When he won't marry or have kids with you, but he does with the next woman

[Whydoicare88]

As the title says, both myself and a close friend have experienced this recently.

In my case, ex was so sure he didn't want kids that he had a vasectomy at the age of 30. I was 27 at the time and unsure how I felt about having children. We eventually split a couple of years later but he was emotionally stunted (the most tactful way I can put it) and he totally blindsided me with the breakup which was so traumatic at the time. We lived together, were making plans to get married, etc, and he just left one day completely out of the blue. Like he set off a bomb in my life.

Several years later, I'm engaged to an amazing man, and the relationship is infinitely better than the one I had with my ex. However I've just found out his new partner is six months pregnant and it has really thrown me.

I'm 100% over my ex, though I will probably always carry some residual trauma over the way he treated me in the breakup. It has sadly made it much more difficult for me to trust people. I'm so glad we're not together and that I'm with a kind, loving man. I haven't yet felt any great desire for children and will possibly remain childfree, though I still have time to make that decision.

So why does this get to me so much? I don't want him, or his life, but it hurts that he's doing something with another woman that he was adamant he wouldn't do with me.

My friend has also gone through this, she ended a six year relationship because her partner told her he didn't want children. Not long after, he's expecting a baby with his new girlfriend.

Anyone been through this? It's just such a headfuck, and I honestly hate that I'm giving this any thought at all.

@Whydoicare88 I have seen this happen with people I know / know of and I would say some of them are not planned and the new girlfriend “accidentally” gets pregnant. Someone at work let slip on a night out she stopped taking the pill after 3 months of seeing her new BF, who was not long out of a ten year relationship with no kids. (Didn’t want them before) I know this won’t be the case for your ex if he had the snip but your ex must have been very sure at the time to have that done. Sometimes it can be a new person makes them realise they actually do want kids. Or sometimes they just don’t want to lose another relationship over it, going through repeated heartbreak over the same issue must be exhausting.

I don’t think this is all that unusual to be honest. I didn’t want children for a long time, right up until the point when i decided I did (late 30s). Sometimes it’s about the individual, but more often than not the timing just isn’t right for various reasons.

Try and focus on the positives. You’ve ended up in a happier relationship.

Try and focus on the positives. You’ve ended up in a happier relationship.

That is true, which is why it annoys me that I'm giving this any headspace at all.

Ex having a vasectomy was a difficult thing to come to terms with at the time, I felt too young to take the possibility of kids completely off the table. But I also didn't feel that I actively wanted them so I stayed in the relationship. To know that he has now had it reversed, after all that, just feels weird.

Maybe part of me is annoyed he gets to have this perfect life when he treated me so badly.

I had with an ex where he didn’t want to live together said he was happy with the way things were it was one of the reasons we broke up as it felt like we weren’t progressing in anyway, within 5 weeks he had moved a woman in 😣 I try not to take it personal 😏😂 but sometimes you just feel differently about different people

I think it’s important to remember that these pregnancies weren’t necessarily planned. The fact that these men were so adamant they didn’t want to be dads, means they may not make a great dad either. So you have probably had a lucky escape. Their current partners may be stuck with them now!

Recommend not giving it any headspace or trying to work out why (often difficult!) Or take a look at Block delete move on - it's not you it's them - by lalalaletmeexplain (she's also on Instagram )

I imagine it is accidental in a lot of cases, but that's extremely unlikely with my ex.

its more common than you think. Know a good few relationship that have broken up for either same or similar reasons. Some had been together for years. Only for the partners to go on get married and have babies quite quickly in the next relationship. As people have said focus on the positives, things have worked out for you and you are far better off. Try not to give it anymore head space though can see why you would be confused by it all

I said the exact same things to my ex. I didn't want to ever have kids ect I now have kids. For me it took a few more years to i dont know grow u mature. Also you do feel differently with people. I feel so much more connected to my now partner than I did with my ex. He did nothing wrong btw.
It's worked out for you too your much happier now. Some people are just not right for each other.

My friend broke up with her ex because he was adamant he did not want a child. They had been living together for over five and 1/2 years and earlier in the relationship he said maybe after more time. After breakup he went out with someone else quickly and after only 3 months she is pregnant with twins. My friend was truly gutted. New gf is 6 months pregnant now and enormous. Not sure how he feels but they are still together, but not living together.

It’s not just men though - I know one woman who definitely didn’t want kids - until she turned 37 and then suddenly she did. She was in a relationship at the time with a man who also didn’t want kids so dumped him and went looking for someone who did want children, had 2 before she turned 40. (I don’t think her other half is all that great, but she really hadn’t given herself long to find someone!)

Then another woman who didn’t want kids in a long term relationship. They broke up late 20s for other reasons and she started dating a lovely bloke and suddenly she did want to be a mother - she said later she think it was more she hadn’t been with a man before she wanted to have kids with.

Oh and I know a man who had 2 dcs young with his wife and was very clear he didn’t want more although she did. He also had a vasectomy. They split up and then he started dating a younger woman who was very clear that she did want dcs of her own so he had a reversal and another baby.

