Does having children always damage the parents' relationship?

[whyhere]

It seems to me that women thrive (generally) as mothers, while men struggle (or just ignore their fatherhood) - it also seems that the parents' relationship always suffers. Is this inevitable?

Cards on the table: once I became a mother (one daughter, over thirty years ago) my husband became pretty much impossible to live with, as he wanted his (our?) life to carry on exactly as it had before parenthood. When he had an affair and left it was nothing but a relief. (He had become abusive and coercive, to give some context - which I suspect might not have happened had we remained childless.)

I think I'm pondering all of this because almost all the posts I read on here (admittedly mainly in this section, and AIBU) relate to difficulties between men and women who have children. Would love to hear your thoughts.

I think couples who's relationship isn't strained don't talk about it online as there's no need to seek help.

The first few weeks of ds life were hard and dh really struggled with the lack of sleep, and that caused issues between us. I wouldnt say it damaged our relationship, but it made us talk to eachother about how much was different (we thought we were prepared, but actually until baby arrives, you don't really appreciate how much) and as ds has grown, socially things are still fairly similar to how they were pre ds (took until he was about 1.5 for us to get there). I still do things with my friends and he still does with his. Admittedly we don't socialise as a couple, unless children are there, as often as we used to.

But no our relationship hasn't been damaged, changed because we don't have as much freedom as we did, but we are still ourselves as much as we are mum and dad.

We have a 7 month old baby, have been together for 12 years and married for 5. I’m late thirties and he’s mid 40s. We won’t have any more children - I can’t anyway now (cancer) but we had already agreed that one would be the right amount of upheaval for us to able to cope with 😂 even without the early menopause I think we would have stuck to this. We still feel like a team this way.

I don’t think our relationship has changed besides a slight increase in tired snappiness perhaps, and we apologise to each other when that happens anyway. It’s not been easy, baby had reflux and I got diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 4 months old - but my husband has gone above and beyond to take care of us both and I love him even more than I did before which I didn’t think was possible. I’ve had two surgeries and just started chemo, and I thank my lucky stars I didn’t marry a man like many of my friends did who won’t get up in the night/can’t cook/can’t put a wash on etc. (It could have been me too…my ex before meeting my husband was hopeless, and I hear from mutual friends he’s married with a child now and frequently buggers off on lads trips/golf days/football whenever he likes 🙄)

We did wait a while to have our daughter and had been through other stressful situations and come out stronger so I think that helps. Many of my friends married and had kids quite quickly in their twenties and a lot of them resent their husbands I think. Who knows, it might still go tits up for us for whatever reason but so far we’re doing okay.

For the first year yes as we were both so tired and had hardly any sex. Now though I think it has made us stronger. I love my DH so much more for seeing what a great dad he is. However DH is a hands on parent and always has been, always sharing night wakings, bedtimes, activities etc.

Yes I think it does. I'm very happily married as are my two sisters. All our partners are great, hard working, loving parents. But we have all really struggled. Our lives have changed, theirs less so. Less time for the relationship. More stress and strain in every area of life.

Like the first poster has said. You only hear about the negatives on here as people are venting/asking for advice.

There are loads of happy families and normal dads doing typical normal parenting with their kids.

There are a lot of men who display selfish behaviour before the kids arrive and the women ignore it. 'They'll change when the kids arrive'.

There are a lot of men who are just selfish.

There are also a lot of men who step up. They realise it's hard. They male the sacrifices they need to. They do their share. They communicate with their partner about how hard it is. They push through the dark days to get to the other side.

My relationship with DH was pushed and tested to it's absolute limits after having DC. There were dark days/months/years. But I can honestly say he has been one to step up as an equal partner and we have worked together through those. We are on the other side of it now and I am glad that we made it through.

Those who are passive in their relationship will very much struggle on the introduction of children. Children are very hard work and you have to try your hardest to tackle it as a team or your relationship will be damaged, sometimes beyond repair.

Basically, you have to be prepared to do the work.

No of course not. At least not in the way you describe. My OH and I bicker and snap at each other some times which we never did before kids. But chronic sleep deprivation does tend to make people irritable! I’m sorry your husband wasn’t a great dad but plenty of men out there are - my other half is a wonderful dad and we share everything equally (except cutting little fingernails which is exclusively a daddy job)

Like PP my husband has stepped up. He is an excellent father. Adores our child. Does his share.

But yes - our relationship has still been challenging after having a child. We often disagree about what is best for ds, we put him first at all times, we do not make enough time for each other. That has definitely changed our relationship.

I can not even imagine how hard it all is when partner doesn’t step up.

No.
I do not think my marriage has been damaged by having children. We've been married 23 years and have 3 kids.

