Opinions on husbands behaviour?

[Misty398]

Hi I’m not sure why I’m even posting this for opinions as deep down I know the answer but i guess it helps to hear other point ks views so I don’t feel like im losing my mind

iVe been married now for over 20 years and hit middle age and I can’t bear to even be in the presence of my husband. We have two older teenage kids who I believe have reached that opinion about their father too as his parenting style has always been more authoritative than the loving patient father.

anyway tonight I listed down some of the experiences I’ve lived through the last 25 years both before marriage until present day.

im reading through these and i honestly can’t believe I married this guy let alone hung around for so long

Surely this is not normal and I feel like I’ve been gaslighed my whole marriage as everything is always mine or the kids fault
??

The marriage hasn’t all been bad but interleaved with these episodes that seem to be happening more frequent of late

• Smashed fist into wall in temper and broke fingers
• Crazy anger fit one night and smashed guitar
• Knife cutting his own arms in front of me during arguments before we married if I threatened to leave him
• Threw water over me on holidays during argument
• Threw laundry all over floor for me to pick up
• Went crazy over an argument about money and had me drive him around with kids upset in car to drop him off in a hedge to spend the night
• Pulled daughters hair as punishment if she did something wrong
• Daugther name calling and constant put downs
• Angry at clutter under stairs in temper he threw everything out into floor in rage and demanded we clean and tidy it up
• Pulls mattress from spare room into outside garage to sleep for days huffing after an argument
• Was angry when I was sick with flu off work and had a go at me for not cleaning out kitchen cupboards

You and your daughter should do the freedom program. That might help you process why you stayed so long and hopefully, help prevent your daughter copying you and picking am abusive partner.

I'd also sit her down and apologise when you are out, for staying so long. And for failing to protect her from the abuse BY staying. And make sure she knows it is never OK for someone to treat anyone the way your husband treats women.

You only have one life, get free!

You have to leave this violent abuser, if not for your own sake, you must do it for your dc. Because at the moment you are enabling their abuse, and it cannot continue.

A lot of this struck a big chord OP. We had such a great relationship for the first 6 or7 years - then one day I remember thinking 'I'm married to a reallife Jekyll and Hyde ' - if anything in life triggered him - I became the person to vent to- no physical violence, just a bit of a whipping post. It kind of crept in.

I haven't left- I'm not physically well at the moment - I do wish now that 10 years ago when 50 I had said enough is enough- not because I don't care but because I don't actually like living with them enough anymore. I wish I had told myself that was enough- there didn't need to be enough to convince others I was 'in the right'

What do you need to leave OP. Do you need practical help or just confirmation that you are absolutely right in your conclusion that you need to GTFO of that marriage now, not later, but as quickly as you possibly can.

Life without men like this is truly wonderful. I speak from experience.

You don't need anyone's permission to leave.

Even one of the incidents you describe would be enough to warrant calling a screeching halt to the madness.

Many would warrant having him arrested or sectioned.

DO NOT DO JOINT OR FAMILY COUNSELING WITH THIS MAN.

No accredited counselor would take you on as a couple or family.

Women's Aid number is 0808 2000 247

If he threatens self harm or suicide again once you've gone, just call the ambulance people and let them know the situation. They can decide what to do. And if he's wasting their time, they'll fine him or whatever and he won't bloody pull that crap again.

No more succumbing to emotional blackmail.

Call women’s aid OP you’re being abused as are your children!

I grew up with animal like that for a father. I hope you understand what you have done to your daughter by staying with him.