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Original poster

What is the etiquette here ?

45 replies

army2426 · 28/11/2022 22:32

Ok, so been dating someone for the last month. Proper gentlemen, we have a lot in common and get on well! Good sex etc. anyway, he came over the other day.. I asked him if was messaging anyone else as I wasn't. He said he was messaging other people. Which, at this stage I think is fine. We're both single! I personally couldn't and wouldn't want to ( but maybe I should be )

I'm not sure feelings are there yet. I know I just like his company etc and we've both agreed we don't want to rush into anything as both come out of marriages that weren't entirely healthy and have kids etc..

However, the more I think about it, I don't know how to feel about it. Firstly, I'm thinking it feels a bit like he's keeping his options open ( which could be fine ha ) but then I'm worried I will catch feelings down the line and he's still messaging others and wanting to continue that.

He's been honest with me which is great, I just dunno whether to bring it up again and try to be clearer about where I'm at with it or just leave it?

I really don't know what it normal nowadays and what the etiquette is tbh.

Help!

OP posts:
RainbowUnicornPoo · 28/11/2022 22:35

Honestly... i think after 2 or 3 dates, you should really stop messaging other people. It is keeping options open. After a month I'd think he wasn't that keen and was holding out for something else.

ChrisTrepidation · 28/11/2022 22:36

The etiquette is whatever your feelings tell you it should be.

I'd be extremely unhappy if a guy was messaging other people after a month of dating. It feels like he's keeping his options open because he is. Never be someones option.

It would be a deal breaker for me. Please don't try and be a cool girl. Tell him you are unhappy about it and if he tried to make you feel unreasonable then you have your answer. You deserve better.

scoobydoo1971 · 28/11/2022 22:41

There is no etiquette required here, and it is ok to have feelings. That comes with intimacy and seeing someone regularly. You get fond of them. I reckon at the point where someone has seen you naked, and had sex then you should feel free to say anything you want. What you want to say, I suspect, is that you would like an exclusive boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship. If I am being honest, I admire his honesty that he admits to messaging others, but I also think he is trying to tell you that he is not looking for that with you. You should tell him how you feel if it makes you unhappy. Look after yourself as he maybe sexually active with others. Plenty of men will be happy to be having sex and a relationship with one woman, and they don't need to shop about. It is not an arrangement I would settle for, but I guess I am traditional and have expectations that if a man is dating me then he is not dating anyone else. If I discovered he was, he would be shown the exit.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/11/2022 22:42

Honesty would mean him telling you before you had to ask.

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/11/2022 22:49

I feel like once you've slept together and it continues that's kinda the point where you need to start taking it seriously.

User0ne · 28/11/2022 22:51

He doesn't sound very gentlemanly to me.

You're having sex and he's open about messaging other women- what else might he be doing? You don't know him well enough to judge whether he's lying either. Not something I'd be ok with.

It's up to you to set your standards though.

GreenManalishi · 28/11/2022 22:57

If you're not comfortable with having sex with a man who is at that same time looking to have sex with other people ( because let's face it, the messages he's sending aren't to share recipes) then recognise that and be honest. It's not for you.

*bring it up again and try to be clearer about where I'm at
*
to e able to be clear about where you're at need to know yourself. Be less concerned about following etiquette and focus more on what feels right to you.

SallyWD · 28/11/2022 22:59

I don't know if I'm old fashioned but if I was dating a man and sleeping with him I wouldn't be pursuing other men - and I'd hope he wasn't messaging other women.

Jellybean23 · 28/11/2022 23:00

He could be having sex with other women too. I'd expect exclusivity if I was having sex with him.

totallyoutnumbered · 28/11/2022 23:00

Sod etiquette. My DP and I were messaging for a couple of weeks before we met. He came off all dating apps and any other people he had been talking with as soon as we met. I did the same. No need to even discuss exclusivity. He's been honest but I wouldn't like it one bit. I also wouldn't want to have to ask someone to do what feels right when you've met someone you really connect with. Maybe that's just me

RandomMusings7 · 28/11/2022 23:03

Stop having sex with him until he agrees to be exclusive. What will set you apart from the other women he's messaging is holding him to a high standard.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/11/2022 23:07

I certainly hope you're using condoms, because I would bet he is having sex with other women.

