He said it’s my fault I get ghosted

[ConsultingTheOracle]

Good evening Mumsnet Oracle!

Bit of background:
Been in a situationship with a guy for about 4 years. The pattern goes: we are in contact for a couple of months, things are going nicely, he ghosts me, 6 months of silence, he gets back in touch (apologising, wants to sort things out, will make more effort), repeat. The last time he ghosted me was in August.

I will be turning 35 next year and would dearly love to meet someone, settle down and have children (not with him though).

I’m going through a period of self reflection and have been wondering why I keep getting ghosted (not just by him but by others I have met through online dating too) as I really want to break this cycle.

I messaged him earlier this week to ask why this keeps happening. He responded this evening to say that it’s because when I don’t get a reply back, I don’t send a further message to follow up, which gives the impression I’m not bothered.

My thinking is that if a guy is keen, then he would reply and I shouldn’t need to double text?

Interested to hear your views on this! Thank you

Well, for this man in particular it's just an excuse, putting the blame for his repeated behaviour onto you rather than admit that he isn't as keen as he acts when he gets back in contact. If he was keen, he would make the effort to stay in touch.

As for the others, what stage are they ghosting at?

Ghosting = they’re not interested in a relationship.

Reappearing again = they’re horny and hoping you’ll forgive them for ghosting you, or they’re bored/have nothing else planned so..

And rinse and repeat.

With this guy, if it’s always you having to “double text” to maintain contact then, as above. It shouldn’t be like that after 4 years. FOUR years. He’s stringing you along.

Oh please love, for your own sake, delete this dickheads number!

after telling him to ftfo, obviously.

you’re worth more than this.

He sounds like a gaslighter and wants you to be grateful you are getting his attention.

Delete this losers number and get on with your life... you do not want some lame ass dick wad in your life. The whole time you're contemplating crap guy you're missing out on Mr Right... bin him

You're allowing him to treat you this way

If you don't like it, stop allowing it

You're both going back to each other as there's nothing better on offer

The reason he ghosts you is exactly as he said- because he wants you to be constantly thinking about him and freaking out u he doesn't message you back, so much that you jerp texting him and giving him attention.

So he ghosts a. To punish you for that. And b. Because he wants more attention than you were already giving him.

He's a narcissistic asshole. Why you would ask him of small people for insight into you us beyond me.

Stop taking people like him back. You'll only be able to have healthy relationships when you've mastered setting boundaries for yourself around how you let people treat you.

True, he sounds like a dick and you’re well rid. But also, if with people you’d presumably been quite fond of, one “not replying” incident is enough for you to never message again, then I think you might be potentially exposing yourself to more crossed wires and hurt feelings than are strictly necessary. It’s a great way of filtering out idiots but it might catch some reasonable people out too. I’m not sure I’d utterly drop someone for want of one more follow up message, if there was nothing else wrong and I liked them.

To be clear - with him it sounds like yes he’s a self centred ass who is enjoying keeping you dangling and you need to delete his number and ignore him for the rest of eternity.

If you want to improve your life then do the following:
(i) block the loser, as he is just using you in-between other offers/ distractions. Walking STD infection and psychological mind-gamer all in one.
(ii) ghosting is doing you a favour as it shows you a person who is rude and has no back bone for confrontation. Not partner material at all.
(iii) do some self improvement work on yourself. People with good self esteem do not put up with losers and time-wasters. They like themselves enough to focus on having their needs met with someone decent, or remain single and happily so.
(iv) avoid OLD like a plague. It is rammed with socially defective weirdos who cannot find anyone to put up with them in real life. I am older than you, disabled, kids and independent so like single life. I found someone through a shared interest, and if I can do it, then so can a considerably younger, less disabled woman like you. It gives you a foundation for a relationship if you have mutual interests. OLD people ghost each other because it is the sweet shop, and that sort of media attracts a certain type of person who thinks of others as commodities to be swiped, blocked etc. Not all people on OLD are bad, but loads have baggage, or complex situations going on. OLD is a lazy way to meet someone. Go out into the world, do hobbies and interesting stuff. You never know who you might meet while you are having fun doing stuff you want.

It's not 'why do I get ghosted?' i.e. 'why does the other person behave that way?'

it's

'why do I care about people who stop contacting me?' i.e. 'why do I behave in this way?'

