Friends shutting you down when you mention your breakup/divorce.

[rosabug]

I am now 60. My 25 year relationship broke up very traumatically 5.5 years ago. It took me a long time to recover. Not sure I ever will fully tbh - I'm just growing around the trauma.

Anyway, over the years I have noticed peculiar responses to this from friends and acquaintances. From a kind of subtle distaste, caused no doubt by fear and awkwardness, to shutting me down before I finish a sentence.

This happened to me today, which is why I'm asking if anyone knows what I mean. I was round my good friends (a couple) and we were having a bit of a melancholy conversation about things and I just said that I wish I had split from my ex much earlier and my friend just said "lets not go there". This is not the first time I felt I have been shut down in this way. It's tough because it's still a big part of me and sometimes I just want to be free to say things about it, generally I do try and not talk about it too much. I'm sure my friend thought she was trying to head me off from pain, but I also actually feel it's more about an unspoken hierarchy of trauma. Death, illness etc will always be respected as primary trauma - of course, but messy emotional breakups are somehow distasteful or shameful and should (after a sensible amount of time) be buried.

Does anyone know what I mean?

Yes! Not a divorce, but I went no contact with my family after being attacked by one of them. I worked with them and lost my job, they all stopped speaking to me. It's been horrendous.
That was three years ago and it still hurts every day. My "best" friend started cutting me off, or rolling her eyes whenever I mentioned how I felt. Saying can we change the subject. She has been "too busy" to see me for over a year now.
Funny thing is I stopped bringing it up, but she would ask and then look annoyed when I talked about it.
I completely sympathise and I hope you are feeling free now x

When your divorce happened, did you talk at her about it for months on end? Not saying you shouldn't – people need to sound off. But it can be exhausting to be on the receiving end of long, emotional monologues that express problems or longings that can't be resolved. If she had her fill of yours long ago, she may just be protecting herself. There's no point in having long discussions of what might have been, as they can't go anywhere. I do think if that compulsive need to talk it over in detail still exists after 5 years, then you deserve to have the attention of a professional counsellor or therapist. Have you had that?

I really sympathise and am so sorry for the suffering you've been caused by your divorce. However, my guess is your friends have had enough not only of hearing about it, but seeing you still suffer. I have a friend whose ex left without notice after 26 years of (what she thought was happy) marriage. She was broken for a long long time and we were all there to support her but honestly, 7 years on and I don't want to hear about it - and the sad thing is I bristle at the finest mention like your friends because Every time I see her she'll mention either him, how sad/broken she is and the impact the divorce has had on her and her dc (who are fine btw) We have a mutual friend who lost a child a few years ago and the way divorced friend talks, you would think she has been through a similar trauma and it's uncomfortable to hear.

You need to move on - whether through counselling or falling in love again I don't know but this isn't healthy for you and your friends have probably just had enough.

I don't talk about it constantly and the friends mentioned are not the key friends who I leaned on directly after. I think the words "move on" after the breakup of a long relationship are usually made by people who haven't lost a 25 - 30 year relationship late in life. You don't "move on". You sort of grow around the loss/confusion/pain and actually this process does have something in common with any serious loss, like that of a child. This also happened to me by someone (my neighbour) whom I had never spoken to about it! I also have never said that I am broken by it - to anyone. I have a good job and have had boyfriends since. Your friend sounds trying perhaps, but that is not me.

@lechatnoir the above comment was in reply to yours.

I think there is only so much that you can expect from friends in terms of emotional support before you start trashing your friendship. Also some friends just don't have the skills to provide emotional support.

I'd recommend getting some counselling so that you can find some really good quality professional emotional support for your traumatic experiences, and then you can focus on enjoying your friendships.

I think maybe get some therapy to deal with your post divorce issues and have good fun times with your friends.

Was this couple mutual friends of you and your ex? It sounds like they don't want to get involved in any conversation about the divorce.

I'm sure it's hard but perhaps you could talk to a therapist rather than your friends? I presume they have already sympathised with you over the 5 years since it happened? I sympathise too - it's very hard after 25 years to have a surprise divorce but what are you doing about it? Is this still the focus of your life and thoughts? You are only 60.

I'd suggest it indicates your friend(s) are emotionally burned out discussing it any longer. 5.5yrs is a long time to have the same conversation with the same person, especially when that person is going to get sad / depressive /upset by the subject matter.

It's definitely time to speak to a professional on a regular basis rather than expect friends to keep going over the same subject year after year.

They aren't trained professionals and they haven't got ways to cope with your feelings which you're asking them to talk through with you. That's a HUGE ask. And very hard to live with.

Your friend is setting boundaries and wants to move the conversation forward, but keep going over the past. That's what counsellors are for.

I've found the same OP, but in contrast I also understand the recipients aggravation and myself hate it when my sister or alike is droning on about her POS ex. I feel this is why most Americans have therapists so you can separate the traumatic stuff with the social sort of conversation that seemingly, sits better with friends/acquaintances. It can be very draining to hear people's woes, especially if you have your own to deal with.

this process does have something in common with any serious loss, like that of a child.

