When he won't marry or have kids with you, but he does with the next woman

[Whydoicare88]

As the title says, both myself and a close friend have experienced this recently.

In my case, ex was so sure he didn't want kids that he had a vasectomy at the age of 30. I was 27 at the time and unsure how I felt about having children. We eventually split a couple of years later but he was emotionally stunted (the most tactful way I can put it) and he totally blindsided me with the breakup which was so traumatic at the time. We lived together, were making plans to get married, etc, and he just left one day completely out of the blue. Like he set off a bomb in my life.

Several years later, I'm engaged to an amazing man, and the relationship is infinitely better than the one I had with my ex. However I've just found out his new partner is six months pregnant and it has really thrown me.

I'm 100% over my ex, though I will probably always carry some residual trauma over the way he treated me in the breakup. It has sadly made it much more difficult for me to trust people. I'm so glad we're not together and that I'm with a kind, loving man. I haven't yet felt any great desire for children and will possibly remain childfree, though I still have time to make that decision.

So why does this get to me so much? I don't want him, or his life, but it hurts that he's doing something with another woman that he was adamant he wouldn't do with me.

My friend has also gone through this, she ended a six year relationship because her partner told her he didn't want children. Not long after, he's expecting a baby with his new girlfriend.

Anyone been through this? It's just such a headfuck, and I honestly hate that I'm giving this any thought at all.

Thank you. It does feel like a rejection, which is silly because he already rejected me years ago when he just left me without any explanation, and I (eventually) got over that hellish time and moved in. I suppose it's just an extra layer on top all this time later.

My fiance is 10 times the man my ex was and he makes me so much happier. I'm more than good enough for him so I have to focus on that, I know.

It’s just life OP, don’t take it personally.

I swore blind I was never having kids or getting married, and even ended a few relationships because they were getting pushy about long term /commitments, they were perfectly nice blokes, and good boyfriends, but I didn’t want any kind of commitment or to be tied down. (I moved around a lot which is why I think they would get real keen on commitment quite fast)

Then I met DH, and it all changed, and it’s not a reflection on my ex’s, it’s nothing to do with my past relationships.

You are your own person and should place your value on how you see yourself, not others.

A lot of it is life stage, I had a few partners in my 20s and early 30s and told all of them I didn't want kids and it was true. When I hit 35 I changed my mind and had 2. It was a case of right time right relationship, right stage in life. Some of my previous BFs are now excellent dads but it wasn't about that when we were together 🤷

I completely agree with the notion that people don’t want to lose the next person for the same reason that they lost the previous person.

Especially in the case of when someone monkey bars from a LTR into another relationship, they will often respond to the trauma of losing the previous relationship by doing the complete opposite in the new relationship. It’s the “this time it’ll be different”/second marriage syndrome (in my view, you don’t have to have been legally married to have essentially have been married by today’s social constructs, where you are living together, planning long-term decisions together, joint account, entwined families etc and so on).

Nothing makes you see where you went wrong like the pain of losing the person that you love(d), which can make people compromise on even really fundamentally held beliefs as a trauma response. This is why healing as much as possible between relationships is so vital to the success of the next one, and to your overall wellbeing.

I imagine that bending so much to the will of the “next person” must eventually catch up and cause big issues, firstly within the traumatised partner, which will eventually seep into the relationship.

People often assume that the instigator of the breakup suffers no trauma about the end of the relationship, but this is simply not true (unless of course they have some kind of personality disorder and/or they were never in love/truly emotionally invested).

As others have said, I think people change their mind when they find the right person. It might also be a stage of life thing for men - if most of their mates have settled down with kids, they realise it's for them after all. My partner had split up with several exes over not wanting children, however with me he has always been super keen (would have had them a while ago and I was the one pushing it out!) and I am now pregnant which he's over the moon about and baby shopping every day. I know quite a number of men who have done as you describe. I bet it's annoying about your ex but just try to focus on your current situation - there's nothing you could have done.

Is he sure it’s even his?

You’re feeling hurt on behalf of past you because you’re wondering why you weren’t ‘good enough’ for him to commit to permanently - instead of thanking your lucky stars that you didn’t actually end up with a man who was willing to be such a prick to you. I’d also be wary of idealising the relationship he has with his current partner and imagining he’s somehow created a fairytale ending for himself because that’s hardly likely to be the case either. Just focus on the fact you’ve well and truly dodged a bullet and ended up in a much better place yourself.

Thanks @EnjoythemoneyJane - I think I need to read this a few times til it's drilled into my head!

That has happened to me. My thinking was that he did want those things, just not with me. It took me YEARS to get over it, mainly because he knew I couldn't have children and always said he was fine with that. And then it all changed and he married my best friend and had a child with her.

