Friends shutting you down when you mention your breakup/divorce.

[rosabug]

I am now 60. My 25 year relationship broke up very traumatically 5.5 years ago. It took me a long time to recover. Not sure I ever will fully tbh - I'm just growing around the trauma.

Anyway, over the years I have noticed peculiar responses to this from friends and acquaintances. From a kind of subtle distaste, caused no doubt by fear and awkwardness, to shutting me down before I finish a sentence.

This happened to me today, which is why I'm asking if anyone knows what I mean. I was round my good friends (a couple) and we were having a bit of a melancholy conversation about things and I just said that I wish I had split from my ex much earlier and my friend just said "lets not go there". This is not the first time I felt I have been shut down in this way. It's tough because it's still a big part of me and sometimes I just want to be free to say things about it, generally I do try and not talk about it too much. I'm sure my friend thought she was trying to head me off from pain, but I also actually feel it's more about an unspoken hierarchy of trauma. Death, illness etc will always be respected as primary trauma - of course, but messy emotional breakups are somehow distasteful or shameful and should (after a sensible amount of time) be buried.

Does anyone know what I mean?

@RoyKeanesBeard I think it's my fault for not making myself clear. I do not go on and on about my loss or trauma. That's the point of my post really. That I feel some people respond in fear (or something), out of proportion to what I'm expecting in response. I can't remember the last time I spoke to this friend at length about this. I don't get the need to kill it and shovel it under the carpet. I do think it's also a bit 'British' sometimes, the "shut it down' before it goes 'too far' thing.

@DeliberatelyObtuse Thx - but this is not what I do. "drags the conversation back to her divorce and her ex".

Ok, I'm going to be brutally honest. As the friend in this situation, it wasn't fear or distaste, it was boredom and impatience.

I was bored of hearing the same thing for over 2 years.

I loved and cared for my friend, but I was so done with the subject of her ex. I'd spent days/weeks/months supporting her, and I was sick of hearing about it.

I don't think it's British fear, shame, avoidance of difficult situations. I was just fed up with hearing about it.

I've had some difficult things happen to me in the last couple of years, death, physical and mental health issues, lots of stress. I don't like to continually use my friends as a sounding board to process it. I'm having therapy for it. I'm bored myself of my own trauma, I'm sick of talking about it myself. Sometimes in friendships it's nice to keep things lighter. Everyone needs to process trauma, but not all friendships are the right place to do so.

You don't get that need but she does. Respect she does not want to hear about your divorce after a this time. Respect that perhaps you have mentioned it a lot in the past or at least too much for her.

It's your divorce and your issue not hers and especially not after all this time. Further maybe she is having her own rough patch and doesn't want to think she may end up in the same place.

As someone who has lost a child and been divorced they are on no level whatsoever comparable by the way.

Fucking hell, definitely not comparable to child loss. I've had MCs and even they are not comparable to the black hole I would feel if I lost my child. I have nothing but sympathy for people who have been through that.

OP you say you try not to talk about it too much, but my thoughts are "try" means you often fail. Even if it's just "oh ex Dh would have loved this steak", I could imagine it feeling like a fun sponge to the evening and difficult to avoid the awkwardness so friends try to brush it off lightly but keep the upbeat atmosphere.

All due respect to you @rosabug, you have mentioned that you've had therapy for this but have you had grief counselling? The only reason I ask is that it sounds to me like you are still grieving for the life you still think you may have had with your ex-husband and you're using the terms "trauma" and that you are growing around the trauma.

I'm in no way trying to diminish the break up of your marriage but I do think that you weren't actually being asked how you really felt that day when you were asked, because it's a common enough question "Hi there....how are you?" and the usual response is "Fine thank you" or maybe "Ah, not great but there you go" or something along those lines. Most people don't want to know that you've got a bit of a dicky tummy or you've got a head cold or the difficult bits of life including if your marriage has ended as a response to that sort of question. They just don't. They are being polite and the conversation usually ends after a few minutes of niceties.

I do wish you joy and hope that you can put the separation behind you.

