He said it’s my fault I get ghosted

[ConsultingTheOracle]

Good evening Mumsnet Oracle!

Bit of background:
Been in a situationship with a guy for about 4 years. The pattern goes: we are in contact for a couple of months, things are going nicely, he ghosts me, 6 months of silence, he gets back in touch (apologising, wants to sort things out, will make more effort), repeat. The last time he ghosted me was in August.

I will be turning 35 next year and would dearly love to meet someone, settle down and have children (not with him though).

I’m going through a period of self reflection and have been wondering why I keep getting ghosted (not just by him but by others I have met through online dating too) as I really want to break this cycle.

I messaged him earlier this week to ask why this keeps happening. He responded this evening to say that it’s because when I don’t get a reply back, I don’t send a further message to follow up, which gives the impression I’m not bothered.

My thinking is that if a guy is keen, then he would reply and I shouldn’t need to double text?

Interested to hear your views on this! Thank you

To me, being ghosted implies that they are actively ignoring you. Failing to reply to a message is not ghosing, it's just forgetting to reply to a message because you are busy, have nothing to say or just think you'll reply later and them forget (happens to me all the time).

When someone fails to reply to my message for a couple of days, I will oftentimes follow up, especially if I'm keen to keep contact. Usually the other person apologises for the delay, responds and conversation resumes.

It would take several attempts to resume conversation going ignored for me to assume I'd been ghosted.

As for this guy, bin him, he's taking up headspace and is not worth it.

Hi everyone

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post, I really appreciate it and have taken all your feedback on board.

To clarify, my last messages to him before he falls off the radar, always have a question in there. It’s not just me replying to a question of his and not continuing the conversation.

As of now his number is deleted and I have deleted him on social media. Think I need to take a break from online dating for a while and as some people have suggested, look into building my self esteem.

No doubt he will test the water again in 6 months time (I’ll set my watch now!), but this time I have this thread to refer to if I’m feeling weak!

Thanks again everyone and hope you have a good day x

With kindness...block the number rather than merely deleting it. Your issue doesn't seem to be around contacting him but replying when he contacts you. So prevent his ability to reel you in before it even starts

Agreed, block him and don’t look back. Never look back except to see how far you’ve come.

this kind of man - if truly ghosting you rather than just being uninterested- is the kind that will stonewall you. That is to say he’ll be in a room with you and blank you. You think ghosting destroys your self esteem? Stonewalling destroys your very soul.

stop giving this mediocre man permission to hurt you.

every second he’s interacting with you or you’re giving head space to him, you’re allowing him to occupy the place in your life where a real man could be.

We on the internet can’t tell you why every person is ghosting you. But judging on your situationship of 4 YEARS (!!!!) the blame isn’t solely on you.

This guy does to want to commit to you. He only wants sex from the sounds of things. So it doesn’t matter about getting a text from you…4 years of not committing show that he doesn’t really care. No guy who truly wants a girl is gonna expect her to chase…he’s gonna try and see if he can be in a relationship with you.

The guy sounds awful and manipulative - it’s 100% not because you don’t text back lol.

Stop the situationship - whatever that shit is - and don't accept anything that isn't going anywhere.
Also - don't ask for advice on relationships from men who treat you badly.

Seems to me it's precisely when you show some self-respect that he claims you're treating him poorly.
He doesn't want to commit to a relationship with you, but he wants to keep you sweet enough for some sex.

To clarify, my last messages to him before he falls off the radar, always have a question in there. It’s not just me replying to a question of his and not continuing the conversation.

I find the asking questions thing odd, I can’t think of a text conversation where we continuously ask questions - we chat back and forth commenting on our day, the weather, send links to stuff we find interesting, whatever. I dont ask questions hoping to elicit a response, if the person wants to respond they will. Mind you I also don’t have an issue double texting.

At 35 you should go and get fertility checks done.

A better offer usually just means someone you'd prefer to be with, which can be for a variety of reasons. More attractive to you, more compatible. But more often, I think it really just means a different offer. Some men enjoy the novelty over the familiar.
As to why they fizzle out, sometimes the novelty wears off. Sometimes the other woman sees his flaws and ends it. Sometimes the guy is the better offer woman's fall back, and she ghosts him when her own better offer comes along.

So you’ve wasted 4 years of your life being this guys booty call is what you’re really saying?

People treat you as you allow yourself to be treated. As simple as that.

The first time they ghost you, they are in the wrong. And there is absolutely no reason why you should excuse or forgive them.

The second time they ghost you, you are victimising yourself and need to take accountability for allowing them to screw you over repeatedly.

Raise the bar and gather some self-respect.

That’s one of the shittist excuses I’ve heard to ghost someone, because they don’t double text.

You will get ghosted from time to time by others, it’s no reflection on you and nothing you can do to stop it, your not responsible for how others act

If you really want to settle down and have children, you don't have any more time to waste on this person. Block him and prioritise a new dating strategy.