Different with your ex having felt so strongly he had a vasectomy. But I suppose he thought that was what he would always feel like until he didn't or until he met someone who completely changed that for him.

We all want to be our partner's all-in-all, sometimes we don't know that we aren't until the bomb falls.

I'd try to let it go. Write it down and burn it. Mentally wish there a nice life. Enjoy your life as it is now. He doesn't deserve your attention.

I’ve heard of this a few times and it’s most likely because they didn’t see a future with you, even if it was subconsciously.

However, I genuinely believe everything happens for a reason and if he had wanted a child and commitment then you would still probably be stuck with him, instead of in your new happy relationship.

There are many threads on here where women wait and wait for a man to agree to have a child or get married and it hardly ever happens, which forces them to eventually separate and it’s the best thing they’ve ever done.

I think your feelings are perfectly valid. If you can, let the thoughts come into your head then let them go. Don't fight it.

You are so much happier now, so acknowledge the feelings are natural but then give yourself permission to let them go.

i mean i never thought id do the kids or marriage thing - was so sure! Then i met the right person and did both those things.

I obviously just didnt want any of those things with any of my exes rather than just not at all ever

It's just life.

I've told previous men I've dated I didn't want to remarry or live with anyone again. Now I've met someone and I feel differently about all of it.

Depending on the way it's been done, reversal of vasectomy ranges from totally impossible (my DH's op) , to "highly unlikely to succeed".

Surely someone hellbent on never having children, would go for the first option (like we did.) .

Bottom line, he very likely lied to you, and only pretended he'd had a vasectomy.

Pat yourself on the back, you had a lucky escape there. I feel very sorry for his new baby and its mother; what a prize they've won.

@Whydoicare88 I was also wondering if your ex actually had a vasectomy…?

Jesus some of the comments.

"He didn't love you"
"It all makes sense with the right person."

OP is obviously feeling raw and some of those comments are unnecessarily mean IMO.

To go from vasectomy to baby with the next partner is a massive about face, it's normal to feel stunned by that. I think it would drag up a lot of strange emotions.

Of course it still stings, you were rejected and that always stings.

Him having a child with someone else reminds you of the sting.

I think @EnjoythemoneyJane is wise in her post.
Be glad you are no longer with him and avoid idealising a relationship with someone like him.

People do change their minds often about children, when they meet someone who changes their mind.

Its painful, but it is true.
He wasn't right for you.
Be glad your life has not been irrevocably ruined by him.

I know of several similar cases where women wanted children, were strung along by awfully selfish men, despite being warned by family and friends, and have ended up childless and alone in their late 40's/ early 50's.

Whilst these men wasted their fertile years and eventually dumped them, they quickly moved onto new partners and had children within a year.

Unbelievably painful for the woman herself and so frustrating for those who had warned her for years thatvshe was being used.

At least he meant he didn't want children by having the vasectomy and at least by dumping you, you were free to move on in time, still with the choice to have a family.

Good luck.

@2bazookas @Greengiant22 I went to the clinic with him so he definitely had the vasectomy. He also had his follow up tests and I came off the pill once they were all clear.

Men know who they want to marry, and who they dont. Women spend a lot of time analysing over this simple truth because they don't want to accept that this is the case.

Youve moved on, Id just enjoy if I were you, and not ruminate. Especially on MN where certain answers will cause you to overthink. Not healthy for your relationship at all.

My bil never wanted kids. Strung his lovely gf along for nearly ten sodding years. She saw the light and dumped him. Within two years he'd met married and was expecting his first child.

He told my dh that once his exgf had moved on he realised he'd only have a proper lasting relationship if he gave in to having kids. And that's why when he met a new gf he went with the flow and married etc.

He does actually massively regret not having children with his ex gf. I'd never tell my now sil that though

Think about all those very attractive, charming, intelligent and talented people whose relationships don’t work out. Think about all those god awful people who are forever married. A failed relationship is just part of life’s lessons. Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. I expect you both found something in what went wrong that made your current relationships better.

I think it could be unplanned/change of mind when you meet someone extra special

just Because they didn’t want kids with you it doesn’t mean someone else won’t want kids with you

In some cases it's an 'accidental' pregnancy.

But with a vasectomy I can see how that's more of a blow.

Since several years have pass I'd say lots of people go from not ever wanting dcs at age 30 to really wanting them by 40.

In simple
terms you weren’t the woman for him at that time

and thank god , and good !

as you’ve met someone infinitely nicer

the feeling of not being good enough is horrible and is probably what’s driving this residual hurt ?

My husband did this with me, meaning his previous girlfriend he didn't want children with.

He said she was a lovely woman just not right for him. She was too eager to please, never challenged him, never disagreed with him and he didn't want that.

So that's one man with his reasons. Just the wrong fit.