@rosabug you are adamant you rarely talk about it but the emotive language you are using and some of your earlier posts suggests this probably isn't the case. Don't be defensive, take on board what people are saying and acknowledge that this probably is something you've spoken about at length over the years and your friends have had enough.

Thanks everybody for responding. But I will be checking out of this thread now and no longer responding or reading.

A break up really is something you should aspire to get over - however long the relationship was (and no, I wasn't just dumped once at 25- My marriage ended by him cheating, after 21 years together and a child.)

It is in no way comparable to the death of a child, and the fact that you think so is worrying. And no, not even in that you 'grow around your grief' rather than get over it. That is true for the loss of a child, because there is no microscopic part of that that can be viewed as good. Nor did you have any role or responsibility in what happened to you. And the gap can never be filled, even if a future child comes along.

In the case of a long marriage breakup, there are tons of potential upsides.... in being free/ chance to reinvent yourself/ date new people/ have a bunch of new experiences, if you are open to these. It's not a situation that is black and white bleak ... ultimately, if the marriage broke up then by definition it wasn't great in some way. Even if you thought it was great, and he left, you were clearly in some form of denial and/or with a man who was not who you thought they were. And you had a role in making it not great in one way or another, so owning that often helps you get over it. And yes, you can fill the gap of a partner who left you- with a new partner, with different or even better qualities, who you can have a better relationship with.

So, sure - a break up is absolutely grounds for lots of difficult feelings, as you get over it, but it sounds to me like you've become frozen somewhere in the process. I would guess you are either denying your own responsibility in what happened (thus permanently stuck as the victim of circumstance), or you are still idealising your marriage (telling yourself it was such an awful thing to lose it, even though you broke up), or for some reason, you are refusing to allow yourself to be happy?

You seem very keen to put this on other people - their shame or discomfort, or their not understanding. I would encourage you to look to yourself and see if you can change your belief that your relationship was so important that you simply can't get over it..... you're much more likely to end up happy if you do.

Assuming you had your kids with him, then even after 25 years you are likely to have more than that still ahead of you... do you really want to spend it with this loss permanently weighing you down?

My sister is currently going through a breakup and I have to be honest, it's only been 4 months and I'm exhausted from being her sounding board.
Every conversation goes back to the break up.
I really want to support her but I have health issues I'm really concerned about but I never get a chance to express anything to her.
I don't think I can mentally cope with listening to same anguish over and over and over for months/years on end.

People are really trying to be helpful, and I think it would help you to stay open if you can....

@rosabug when you’re good and ready you’ll realise that what everyone has said to you on this thread is the truth, even if you’re not ready to hear it at the present moment. And that your friends have been trying to do the same.

Don’t lose your friends, we’re just strangers on the internet (most of us have a good heart, we mean no harm, we’re here to support you). Your friends…that’s another story, treasure them and listen to them. Put yourself in their shoes.

You're doing exactly what you accuse your friends of doing and shutting down conversation because it's not what you want to hear. Although this discussion could actually help you and change your mindset. When you keep bringing up your ex husband in conversation socially, you're not helping anyone, least of all yourself.

I think just don't talk about this kind of stuff with people if you're not completely sure they welcome that level of conversation. Sometimes people just don't want to get into deep conversation. At one stage in my life I realised I had become a very negative person to be around, always managing to bring the conversation around to my issues (which were serious and traumatising, but inappropriate to be constantly raising). I realised it was alienating and people just don't always want to have those kinds of depressing conversations. And I realised I don't want to have them, either! I was stuck in a loop for a while but getting out of it has been great.

People can tell when you're coming to a conversation with stuff you're over and done with, or stuff that's still alive for you and which is going to be draining to hear about. It's hard to see when you're deep in the mire of depression and trauma, but it's really better to try and be positive and bring positivity to your friendships and conversations. Obviously there are times we all need to lean on our friends and show sadness. But we need to be judicious about how much, how often, and with whom we share this vulnerability.

You sort of grow around the loss/confusion/pain and actually this process does have something in common with any serious loss, like that of a child

This is where you lost any sympathy from me, @rosabug. I'm gobsmacked that you can mention the two things in the same sentence.

I know you said you are no longer reading, but in case you change your mind, I did lose a 20+ year relationship later in life, and I have moved on. My friends would think I was batshit if I were still harping on about it now.