SultanOfSwing · 28/11/2022 23:14

For me, once there’s sex it’s exclusive or it’s over.

Apollonia1 · 28/11/2022 23:45

I wouldn't sleep with someone until it was exclusive.
While he's messaging other people, it just would be casual dating, with no sex.

MintJulia · 28/11/2022 23:53

RainbowUnicornPoo · 28/11/2022 22:35

Honestly... i think after 2 or 3 dates, you should really stop messaging other people. It is keeping options open. After a month I'd think he wasn't that keen and was holding out for something else.

This. To hell with etiquette.

minticecreamisjustok · 28/11/2022 23:54

I wouldn't be inviting him over for sex before being exclusive, you are basically saying you fine with him messaging and sleeping with others so he has no reason to stop. However if he was a decent man and into you, he wouldn't want to and would make it clear you are the only one. Don't wait around for him to pick you, you set your own standards and if he fails, bin them.

UsingChangeofName · 29/11/2022 00:11

Apollonia1 · 28/11/2022 23:45

I wouldn't sleep with someone until it was exclusive.
While he's messaging other people, it just would be casual dating, with no sex.

This.
I'll probably be seen as old fashioned, but I see sex as part of a relationship, not something as casual as many seem to.
Now, it's up to you where your line is, but you should do what is right for you, not worrying about what others might do.

Opentooffers · 29/11/2022 00:15

I wouldn't class what he's doing gentlemanly behaviour. If you mean he treats you, opens doors and sucks up lots, he's probably lovebombing but got one foot out the door whilst doing it.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/11/2022 00:20

So he's up for meeting other women for dates and sex? Hope you're using condoms...

Ponderingwindow · 29/11/2022 00:49

There is no etiquette. There is simply wherever you want to set your own personal boundaries.

I personally don’t sleep with people unless we are in an exclusive relationship. Sex isn’t casual for me.

you can make whatever rule for yourself and your relationships that you want. State your expectations and needs clearly and in advance of anything you personally consider significant.

Tonka2 · 29/11/2022 01:10

How on earth did he think you wouldn't be upset or at least ticked off that he's messaging other women?? That's basically saying he's looking for something better. Opentoofers summed it up nicely. He's lovebombing you. Major red flag.

MysteryBelle · 29/11/2022 01:29

A gentleman doesn’t have an ongoing sexual relationship with one woman while messaging other women. I think you’re trying to reconcile the feeling that you should accept a situation of sex without commitment with the feeling that a man who does this is not really serious relationship material.

I’d go with the second feeling. It seems to me he is using you for sex and something to do while keeping all options open with any and all women.

That is not a gentleman. Don’t accept anything less than a man who puts you first. I dated a guy once who was successful and locally well known in his career. We had nothing in common but he was very handsome and I let that cloud my judgement. He lived, ate, and breathed his career. I always took a book with me to watch him in his, let’s call it sport. It was so boring. He was very sweet but his #1 was not me and never would be. Do not give your life to someone who doesn’t put you first.

GreyCarpet · 29/11/2022 07:37

Presably, you started seeing him because you want a relationship?

Imagine how that relationship is going to look 5 years down the line when the memory of the early few months is tainted by the fact he was still looking for sex with other women.

Because a pp is right, that's what he's doing. You're becoming closer to him and spending time with him; having sex with him and trawling dating apps looking for someone who catches his eye, checking his phone to see if Sarah's messaged him back yet, discussing going for a drink with Sam and wondering where that wil lead, looking forward to Jo's nightly boob photo...

It's not really the basis of a beautiful relationship is it?

WimpoleHat · 29/11/2022 07:42

If you're not comfortable with having sex with a man who is at that same time looking to have sex with other people ( because let's face it, the messages he's sending aren't to share recipes) then recognise that and be honest. It's not for you.

Totally agree with this. And I’d tell him that - and then you’ll know exactly where you stand with him.

Doingmybest12 · 29/11/2022 07:54

For me if I was looking for a relationship I would want someone who wanted that too. So someone who was putting effort in for me not someone casting a net around for others at the same time. So I would end it here. But others feel differently, and want to have a bit of fun with no expectation of exclusivity on either side, so it depends on what you want from this.