Adult child in the middle of parent’s separation/infidelity

[Eeeka]

I just want to sob and vent.

My dad has been living outside the marital home for about 3 months now. I am an only child and married with my own DC. He has been living in the lodgings above his business, seeing DC separately from mum apart from a couple of occasions where they have wanted to be together to keep up appearances (my in laws visiting, a big family birthday, etc.). My dad simply says he is unhappy and needs to figure out what he wants. My mum is heartbroken.

I have desperately tried to remain neutral, and encourage them to go to counselling to try and either achieve a friendly separation, or see if there is something worth saving. I haven’t had to parent them. They haven’t been ‘leaning on’ me. It’s just impossible to detach as we all live so close and they visit often. The both love being grandparents and hate the idea of seeing DC separately.

My father in particular can NEVER be the bad guy, has form for infidelity that I discovered when I was a child. He is a doting grandfather and adores my child and spoiling them. He would be around here every day if he could and I think he fears upsetting me as this would change our relationship.

I gave my dad and his crisis some grace but always thought ‘cherchez la femme’ due to his previous form. This has been solidified by a number saved as a comma repeatedly calling him over dinner last week and him saying it was someone completely different who I know for a fact who isn’t saved in his phone as ,.

This weekend, to cut a long story short, he said he would pet sit whilst I was away, didn’t show up and got a mate to step in which resulted in one of my cats being starved over the weekend. He did this in a way that pretended he had been there but was found out by our cameras. He had no reason to lie to me about not being able to do it, unless he wanted to hide that he was away for the weekend. I believe he is having an affair and has moved out to appease another woman, probably hasn’t made his mind up about what he’s doing either way.

Now, this has reached fever pitch because it’s my child’s christening this weekend (recently had a small baby). It is in a different, very religious country in a teeny village where my DH is from and has been a much anticipated event. My DC is the only grandchild and my mum is so so sad that this cloud has been cast over the day. As it stands we are all travelling together, staying in the same hotel, enjoying the day and party together (this is a very big deal).

My mum has suddenly become suspicious and is in turmoil. She does not want to burden me which breaks my heart and only tells me because I ask. I haven’t told her about my suspicions as I think it would force me to take sides :(

If he’s cheating on my mum- I don’t want him there. I don’t want his mistress around my children masquerading as a ‘new girlfriend’. I know in my heart but there is no proof and he will just accuse me of being a liar like I did when I found him out before.

It’s just all such a mess. I want a good relationship with both of them. They are my parents. But my dad can’t act how he wants, disrespect my mum and expect I will be fine with it surely? And my poor little cat was in a right state because of his lies ☹️

in that case seperate rooms seems ideal.

if he had another woman he wouldnt surely be so dense as to bring her?

Of course he wouldn’t bring her

the separate rooms thing doesn’t really matter

there is one flight that weekend
one bus/coach
a tiny village

there will be no way to create distance at all

he is most likely going to be uninvited :( I just wish he had ended things properly two weeks ago rather than the lies and the misery claiming. We would be in a different place. It’s made things hard on all of us.

Two weeks? Months

this has all gone on so long

I guess your Dad is hiding OW so that the christening will go ahead with the family facade. However he is blinded to the fact that as he has disengaged/emotional detached from your mother it will obvious to you and your mum.

It will feel brutal for her - she will know what her intutition is telling her but due to his lies she will be in a state of conflict and no doubt has some hope.

Could you tell your dad that you believe he isn't being truthful and that makes travelling all together very difficult as no one will be relaxed.

How would you feel having photos without him in the pictures? What does your mum feel about the trio?

I think this is the case.

I was a big daddy’s girl growing up and we are/were very close. He loves the baby so much as well. He is very aware that sides will be taken if he has acted dishonourably so is desperately trying to hide it.

he hasn’t replied to my texts nor returned my calls since I sent him a very calm text saying that his mate hadn’t cared for the cat properly and had scavenged through all my cupboards and bins to eat (she is able to open them)

I’m so sad about the cat :( I hate that she wasn’t looked after properly so he could cover his tracks and pretend all was normal.

it was his birthday too and I left some thoughtful gifts from me and the baby. I was sad about him living at the office and wanted to spoil him a bit. He got his mate to take them to pretend that he was there :(

You need to confront your father, & tell him you are not all stupid, there is clearly a OW or OM.
You are not being lied to anymore,. He has to grow up & behave like an adult. He wants to leave your Mother, get on & do it without all this torment, it's making it worse by the day. Stop the gaslighting & lies.
& due to all his bollox he cannot come to the Christening

"I know in my heart but there is no proof and he will just accuse me of being a liar like I did when I found him out before."

Wow, that's not a nice man or a good father. I know it's tough, but I feel you will have no peace until you take a stand. You don't need 'proof' - because you know, don't you? You don't have to be horrible and you don't have to cut off contact, but you also don't have to 'tolerate' this behaviour. And maybe now is the time to put your mother first. I would consider telling him you will no longer tolerate dishonesty and ask him not to attend the christening. It's also interesting why you fear taking a stand? Is there some part of you that is replicating the parental relationship? Personally, for me, a man who will lie and gaslight his daughter is a man who has crossed a line.

He really isn't being fair to your mother, she knows something is going on but his reluctance and lies are just to save his reputation and to paint himself as the victim if he eventually separates for someone else.

I would hire an PI if he is being so disrespectful, maybe he wants to come back eventually but he needs to be honest, your mother's sexual health is at stake for one if he decides to return. He clearly doesn't want to lose you but he's damaging things, his marriage, your relationship and it looks like he can't face the guilt and act like a responsible adult and be acountable.

You will hear some on here who will say keep out of it and your father has every right to a new life and you should not take sides.
I would say not all adults know best, just because you are younger does not mean you cannot make your own moral judgements, you know this world of lies is killing your mom and this needs to end for her, he may think he's acting out of respect for both of you but he is not.
He is acting selfishly and needs to be acountable for his actions, gaslighting your mother is very cruel, making her look like a mug till he makes his mind up is very unfair.

You both have rights in this awful situation don't be afraid to state them.
I'm surprised your mother has the strength to go to this Christening, her world and mental health must be destroyed, a terrible limbo she is in.
I think things may explode at some point with everyone lying and pretending nothing is happening.

This situation is not sustainable.

I would also encourage your mother to get her ducks in a row and visit a solicitor, if there is a new woman on the scene, your mom needs to write a new will out and find out her financial situation in this.

Encourage her to do so.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP, what an awful situation to be in. The parent /child dynamic doesn't help either does it, we can all set boundaries and communicate honestly with strangers and work colleagues but with parents it's just so hard. I think you need to have a bit more of an honest conversation with your dad. You love him but you know he's lying and it's just making everyone's life so difficult, pretending to perpetuate his lies and now people (and a cat!) are being hurt. Good luck, I know it's not going to be easy x

It absolutely isn’t sustainable, you are right

fuck knows what is going to happen

they are meeting up later

reckon he’s going to be full of platitudes so he can have his cosy christening and Christmas, but it’s mum’s choice if she wants to listen

Your mother should file for divorce. He's taking her for a complete fool. Then she could go to the christening etc as a single woman - he could do what he liked.

I agree with this, he needs his consequenses.

No man is immune.

How are you all @Eeeka :(

@Eeeka How is your mum doing?