This is about you. Why are you asking for a respectable answer from someone who has disrespected you? He tells you why he ghosted you. Is he 'the voice of ghosters'? Is he 'The opinion that rules your world'? Is he some kind of authority on 'how to make you feel shit'? If he is, why do you want anything to do with him? If he isn't, why ask him?

My thinking is that if a guy is keen, then he would reply and I shouldn’t need to double text

So why not respect your own philosophy? Why does he know better? Have you no respect at all for your own thoughts and feelings?

Why do you keep allowing this loser to waste your time? Raise your standards. At 35 and wanting children, you don't have any time to waste on this nonsense.

It doesn't matter what he or anyone else says

You allow him to treat you badly and you go back for more poor treatment

Have more self respect

When they treat you like shit, get rid

LTB and move on

OK, he sounds like a dick in general but I do get where he's coming from IF IF IF this is his legitimate, truthful reason!... and honestly, I think it is. Yes, you COULD BE a convenience for him... he may be feeling lonely, he may be wanting a quickie, OR he may actually like you and is just sick and tired of having to constantly chase you!

Why should he always have to text first?! Basically what he's saying is that he won't get a reply if he doesn't reply to every message you send? You won't EVER double text??? Is this actually true? (And from what you suggest, it actually is!)

I'd actually dump you too after a while because this behaviour gets annoying...

This sounds like a power thing... I'm not going to message you unless you message first... I'm not giving you something until I get it first... I'm never giving you more than exactly 50%...

A relationship should never be anything less than equal, men are equal to women absolutely, and no one will ever make me think differently... but let's say he actually does like you... let's say all these men actually did like you... you're telling me you never double texted??? If they got busy for a day after your last message, you wouldn't message them again??? I personally would assume you don't care too and that would be a huge red flag for me!

Put the shoe on the other foot... you message a guy you like and you ask a question... he answers. You ask another question... he answers. Rinse and repeat. Wouldn't you get tired of this dynamic?

You need to stop being the "fallback girl" for when he's bored/randy/got nothing else to do and no-one to do it with. etc.

By allowing him to put you "on the back burner" it sends a message loud and clear that you don't value yourself very much.

Just stop entertaining this user. While you're wasting time with someone who's already shown you how useless he is, you could be missing out on Mr Right.

Make a start now and raise the bar a bit.

This.
You're wasting precious years on this loser.

Talk is cheap and words don't mean anything from him at all.

What he means is that you won't chase him...

I believe that you should stick to what you know is right.

If someone is truly interested, they'll never simply ignore your messages.

If you reply, and then he doesnt text next, and you dont double text. Im not even sure thats ghosting so much as - neither party felt bothered enough to carry on talking? To me, ghosting is when you initiate contact deliberately and they dont respond.

That said, I also never double texted in early dating. It sorted the wheat from the chaff, if they're interested enough theres no need to double text and vice versa. So....why not just assume your principle is correct? You've sorted the wheat from the chaff without break ups or conversation, it simply stopped. Youve got your answer in the most drama free way, and can move on?

He's ghosting you because you're allowing him to do it, and when he contacts you back you are there ready for him. He has no interest in you as a partner, just as a shag when he's lonely or horny. Please have some self-respect and get rid of him.

wait actually maybe i misread...do you initiate contact...like a hello etc.. and he doesnt reply? And he's suggesting you should send a follow up? And if you did you'd be graced with the magic of a reply from him? 😂😂😂😂 hilarious

His excuse is simply an excuse and he sounds a waste of space.

If you really follow a strict rule though, of only messaging once, then perhaps you are also a bit rigid in thinking and it puts some people off? Perhaps that wasn't what you meant though.

Either way, he is an idiot

Because you have low self worth and pick terrible men.

Block and delete this guy and any other guys who have ghosted you.

Read up on codependence and attachment styles and reflect on previous relationships and your childhood to try and understand what happened that made you believe you need to accept such terrible behaviour.

@scoobydoo1971 you've summed up the attitude attached to OLD perfectly.

I was interested in your comments that people like this guy use women in between better offers. What constitutes a better offer than the OP (as an example)? Is it that they know they don't have to work hard or 'deserve' her or they genuinely think a better offer is more attractive, better looking, more money or whatever? And why do those better offers fizzle in the end?

You're just a bit of a booty call really. Send him a farewell text and then follow it up with a repeated farewell text, then block.