Exactly this.

Hi OP,

On the off-chance you are still reading, you said you'd had 'lots of good therapy' I suggest that you you may need more to deal with this as you still sound very wounded and raw.

You keep insisting that you haven't talked about it too much etc then why do you think you are getting such reactions as being shut down? As it seems this happens quite a few times. You may not be aware of how you are coming across to others. You compared the break up of your marriage to the death of a child on a parenting forum hence why I am not sure that you are seeing what is going on around you with your friends and how you come across with clear eyes.

It's not a fear of messy human stuff. It's boredom and frustration. There won't be anything new to say after 5 and a half years - It's just rehashing the same old shit and most people want to have fun when they meet up with your friends. There's only so much people can take.

And as for comparing divorce to losing a child... words fail me frankly.

With kindness op, I really hope that you come back and that you give some thought to what people are saying, for your own sake.

I think it's unusual to still be ruminating on a break up 5.5 years after it happened, and to the extent that when you bumped in to an old acquaintance you mentioned it. That makes me think you may find more therapy helpful, as this seems more raw to you than you'd normally expect. In that 5.5 years a lot will have happened to your friends (you might not know all of it). The couple with the big house - that doesn't make them immune to relationship troubles, health worries, family problems, work stresses. While you still think of your break up as a 'live' issue, you aren't living in the present, and you may not notice that your friends also need you.

If you find this 'shutting down' is happening often, then it points to the fact that you are talking about it often, and that will be very wearing to people after 5 years. They are also likely to be concerned that you are still talking about it, and try to distract you for your own sake.

I genuinely hope that you seek out some more counselling so you can move forward.

Honestly, I really wouldn't expect someone to still be fixated on their divorce 5.5 years after it happened. I would be shutting down the conversation probably after the first year or so, and trying to steer the person to seek therapy for their issues. I'm at an age where quite a few of my peers have divorced after long 20 years plus marriages with grown up children, and I honestly can't think of any one of them who has talked about it beyond about six months apart from some talk about the practicalities of living/financial arrangements/shared parenting. None of them are long term grieving/traumatised by the end of their marriage - they've all moved on and are generally much happier for it - men and women.

If you really are still struggling after all this time, I do think you need to look into therapy to help you move on.

"You sort of grow around the loss/confusion/pain and actually this process does have something in common with any serious loss, like that of a child"

Wtf? No wonder your friends are shutting you down! No it's nothing like that, nothing. You need to get over it

Yup.
I think you talk about your ex and the divorce more often than you realise.
I don’t think the avoidance is anything to do with shame or distaste either, I think it’s just a tedious subject that your pals are fed up with.

I also agree that the emotive and verbose manner you describe the break up with, betrays your insistence that you don’t go on about it. I’d bet my last tenner that you do. It’s as fresh in your mind as it was five years ago, that much is clear.

I’ve got a pal who still refers to her ex husband as being the root of all evil in her life, even though they broke up 20 years ago. She’s fixated on it and as much as it really isn’t healthy, it’s even less interesting to listen to.

Yes, none of my friends want to hear anything about the trauma of my marriage break down or divorce, apart from the ones who have gone through something similar. I soon learned never to bring it up on Girls’ Nights Out, it’s a downer I guess.

I think op is theorizing, about the comparison of grief.

Her age is something to do with it, to be discarded at a younger age is altogether easier for trying to start a new life, so her life has changed, sometimes that change does not improve by new friendsips and time, it becomes easier by accepting the loss.

I would say though op, choose your audience carefully, there are many that do not understand, although this grief may well be with you for life, others do want to see the person you used to be, the fun, conversing person you were before this marriage damaged you.

Was this your only relationship or was there a long relationship before this 21 year one ?

I think you may have PTSD, as many do from a particularly hurtful discard but sometimes making a pact with yourself to not speak of him and the marriage unless it's to a professional will help you overcome the anger you have towards others for supposedly minimising your pain.

You expect them to understand and they expect you to understand.

And yes long partnersips are devastating and can be life altering that is why there are so many suicides after breakups and divorces.

These suicide rates can also affect the children as well.