.

Up until recently his son was OK with us. He has him 50/50 and we have tended to see both of them with my girls the weekends he has his son and for me to see him on my own the other weekend. This means my girls miss out on quality weekend time with me but he feels I'm not prioritising him enough if I don't see him every weekend pretty much. Normally just day trips and not overnight.

Last weekend his son had a big meltdown and accused me of stealing his dad and told me 'this is war'. This was triggered by his dad telling him he wouldn't be going to an annual school event this year because he was going to a one-off important event with me (an award ceremony). I understood the upset and didn't blame his son but did expect his dad to pull him up on the 'this is war' comment. He didn't. Then last night he tells me he is leaving my event early so he can go to the school event.

I feel he is capitulating to his son, teaching him that tantrums will get him his way and expecting me to prioritise our relationship in a way he isn't prepared to do himself. I'm furious and feel like this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Am I over reacting here?

I don't necessarily think meeting kids and having some time together after 6 months is a problem. I wanted a relationship that would work towards blending families rather than an 'add on'.

However, blending our families is not working for me/my girls so I'll be taking action to protect us.

At the moment, I don't believe my girls have been harmed. They have challenged me on his behaviour, which shows they recognise it to be wrong and have their self-esteem intact. And that they feel they can talk to me openly. But I need to respond to that challenge by taking action.

Your daughter's challenged you on his behaviour and that wasn't enough for you?

You have come on to an anonymous site to check out are you being unreasonable because you haven't accepted what your children have told you?

I think your boundaries are poor.

I agree with the poster that you could do with some counselling and doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You had an abusive husband and have spent a year with a man who has ratcheted up his nasty dominant personality, targeting your children.

I wouldn't be so confident that your children are so fine, particularly as you haven't believed them enough to take short, sharp action.

They have been allowed to witness two males be utterly disrespectful.

You have allowed even a 9 year old speak to you like that🙄 and yet you still needed to ask were you being unreasonable?

Do some work on your boundaries and assertiveness so that you can model these strengths for your daughters to see.

Yes, this.

Don't sacrifice your daughters' lifelong emotional health for some silly fantasy about "blended families."

They shouldn't have these grim people, and distressing strife, forced into their lives just to coddle your emotional wishes. Be the adult and protect them.

Any man expressing misogynistic views like that wouldn't be anywhere near me, or my dd.

Absolutely not.

He's an out and out misogynist. Your daughter's self esteem is intact despite the presence of this man in their lives - he will erode it over time. Why on earth would you expose your children to him?

I’m glad you have decided not to inflict this awful man on your daughters any more

Ditto everyone regarding what a shit this man is to your girls.

With regard to the award/school event. If it is a school nativity or something well these are really important to 9 year olds. And personally I think he should prioritise his kid in this situation rather than his girlfriend of a year.

If I were you I would tell him not to come and to take a friend instead. Then he is free to see his child who obviously is having problems with the whole situation 😟.

Protect your daughters from this man!

Fucking hell, read back what you have written in your OP. You can't expose them to this.

Agree with this. He should be going to his kid's event.

Yeah, you don't need a sexist who expects your dds to be subservient in your lives.

Get him gone.

You know what we're all going to say, you could have worked it out for yourself.

You're prioritising a shit of a man over your daughters. Stop it. In your shoes, because i am a petty fucker, i would want to encourage them to argue with him and tell his obnoxious son to STFU.

In reality, I'd just sack the relationship off and concentrate on my daughters.

He’s a sexist pig who sees women as second class. Assuming you are female yourself, why on earth would you even give a man like that your attention?

Sorry but I don’t understand women who will date men who see them as lesser.

"2. He has a boys will be boys attitude, eg he thinks it's societally acceptable for boys to argue back but not for girls. He thinks this is 'how the world is' and I'm doing my girls a disservice if I don't teach them this. I completely disagree and I'm worried about the impact on my girls of long term exposure to this attitude. He is never disrespectful to me but this underlying attitude worries me."

No, no, no, noooooo. I want to bang my head on the wall when I read this. Take any cross section of professions which can be difficult to get into let alone work your way up e.g. lawyer or finance. The women you will find employed in there are NOT the doormat "say yes and don't argue" type.

