Adult child in the middle of parent’s separation/infidelity

[Eeeka]

I just want to sob and vent.

My dad has been living outside the marital home for about 3 months now. I am an only child and married with my own DC. He has been living in the lodgings above his business, seeing DC separately from mum apart from a couple of occasions where they have wanted to be together to keep up appearances (my in laws visiting, a big family birthday, etc.). My dad simply says he is unhappy and needs to figure out what he wants. My mum is heartbroken.

I have desperately tried to remain neutral, and encourage them to go to counselling to try and either achieve a friendly separation, or see if there is something worth saving. I haven’t had to parent them. They haven’t been ‘leaning on’ me. It’s just impossible to detach as we all live so close and they visit often. The both love being grandparents and hate the idea of seeing DC separately.

My father in particular can NEVER be the bad guy, has form for infidelity that I discovered when I was a child. He is a doting grandfather and adores my child and spoiling them. He would be around here every day if he could and I think he fears upsetting me as this would change our relationship.

I gave my dad and his crisis some grace but always thought ‘cherchez la femme’ due to his previous form. This has been solidified by a number saved as a comma repeatedly calling him over dinner last week and him saying it was someone completely different who I know for a fact who isn’t saved in his phone as ,.

This weekend, to cut a long story short, he said he would pet sit whilst I was away, didn’t show up and got a mate to step in which resulted in one of my cats being starved over the weekend. He did this in a way that pretended he had been there but was found out by our cameras. He had no reason to lie to me about not being able to do it, unless he wanted to hide that he was away for the weekend. I believe he is having an affair and has moved out to appease another woman, probably hasn’t made his mind up about what he’s doing either way.

Now, this has reached fever pitch because it’s my child’s christening this weekend (recently had a small baby). It is in a different, very religious country in a teeny village where my DH is from and has been a much anticipated event. My DC is the only grandchild and my mum is so so sad that this cloud has been cast over the day. As it stands we are all travelling together, staying in the same hotel, enjoying the day and party together (this is a very big deal).

My mum has suddenly become suspicious and is in turmoil. She does not want to burden me which breaks my heart and only tells me because I ask. I haven’t told her about my suspicions as I think it would force me to take sides :(

If he’s cheating on my mum- I don’t want him there. I don’t want his mistress around my children masquerading as a ‘new girlfriend’. I know in my heart but there is no proof and he will just accuse me of being a liar like I did when I found him out before.

It’s just all such a mess. I want a good relationship with both of them. They are my parents. But my dad can’t act how he wants, disrespect my mum and expect I will be fine with it surely? And my poor little cat was in a right state because of his lies ☹️

Bump

I think if you want it resolved you need to confront him, maybe start with pointing out you know he didn't cat sit and you are mad about that, and what possible explanation he could have for that and start from there.

Sounds like a mess though, I'm so sorry, must be tough.

He has an excuse for everything: he forgot the keys so couldn’t go that night, was in a rush the next morning so dropped them off at a mate’s and told him to feed the cat (who didn’t give my cat anywhere near enough food, didn’t check her litter and didn’t give her any water).

Everything has an excuse or other people are LYING. As usual

but he is still my dad, does so much for me and my family. I wish this wasn’t happening

I just want to know if I go NC that I am 100 percent in the right

My 5 adult children are no contact with their father for this very reason. He was a liar and cheat, using visiting/ helping them with DIY as a cover to see OW. So not only did he treat me appallingly in our marriage, he left them feeling used and angry at his piss poor behaviour. Trouble is men like this do not face consequences for their actions until it is pointed out to them. Perhaps your mother never did or is totally unaware he has an OW.

I would call him out on his lying and that you suspect another woman and suggest he sorts himself out. So sorry you and your mother are both suffering at the hands of an entitled selfish man with no integrity. One of my daughters told her father straight that she had been brought up to have respect for the feelings of others and good morals (mostly by her mother) and therefore she didn't feel due to his conduct he was a suitable role model or safe person to be around her children. It really stung him apparently as he has lost his children and now grandchildren.

Personally I wouldn’t go no contact with your father, despite what he has done. But it would be natural to want to withdraw somewhat, and not to want him to attend the christening in such close quarters with your mother. Could you explain to him that your mum thinks he is having an affair, that you suspect this too - that it is his own life and you are not going to try and prove it one way or another (he will just deny) - but as your mum is so heartbroken you think it’s best he doesn’t come along. Or just comes for a short part of it and stays/travels separately.

Your dilemma is so similar to every betrayed wife and I can see that although you are daughter his gaslighting and minimising must be so utterly hurtful. You then have the added pain of watching your lovely mum.

Repeated phone calls are a red flag, saving a number with a random symbol is a red flag, previous form is a red flag, leaving his wife claiming misery is a red flag.

I don't doubt that you and your poor mum are right.

I'd be very frank. 'Dad I don't want to hear your lies, I know you are cheating and in the circumstances I do not want you near mum so I'm afraid you can't come to this weekend. Please don't embarrass us both with lies and half truths.'

Then enjoy your weekend. I think a decision around NC can be made when things calm down a little bit right now deal with the immediate concerns.

What a horrible thing for you to have to deal with!

You sound a loyal daughter.

Sometimes you don't know how to respond to these threads concerning children, yes you are an adult but it's heartbreaking for you to see your parents marriage fall to pieces.
The problem is your mother has had a double blow of being left and having no real answers, to be lied to and gaslit is beyond cruel, it's very painful, but you have to ask yourself why your father is not being honest.
It may well be it is guilt that he definitely wants to leave your mother forever or he could be testing the waters with another relationship any may not yet want to burn his bridges.

