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Original poster

What is the etiquette here ?

45 replies

army2426 · 28/11/2022 22:32

Ok, so been dating someone for the last month. Proper gentlemen, we have a lot in common and get on well! Good sex etc. anyway, he came over the other day.. I asked him if was messaging anyone else as I wasn't. He said he was messaging other people. Which, at this stage I think is fine. We're both single! I personally couldn't and wouldn't want to ( but maybe I should be )

I'm not sure feelings are there yet. I know I just like his company etc and we've both agreed we don't want to rush into anything as both come out of marriages that weren't entirely healthy and have kids etc..

However, the more I think about it, I don't know how to feel about it. Firstly, I'm thinking it feels a bit like he's keeping his options open ( which could be fine ha ) but then I'm worried I will catch feelings down the line and he's still messaging others and wanting to continue that.

He's been honest with me which is great, I just dunno whether to bring it up again and try to be clearer about where I'm at with it or just leave it?

I really don't know what it normal nowadays and what the etiquette is tbh.

Help!

OP posts:

category12 · 29/11/2022 08:10

You're not on the same page.

You're more invested, you're not still looking around, he is.

Restart dating others or quit him.

You're setting the bar really low for the beginning of a relationship if you accept him messaging and dating others, while you're just focused on him. It'll bite you in the arse hard later on if the relationship does progress. Settle for little now and you'll be stuck with it.

DrMorbius · 29/11/2022 08:11

I'm not sure feelings are there yet. I know I just like his company etc

By your own admission you are unsure if your relationship has legs, I guess he is the same. Just because you are having sex, that doesn't have to change anything. You stop looking around when you are sure the relationship has potential longevity.

Crazykefir · 29/11/2022 08:16

It's casual for him.can you this handle emotionally??

WhatIsThisPlease · 29/11/2022 08:19

Why are you having sex with someone who is openly messaging (and probably sleeping with) other women?

I'm not sure we have the same definition of gentlemanly!!

Aprilx · 29/11/2022 08:20

I have no idea what the etiquette is as I haven’t dated anyone for twenty years. All I know is that I personally would not find this acceptable.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/11/2022 08:21

I don't think you're on the same page.

Yes, he is honest about talking to other women (yes, he probably sleeping with them too) and is happy playing the field. But if you want a more dedicated, personal relationship with him, then I think you're going to be disappointed.

He's basically having his cake and eating it too. The fact he has not already given it up, tells you all you need to know. Sorry.

You are a lot more emotionally invested than he is. And that's fine. But you may be expecting something more than he can offer.

RandomMusings7 · 29/11/2022 08:21

Settle for little now and you'll be stuck with it.

truer words have never been spoken

BecauseICan22 · 29/11/2022 08:21

You're having sex. Definitely time to have that conversation.
It's important to remember that if you're 'feeling' a bit unsettled, it's likely because you're not entirely at ease with what's happening.

BecauseICan22 · 29/11/2022 08:22

Oh and he's not a gentleman.

KillingLoneliness · 29/11/2022 08:53

I’ve never understood why some people message or see other people whilst already seeing someone else, it’s very grim to me and proves that they aren’t the type of person I’d want to be with.
I’ve always assumed as soon as you are seeing someone you should be automatically exclusive unless both parties have agreed to have an open relationship.
If you aren’t comfortable with this set up then it’s better to move on and find someone who is willing to put the same effort in as you, you both need to be on the same page for it to be successful.

heartbroken40 · 29/11/2022 08:57

When I met my current DP, we both came off the apps straight away. He was even keener than me and told me "I know it's early days but I really would like us to focus on each other and see if this can lead to a relationship". I came off the apps and the rest is history.

He's not into you, I would honestly end it now. And definitely he is not a gentleman

Bookworm20 · 29/11/2022 10:52

I'm not sure feelings are there yet. I know I just like his company etc

Thats why people date and get to know each other. I'm sure no one falls in love after the first 30 minutes!

However, how is he ever going to know if hes still messaging other women? Thats hardly being a gentleman, I'd call that being a player.
He is keeping his options well and truly open while getting a regular shag from you (and probably others).

For me, as soon as you arrange a 2nd/3rd date, you don't then carry on seeing what else is out there. You make a decision to see where it leads with this person you are interested in enough to keep dating. You can decide its not working and finish it at any point after that, and THEN you can message someone else.
Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but no way would I be sleeping with someone who was messaging other women. That just screams disrespectful arsehole, not gentleman!

Discoh · 29/11/2022 10:56

The woman he ends up falling for won't be one of the cool girls, letting him sniff around other women. It'll be the woman who knows her worth and demands exclusivity.

Sunshineandflipflops · 29/11/2022 10:58

At least he's been honest. I was seeing someone for a few months a few years ago - we saw each other every time I didn't have my dc, he'd marked the dates on his calendar, etc. It felt, to be like blooming relationship and I definitely didn't have the time or inclination to be messaging anyone else.

Anyway, something he said one day made me question him and he said he was still messaging other women - was quite honest about it and I think assumed I was too.

I saw it as partly my fault for not clarifying our situation with him but I was quite new to dating and didn't realise I needed to.

I have been with my current partner over 3 years and we had the conversation after our first date that we were deleting the apps to see how things went.

I wouldn't want to be dating someone who was also dating others. I want to be a priority and not another option to someone. I was cheated on in my marriage so I now realise that this is important to me.

if things don't work out, it's easy enough to get back on the apps.

Catapultaway · 29/11/2022 11:06

I don't think he's done anything wrong, provided he has been fully honest about it.
But that doesn't mean you have to be comfortable with it. If you want to be exclusive then you ask him, if it's not something he wants at this stage then go your separate ways. Doesn't make you wrong or him right, different people can want different things that are both perfectly fine.

eggsandbaconeveryday · 01/12/2022 15:21

Stop having sex with him until he has more respect for you. If he is messaging other women then he is keeping his options open. I really don't understand why anyone would think that that is ok - its not !

Greatbiggoldfish · 01/12/2022 15:30

He isn’t a gentleman . If you are seeing someone regularly and sleeping with them then they shouldn’t be messaging other people . He is actively keeping his options open while you both figure out whether your relationship is going anywhere .. you are treating him with more respect . If he liked you it resllly wouldn’t take much to stop messaging others for a while

AreWeThereYet69 · 01/12/2022 15:44

I wouldn't be comfortable with that AT ALL. I met my DP online and on our second date both said we were only seeing each other and weren't messaging anyone else. I wouldn't have the headspace.
And certainly after sleeping with each other it'd be a total no no.
He's keeping his options open which would be a big turn off.
Also I wouldn't be impressed that you had to ask before he let you know

Mom2K · 01/12/2022 15:48

I think it's disgusting to still be messaging other people after you've had sex with someone. I'd think any decent person would be focused on either pursing something with you or moving on at that point of things. Whatever the 'etiquette' is or not, this would have me instantly questioning that person's morals and intent. It isn't how I'd behave and someone who thought that was fine, I wouldn't be ok with. That being said, because this is how I feel I'd make sure that we were exclusive before sex. It would be a necessary conversation and if that person wasn't on board, I'd dump them.

Still messaging other people is keeping options open and comes off as a fwb situation rather than someone who is looking to find someone to have a relationship with. It isn't normal (or maybe healthy is the correct word here since 'normal' doesn't mean what is used to with some relationships today) to keep looking when you've found someone you like and want to explore a relationship with.

samyeagar · 01/12/2022 15:49

Well, the current dating trends and etiquette is to pretty much assume that a person is multi-dating unless exclusivity has been explicitly discussed and agreed to.

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