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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Opinions on husbands behaviour?

34 replies

Misty398 · 27/11/2022 22:04

Hi I’m not sure why I’m even posting this for opinions as deep down I know the answer but i guess it helps to hear other point ks views so I don’t feel like im losing my mind

iVe been married now for over 20 years and hit middle age and I can’t bear to even be in the presence of my husband. We have two older teenage kids who I believe have reached that opinion about their father too as his parenting style has always been more authoritative than the loving patient father.

anyway tonight I listed down some of the experiences I’ve lived through the last 25 years both before marriage until present day.

im reading through these and i honestly can’t believe I married this guy let alone hung around for so long

Surely this is not normal and I feel like I’ve been gaslighed my whole marriage as everything is always mine or the kids fault
??

The marriage hasn’t all been bad but interleaved with these episodes that seem to be happening more frequent of late

  • Smashed fist into wall in temper and broke fingers
  • Crazy anger fit one night and smashed guitar
  • Knife cutting his own arms in front of me during arguments before we married if I threatened to leave him
  • Threw water over me on holidays during argument
  • Threw laundry all over floor for me to pick up
  • Went crazy over an argument about money and had me drive him around with kids upset in car to drop him off in a hedge to spend the night
  • Pulled daughters hair as punishment if she did something wrong
  • Daugther name calling and constant put downs
  • Angry at clutter under stairs in temper he threw everything out into floor in rage and demanded we clean and tidy it up
  • Pulls mattress from spare room into outside garage to sleep for days huffing after an argument
  • Was angry when I was sick with flu off work and had a go at me for not cleaning out kitchen cupboards
OP posts:
SachiLars · 27/11/2022 22:16

As you said, you already know the answer.

Ontheedge2 · 27/11/2022 22:18

Protect your daughter, get out now

stuntbubbles · 27/11/2022 22:19

You know the answer. LTB. As soon as you feel safe to do so. Leave leave leave.

BlueSlate · 27/11/2022 22:20

Knife cutting his own arms in front of me during arguments before we married if I threatened to leave him

You should have left him to it.

I'd imagine you've asked yourself many times how you ended up married to him for so long.

It appalls me how we, as a society, encourage girls to see marriage as the ultimate success and to stick with men like this and how many women have facilitated the abuse of their own children as a result.

ThanksAntsThants · 27/11/2022 22:21

The thing that you know deep down, I agree, you are not wrong.

Craftycorvid · 27/11/2022 22:31

You will have felt it impossible to leave in the past, and you may have felt afraid to leave. What support would you need to leave now and what are the barriers to leaving?

Toomanysleepycats · 27/11/2022 22:38

No this doesn’t sound normal, but you already know that.

I’m in the same situation as you and after therapy can’t believe what I’ve put up with in the past. But I needed to pay a therapist before I could see it clearly.

I feel the need to repeat to myself (and others) some of the events in my marriage that I consider ‘proof’ as to his unreasonable behaviour, (and why I’m not the bad guy for leaving).

However, I think (and I hope) I am getting over this phase.

  1. I have decided to divorce
  2. Trying to explain to him my side goes no where (and it never did and never will make a difference.
  3. A very few people will understand, but I don’t cover myself in glory by dwelling on his behaviour and telling others.

I know this is because I need to process that I’ve fooled myself into thinking he’s that nice person he shows to everybody else.

I think I’m waffling a bit but I’m trying to explain that you don’t need others to tell you what you already know (although this is exactly what I tried to do).

Leave him because you are unhappy, leave because he’s not a nice person, leave for your childrens sake. You don’t need a list of things he’s done to justify leaving.

Best of luck.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/11/2022 22:45

He sounds mentally ill.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/11/2022 22:46

But you should leave as it doesn't sound like he'll be seeking treatment any time soon

Sunnydays78 · 27/11/2022 22:51

Hi op I have experienced what you are going through just now. It’s like you’ve lived this life then one day you waken up and take stock. Writing things down is a great way to process be careful you don’t get caught though.
your husband is abusive and like mine has issues with women whether that is his kids or wife. Here’s what I know these men don’t change, we do because we need to get everything right and stop annoying him! At least that’s how it feels, one day you wake up and you wonder how on Earth you put up with all the bullshit.
what I would say is don’t worry about feeling like you should have paid attention sooner, you’ve noticed now that’s the most important thing. Life without these types of men is wonderful. Get out asap x

EmmaDilemma5 · 27/11/2022 22:52

😲 OP, do you not think hair pulling is violence?