The cynic in me thinks he really didn’t want more dcs but wanted to keep his new partner more than stay a dad of 2.

there may be many cases of men who don’t really want dcs but see it as the “cost” of keeping the woman who wants them.

maybe he did treat you badly but does that then mean he is not allowed to have a happy life?

He might have a been a right shit bag when you were together but he might have matured, changed or grown. He might look back on his behaviour and cringe? I know I look back on early relationships and regret things I did or ways I acted.

Perhaps it was age that brought a change around the children issue, perhaps this new woman is the absolute love of his life and it brought about a change in his perspective of what he wants his life to be.

Perhaps he is still a bit of a dick and there’s been no growth at all but the new partner wanted a baby and so he had a reversal to please her?
There are loads of potential reasons or explanations but really what does it boil down to -

people are fallible, they make mistakes, do shitty things, hurt each other and generally act like dicks sometimes. Most of us have been on the receiving end of it and some of us have been the perpetrator too.

Live and let live, he treated you badly but that doesn’t mean he has to live in misery forevermore.

And you’ve clearly got a great relationship now. Focus on that and put the rest down to human experience

It’s highly unlikely he has a ‘perfect life’ even though it might look that way from the outside. If he treated you badly he’s probably not treating his new partner particularly well either, despite how things appear on social media or whatever.

Thinking about the original post though, I suspect in the majority of cases these men eventually feel ready to have kids, when they didn’t before. Not necessarily anything personal. And it would have been bad to have a child with a partner who didn’t want one.

A lot of men never actually fall in love with anyone. They just progress through life trying to avoid/put off on an incremental basis any type of commitment or sign of maturity / responsibility until they "find themselves" in that situation (as previous poster says, the new woman might have "accidentally fallen pregnant"). Don't worry, they will probably leave their new partner for someone new at some point in the future (2 years 12 years even 22 years time) and then that new partner later down the road will mysteriously suddenly get pregnant. (At that point because they have done it before it wont be this big thing they resist, but they still won't be committed).

This happened to my friend too. She was with her ex for 10 years but he refused to get married or have children. Eventually she ended it, and within 18 months his new partner was pregnant.

I guess at the end of the day he just didn't love you enough? Sorry to be blunt

If the pregnancy was planned, he thought he didn’t want children until he met the woman he wanted them with. It just wasn’t you.

If you are as happy with your current partner as you say, you really do need to let this go. It’s not fair to him.

I suppose I am on the other side of this and I do really feel for my DP's ex.

He was adamant he didn't want kids for the almost 20 years of their relationship. She was desperate for children but they decided not to go ahead. They split up amicably when she was 43, so whilst not impossible to conceive now, less opportunity if/when she meets a new partner.

We've been together just over 2 years and I'm pregnant with our first child. He was the one who brought it up as I thought I was done with DC (have two DC 13 and 11). He doesn't really have a reason why he changed his mind, just that our relationship and dynamic is very different than theirs was and he feels different about it with me.

I knew a man and woman at work. Both in separate relationships of over a decade long, both adamantly childfree to the point of child-hating.

They split with their partners to be together and within the year, she was pregnant. Go figure.

I think you're allowed (men included) to change your mind. I've been in relationships where I didn't want to marry or have children with that person but then have met someone else and feel completely different.

It might be, he just didn't want that with you. But that's his prerogative surely.

sounds like he wasted the best years of that poor woman’s life.

I'm not saying he's not allowed to change his mind, but given his history it has come as a shock. Due to the vasectomy, and his attitude, I was sure he would never have kids.

It just stings a bit that's all. I absolutely don't have feelings for him, I love my fiance very much. It's just a bit hard to wrap my head around and hearing that news has just brought me right back to all the strife around the time of the vasectomy. I'm sure anyone who has actually experienced this would understand why it's not that easy to just immediately brush it off.

I get why it’s hurts, it’s a rejection in a way. It says you weren’t good enough but this person is. I understand that it hurts but also that every relationship feels different and you will be better suited to some people than others. I never thought I wanted to get married but then I met my now DH and I wanted to marry him. I was on the fence about children when we met but a couple of years ago decided I was ready etc.

People change - unless you’re completely intransigent and your ideas are set in stone, a different person on a different day when you’re at a different life stage can alter your perspective on life, including whether or not having kids feels like the right thing to do.

You’re feeling hurt on behalf of past you because you’re wondering why you weren’t ‘good enough’ for him to commit to permanently - instead of thanking your lucky stars that you didn’t actually end up with a man who was willing to be such a prick to you. I’d also be wary of idealising the relationship he has with his current partner and imagining he’s somehow created a fairytale ending for himself because that’s hardly likely to be the case either. Just focus on the fact you’ve well and truly dodged a bullet and ended up in a much better place yourself.

It’s not just men

women too and I was one of them

i was in an abusive relationship (didn’t know it at the time, I was only 19/20 and he was a good decade older than me) we lasted 3 years in that time he wanted a child and I didn’t. I split up with him when I was 22 and 5 years later I met my now husband, within 2 years I was expecting our baby and I know my ex saw it on Facebook as he reacted to the announcement

truthfully, looking back I’m glad I never had a child with him for so many reasons one of them being raped by him (on several occasions) and I know he wouldn’t have made a great dad as the booze came first second and last so no way could I have bought a child into the mess we were in