I think you should really get some professional therapy if after 5.5 years, you still feel today like your divorce is comparable to the loss of a child. Your friends have run out of things to say. Professional counsellors can help you unpick them trauma, as well as listen.

I think some people lack confidence (and, frankly, competence) when dealing with real, raw, complex emotional pain in people they know and love. Which doesn't help the person on the receiving end of (what feels like) the snub.

Absolutely agree with this, yes divorce is awful but to compare that to losing a child is completely disproportionate and l would imagine highly hurtful to someone who's had that loss and l would struggle to find sympathy if you said that to me.

@DrMarciaFieldstone @MichelleScarn I said it's comparable on some level, in that often it's often not something you just 'get over' one day. Of course it's no where near the same. And yes I've had loads of good therapy. What I wanted was to open up a conversation about the variation in responses. I find it odd that there seems to be shame and fear there for some people. I've always been a very open person and would never veto a painful conversation - though I have had friends who go round and round in circles about less than my woes - but that really isn't me. I do have 2 friends who have gone through something similar and they know exactly what I mean. I think it's a cultural block in some ways, in that it's filed under "break-up" and therefore is perceived as having a "get over it" point, or it's messy and a tad shameful in a British response way (I'd say there was something of that in the example I gave in my post).

I think people just don’t want to hear the same thing after 5.5 years though. Especially after the last few years; everyone has had their own battles to get though, and for some it’s been hard enough keeping their own heads above water. Sometimes there’s nothing to be added by continually ruminating over things. Especially if you’ve had successful therapy, as you say.

@FuckabethFuckor - yes I agree. it's also a thing people think they know about because they may have been dumped at 25 once. About 2 years after my breakup I bumped into an old acquaintance. She asked me how I was and in typically (stupidly!) fashion, I was honest and said I was having a bad day about the split and she exclaimed - "aren't you over that yet!". I said - politely, that I didn't think 2 years was a lot for a 25 relationship (with children) to be sad. She shamefacedly agreed. Should of just said I was fine!

I think this is spot on. I have a friend like this. Every single time I see her she drags the conversation back to her divorce and her ex. Absolutely no interest in anyone else or what they have been going through. It's draining.

I think it might be this. I had a friend who separated from her DH after many years and 3 kids.

For the first year I was in contact with her all the time, always visiting, being a shoulder to cry on.

After 3 years or so I hate to say it but I was so sick of so many conversations revolving around her divorce. It came up every time we met. She was still consumed by it for years, and I just lost my patience. I loved her, but it was as if my friend as I knew her had faded, and her identity revolved around her divorce.

Most people have trauma in their lives. Losing relationships, bereavements, family problems, financial problems. Etc etc etc. I think it's absolutely reasonable to want and need support from friends, but it can get wearing after a long period. Compassion fatigue definitely exists.

It sounds like you may need some more therapy? An outlet for you to continue talking about it?

Maybe stop talking about this with friends as it gets shut down so much - save it for friends who already share similar stuff with you or your therapist.

There's no point in trying to make people discuss stuff with you that they don't want to discuss.

I wouldn't expect a casual friend or acquaintance to be talking about their painful divorce from years back and I don't think many people would. It's not so much expecting you to have moved on, more to maybe consider how appropriate the subject matter is in specific contexts and with specific individuals.

@DrMarciaFieldstone "continually ruminating". "everyone has had their own battles" I hope you're not a real doctor. The friends in question spent lock-down together in their roomy house. I spent it alone and also nursed my dad during lockdown with brain cancer which killed him in 2020. I said one short sentence to my friend today. I forgive them because I love them. But I'm frankly weirded out by some peoples fear of this messy human stuff.

Where's the shame or fear amongst your friends though? They've done their best for over 5 years. Now they are sick of the subject. I'm not sure you can hold that against them.

If you still need to offload, it's time to seek new therapy. You can't keep expecting people to talk about it whenever you see them. Anyone would be sick of any relationship subject by now.

And no, it's nothing like losing a child. Grief is grief, yes, but this isn't the bereavement of a parent losing a child. It's an adult relationship coming to and end. They haven't died, you don't have to arrange a funeral.

You do have to find a way to move on a bit after five years though, it's a long time to still be circling the subject - it doesn't seem like therapy has been much help so far?

Op I wonder if you’re not aware of how much you talk about the breakup. I understand, I was dumped after 20 years, and even 4 years later I sometimes get angry about it. But I try rarely to talk about it. You said that you mentioned it to an old acquaintance and to me if an acquaintance asks how I am the stock answer is ‘fine’ or ‘good’ or a comment about the weather. I wouldn’t mention my ex unless they then asked about him / dc / my life.

People can’t be bothered - get frustrated with unsolvable problems.

Some won’t have the capacity to listen in the first place, some have limited capacity to listening to negative stuff, some are going through stuff on their own and looking for light relief from friends, some have had their fill.

It’s hard when difficult life circumstances make us stuck. I’d stick with therapy if that’s the feedback you’re getting, whether justified or not. Also, get stuck into life- that seems to be the real antidote to being let down by people.

When you said you were having a bad day about the split, what were the thoughts you were having? If you don’t mind me asking