Do you think it's ok for anybody to have their hair pulled by someone as punishment?

Wow. I'm so glad your eyes are finally open. You need to protect your children. Don't be a passive watcher, they deserve better. So do you.

Leave him asap (when safe).

FannyFifer · 27/11/2022 23:03

What on earth.
Divorce this abusive prick and get yourself and children into counselling to help with the damage this had done to you all.
He slept in a hedge? This is all utter madness. Get away now, do not waste anymore of your life.

Jenni92 · 28/11/2022 18:47

Have you ever spoken to him about trying counselling, even family counselling?

layladomino · 28/11/2022 18:55

Please ignore suggestions of counselling. You need to get yourseld and your children away from this abusive man, as soon as you safely can.

Jenni92 · 28/11/2022 19:03

I see some people saying ignore counselling suggestions. I also see those same people saying 'you need to do this, you need to that...'

I have extracted your line from your post 'I’m even posting this for opinions as deep down I know the answer but i guess it helps to hear other point ks views so I don’t feel like im losing my mind'

Your partner sounds like he could be cluster B potentially a narcissist or an individual with a personality disorder or mental issues. Or he could just be someone who had an unhealthy upbringing and sometimes loses control of himself. I don't know and I can't diagnose.

What I would say is that you recognise that you are unsure what you feel/want when you mentioned you feel like you're losing your mind. Sounds like you could use some reassurance. You could potentially be experiencing gaslighting jekly and hyde behaviour which makes it difficult to come to terms with what you're experiencing.

Sitting with a counsellor will give you perspective and also re-assurance that you are not losing your mind. It sounds like this may also be beneficial.

It would also probably be challenging to just leave like that after 20 years, might experience withdrawal symptoms.

Hope this is helpful :)

WhatsErFace2020 · 28/11/2022 19:06

After these outbursts you don’t really get an apology but is he overly nice by any chance? That was my ExDH, took me years to see the pattern Nasty>Nice>Nasty>Nice. He would also accuse me of doing the things he was doing and said I was controlling 😅 it’s funny now but they really do mess with your own thoughts and you question yourself.

I did divorce mine thankfully and happily remarried to someone who doesn’t have these ups and downs, took a while to get used to being in a healthy relationship, but it’s wonderful.

I know from others though that he is exactly the same with his new wife, I feel terrible for her, she has lasted longer so far than I did with him, while I pray for her to also have the strength to leave.

Its not YOU it’s HIM.

Spudina · 28/11/2022 19:12

Geez OP. That’s a frightening list. Getting counselling for yourself to help with processing all of that might well be useful. However, joint counselling when one partner is abusive is a definite no. Please get your kids away from this man and make a new life for you all. But also please, please be careful. An abuser is never more dangerous than when their victim is planning to leave. Do you have support IRL??

been and done it. · 28/11/2022 19:46

One word psycho

Name99 · 28/11/2022 20:00

Ring Women's aid and tell them everything.
You need to get the hell out of there

Natty13 · 28/11/2022 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Crazykatie · 28/11/2022 20:06

Time to accumulate some money that you can access, when you think you have enough kick him out.

No more to be said!

CraigDavid · 28/11/2022 20:09

Your husband is a violent abuser. You need to leave him, if not for your sake then for your kids.

Bananalanacake · 28/11/2022 20:11

I hope he smashed his own guitar.

Mumma · 28/11/2022 20:13

Your daughter will think this is normal and acceptable in a relationship. Get her out and show her what she really deserves in the future before its too late.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/11/2022 20:15

Mumma · 28/11/2022 20:13

Your daughter will think this is normal and acceptable in a relationship. Get her out and show her what she really deserves in the future before its too late.

This. He's abusive to you AND your child. You can choose it for you, but not for your child.