You also don't know if your mother could ever forgive him if he did return, nothing seems to be confirmed and this means everyones life is on hold waiting for yor father to make up his mind and reveal the truth of the situation.

So very difficult for you, what to do and what to say for fear of making things worse.
You ask about no contact, is this what you would like to do or do you just feel it's what you ought to do? I personaly would distance myself from my father in these circumstances but that's me, you are you and no one can tell you to do that with your own father, as for confronting him, I think he already knows what you and your mother think but he's either not strong enough to tell the truth or he so adept at lying he will deceive you both forever more.

I am so very sorry, do you think councelling could help you unpick your feelings about this and help you come to a decision on how to help your mother.

For starters, I think all three of you need to stop pretending everything's fine. Your parents are separated, that's the truth and the reality, so I would definitely set a boundary of no longer being part of any parade of all still being "family" that puts you in the middle of them. Get some distance from your dad for a bit.

wishing you the best, sounds like an anxious time.
i hope all can hold it together.
i would ask that he leaves his phone behind for a start

Thank you- I would have no hesitancy to do what your daughter is doing but at the moment I have no proof, just him acting oddly and a few red flags of bunting. It’s so hard.

They aren’t ‘out’ separated though.

No one knows- not even family. Both of them only want to be ‘out’ if they actually made the decision to divorce.

I completely get what you are saying though and agree. I told them they need to be in counselling or have openly separated to come to the baby’s christening as me and my DH feel deeply uncomfortable being the third wheel in this.

Thanks for your message.

I agree. It’s either he doesn’t want to burn his bridges as if there is an OW he may not want to be with her either, or wants to stretch out the separation period so long that any OW can be conceivably be a ‘new girlfriend’. This is my fear. I don’t want her around my child or at family events.

I know people often say that with affairs that everyone just needs to move on after a while- but I will not be spending any time with any woman I know to have been instrumental in causing my mum so much pain. I suppose I will maintain a strained and curt relationship with my father because that’s my dad- but I won’t be entertaining OW.

that is understandable op

While it’s not your place to make any announcements it’s very unfair of them to expect you to collude in their lies and deceptions.

I just wish I knew

but he will never tell the truth

all of those things are red flags though, yes. I have right to be suspicious.

I do feel like a betrayed wife as he has dragged me into his lies. He wants to keep me sweet to see the baby.

My parents had me as teens and married young. There isn’t much of a generational gap and I am an only child which has its own dynamic. We are also in each other’s pockets constantly and very close.

so he wasn’t at his work lodgings this morning after a weekend of not picking up the phone or replying to texts. My mum felt odd herself and did a stake out. He didn’t open up, but one of his staff came along with the keys. He wasn’t there. The member of staff is kind and gets on well with mum. My mum asked them to let her know that she was looking for him.

When he found out my mum had been there when he eventually rocked up- he called her feigning some work issue that called him away at 3am. Completely implausible for a Sunday night/early hours of Monday.

so more red flags but no proof

mum obviously is convinced there is OW but won’t let me support her. She just keeps on saying how sad she is for me and the baby. Also she is spiralling in case my husband thinks he has married into a ‘bad family’

what a mess. It didn’t have to be like this. Separation would have always been horrible but it didn’t need to be like this

I would get counselling for yourself - better you are a calm and able person to support her in the future than upset and angry.
Assume DF is having an affair. I would think you could say to him whilst this mess (him messing around leaving/ not leaving, lying ) goes on you’d like to see less of him as it’s upsetting for you (which it is -especially the ? Lies), no reason why you can’t do that, DS has a lifetime to rebuild the relationship later.
The christening - plaster on a smile.

i think you need to step back
they have their own issues to go through.
plaster on a smile for the christening

I think you need to step back and not be as involved in your parents’ marriage. You can support your mother, but you don’t need to be the detective. I don’t think you are helping her at this time. And in fact, I think you are making it harder for her.
Whatever is going on, needs to develop naturally.

Your parents separation isn’t some shameful event that affects your baby’s christening. We don’t live in Middle Ages.
There is no reason to hide it, and make it stressful for everyone.

Please can you tell me how I’m being the detective? I haven’t done anything to investigate. I have just been confronted with his lies and him neglecting my cat to keep them up.

it was my mum who is going on stake outs, speaking to his colleagues. She believed he was acting weird on Friday so has done her own ‘detective work’.

re: what this means for the christening it’s nothing to do with it being ‘shameful’- where have you got that impression?

it’s the fact that my mum currently can’t get on a four hour flight, a long transfer and then be in the same room with a bloke who is treating her so cruelly and I am just horribly stuck in the middle.

can you quietly book them seperate rooms to ease the event

As difficult as it is, do you think your mother turned a blind eye on condition that outwardly they were the perfect couple, now he's actually fallen in Iove so gone against their agreement?

For logistical reasons it’s really not feasible. They either have to go as a separated couple, or a couple. Due to the rural location, dynamics and general logistics- if they are in the midst of infidelity accusations and marital warfare- there is going to be no way to create any distance between theM

I don’t think so. She wouldn’t stand for this. mum has forgiven in the past it seems because it was based around texting and messaging websites

she is currently packing all of his bags up seeing as she believes there is a living breathing third party

can you not invite him?