I am a strong woman who married an amazing lovely man who treats me well because I wouldn't ever tolerate less. My best friends are all strong and argumentative women who are high up in their careers and between us none of us have had a any kind of abusive or shitty relationship. I think because we all either recognise the shit ones early and walk away or we don't attract them in the first place. I'm teaching my daughter and nieces how to express themselves, argue a point and to stand up for themselves. I desperately want them to grow up strong and happy. Please anyone reading this do the same.

Secondly, this is a perfect opportunity for him to teach his son about recognising negative feelings and expressing them in an appropriate way instead of letting it build up until you end up exploding and being rude. If his son has been feeling like dad isn't spending enough quality time with him he should have felt able to say something before it got to this point. What will it be next time he kicks off about because he doesn't have a parent helping him grow emotional maturity. Very poor parenting which in itself is unattractive.

I think you would benefit from the Freedom Programme

If when he first found out about the school event, he had told me 'sorry Kai I have to go to my son's event' I would have accepted it. What has made me angry is that he knew about it for like 2 weeks, knew it would upset his son, told me he'd come anyway and the about turn only happened when his son threw a tantrum about it. So now his son will think that it's ok to be disrespectful to me and that he gets his way if he throws a tantrum. If he's only going to be half present because he's clock watching, I'd rather he didn't come anyway.

More generally, though, I think it's been a gradual realisation for me over the past few weeks that this isn't right and the red flags are mounting up.

I have done the Freedom programme when I left my husband. Nothing in this guy's behaviour was raising any red flags for me in the first 9 months.

You are still focused on this man and not that for the past 3 months he has been a misogynistic bullying pig around your daughters.

They have an abusive father and you have allowed this man access to them even though they are not happy with his behaviour.

Stop focusing on him and focus on your daughters and what they have clearly told you.

You need to re do the Freedom programme as you have tolerated 3 months of red flags even though your 9 year old daughters have clearly pointed them out to you.

Forget about this man and the event.

The sad truth is this pig has rightly prioritised his son ahead of his girlfriend, unlike you.

Are you going to finish with him?

You need to wash your hands of this man, and concentrate on your own self esteem and your daughters.
Its better to mess up one Christmas than your beautiful daughters lives.
This situation will only get worse if you continue in this relationship. I believe you know this deep down, you know it’s not acceptable, and it will be a weight of your shoulders to finally show this misogynist the door.

Honestly, it’s coming across that you’re only actually concerned about you and your event, and you were happy to gloss over his attitude and treatment of your daughters if you’d had someone to attend this event as your partner.

either way, now he’s treating you as poorly as he is your daughters, I’d put the relationship in the bin. It’s still November, so it doesn’t have to have an impact on Christmas.

You really do seem disproportionately bothered about your event than how your daughters are being treated. In fact that he prioritises his sons event over yours is the only redeeming feature of him that you have mentioned. Of course he should go to that not your award thing and on that occasion, good for the son in telling him so. You should both maybe look deeper into the comment that you are stealing his dad, it suggests to me that the son is also unsettled by the haste you have rushed into blending families.

I am glad you have decided to end things though, your daughters will be relieved about that I am sure.

Gawd, this happened to me when my mum met her 2nd husband, I spent all my time in my bedroom and eventually left to live with my dad. It was a miserable time. I really feel for your girls

Doesn’t sound like this guys values are healthy, which you’ve clearly realised.

It sounds like you've handled this all really well and I think it is actually a bit of a bonus for your girls to encounter someone like this man, see his behaviour for what it is and see you go through the steps of ending the relationship. Being able to talk to your girls about red flags in real life rather than hpothetical ones it will be great learning for them. And I'm sorry you've invested this time and energy into this relationship and it's not worked out but you can feel good that your instincts, integrity and processes are strong.

This thread is the very reason I will stay single until my DD leaves home - which will be a while as she’s only 6. I had her, her happiness & mental well-being matters more than mine. Even if I met the best man in the world, they wouldn’t be meeting my DD after 12 months.

Please don’t undo your previous hard work with your DD’s by showing them you’re choosing this man over them. End the relationship & date when they leave home. They’ll remember how you protected them.