The happy families don't tend to write about it online. There are plenty of us around. Our children have made our family and we are very happy. Without discussion we effortlessly split tasks, both household and child-related. Everything is equal, we both work full-time and earn similar amounts. He is naturally a wonderful dad and enjoys being a parent as much as I do. I think you can generally tell before having children - men with shit personalities are only going to get worse if children arrive on scene. I married a good 'un and am grateful every day.

My marriage has been enhanced by having kids. You don’t get to hear about the good stuff though.

We were discussing this recently as we’re moving and whilst it’s been stressful we haven’t come close to arguing. And we reckon our relationship has been forged by the DC…surviving for years on no sleep and working out how to love each other through that has meant that now that strain has gone we’re much stronger. Lockdown also brought us closer together because we spent more time together, despite the stress it made me realise how very lucky I am and DH feels the same. But I don’t talk about it much here because it comes across as blooming smug (and I also know that things can change tomorrow). But I won’t borrow trouble so I choose not to fret.

No I think it can improve, albeit there are silly squabbles when everyone is tired. I think the father's personal involvement in baby care is key.

DH and I have been together for 25 years and the hardest point in our relationship by far was when we had very young DC.

However, that was years ago (youngest is 13yo) and our relationship is really strong now. Just as good as pre-DC.

So for us, the answer is yes in the short term but no in the long term.

Opposite for us. DH is an amazing dad and does more wraparound care for me as he WFH and I work out of the house. We are happier and closer now than before kids.

As PP said, I wouldn't bother starting a thread on how nice my life is so what we see on munsnet isn't representative.

I wouldn't take what you read on AIBU as a representative view of mothers and fathers in general.
You picked a bad one. There are millions of good father's out there. Just like I'm sure there are lots of bad mother's out there too.
Do children damage relationships? They change them, that's for sure. Having a child together makes me feel closer to my DH than marrying him ever did.

I think people underestimate the sleep deprivation, hormones and the power of resentment in the early days. I HATED my husband for the first 6 months. Because I was breastfeeding and doing all the wake-up’s. So even though I rationally knew he couldn’t help me anyway I still hated him when he was lying there sleeping. I still hate him now when he’s sleeping and I’m not even though I’m the early riser 🤣 generally we are really good though and in love and he is a fantastic father.

We’re just about hanging in there but, very specifically, parenting teens has been tough on our marriage. It was really good up to that point. But lack of privacy and different viewpoints on how to deal with teenage issues have worn us both down.

I agree op.
The facts speak clearly. The majority of children come from a broken home.
In the majority of cases the woman changes to accommodate the changes and the man carries on the same.
The fact some couples stay together is meaningless. I know plenty of older couples, many no longer with us, who had a very long marriage. Unfortunately it doesn’t mean the marriage wasn’t abusive.
I think in the majority of cases the woman makes most sacrifices. The man often still goes for after work drinks, doesn’t take time off when his child is ill, doesn’t take their child to appointments, doesn’t stop their time consuming hobbies etc. The pandemic highlighted this for me. I can’t think of one single female work colleague with young children who didn’t take time off work to sort out their children. Did their husbands take as much time off? No. I know this because they were all angry about it. Women asking to change their working pattern to fit around their children, when talking to them they say their husbands won’t consider doing it.
Of course it won’t apply to everyone but something is making 42% of marriages end in divorce and if your parents are unmarried they are far more likely to split up.

For good relationships it might just depend how you present it, and what age the kids are.

DH is a decent man who desperately wanted children, went PT and does loads with the kids. But having babies was very hard on us, we had no family support and life changed radically, we were both exhausted, we had much less money (both working 4 days a week and having to pay a fortune for childcare) and we didn't have time for us because there was no-one else to look after the children. Of course the relationship suffered because we couldn't work on maintaining it in the same way as prechildren But we had a strong relationship before and viewed the baby stage as being a short time in our overall relationship and the kids got older and easier and WFH means we now can go out for lunch just the two of us regularly. Looking forward to the eldest being old enough to babysit (next year!). Things have changed but having older children has enhanced our lives and I know I'd only have ever wanted to have children with him.

Having children is like being hit by a bus and some relationships die and some recover and go on to be stronger.

Ours is different but definitely better

If your husband is a lazy sex obsessed layabout then yes the relationship will die.

We have a 5 week old son. DH has been incredible. He takes the baby once a week so I can have a full night’s sleep in the spare room. He also does more than his share of night feeds, baby care and housework. He is working full time and I’m on maternity leave but he recognises that I need a break even if I’m not ‘working’.

We are closer than ever because we are a team
and in this together. We have discussed how much harder work having a baby has been than we expected! Our son is amazing, sleeps and feeds well and so far has been placid but the constant work is a shock to the system. I know if we continue to support and be there for one another, having a child will make us stronger than ever 💪🏼

In summary, if the father steps up and does enough, and enjoys being a parent, the relationship should flourish. Conversely, any cracks that were their pre baby will just weaken what was already a vulnerable paring.

Our relationship has got deeper and stronger since having kids