Does having children always damage the parents' relationship?

[whyhere]

It seems to me that women thrive (generally) as mothers, while men struggle (or just ignore their fatherhood) - it also seems that the parents' relationship always suffers. Is this inevitable?

Cards on the table: once I became a mother (one daughter, over thirty years ago) my husband became pretty much impossible to live with, as he wanted his (our?) life to carry on exactly as it had before parenthood. When he had an affair and left it was nothing but a relief. (He had become abusive and coercive, to give some context - which I suspect might not have happened had we remained childless.)

I think I'm pondering all of this because almost all the posts I read on here (admittedly mainly in this section, and AIBU) relate to difficulties between men and women who have children. Would love to hear your thoughts.

It makes life harder but also its rewarding. It's not just kid that can cause strain though. In the past five years we have had a child born with disabilities, nursed two parents through end of life and had a significant house fire. We are ok but it's put a tremendous pressure on us. You never know what your getting in life and generally the older you get the tougher life gets.

@MaxTalk thats interesting and quite sad! Why is that? Do you think a lot of them secretly do like family life but pretend no to amount mates to ‘fit in’. Also wonder if it’s because a lot of men have been socially conditioned, by their parents generation, to be the ‘breadwinner’ leave everything to the women around the house and childcare and struggle with the reality ie in this day and age that just won’t wash? So are a bit confused?

In some ways we are more separate- less time together, less intimacy. But seeing him as a father, has made me love him even more.

In my experience yes, I grew into a mother and ex dh stayed a teenager in a 28 year olds body.
Also looking at my friends, alot are miserable in their marriages and it's due to young children and resentment building up over sharing responsibility.
This view of mine is stopping me ever having children with my new partner.

I don't think many men want a family life at all. It's what "expected" and many play the role well enough but being truly honest with themselves it is not the life they dreamt of.

I work in London and am in a career focused industry - balancing work and home life is incredibly hard for people. Add in little to no time for hobbies, relaxation etc and quite frankly family life is hardly a great place to be.

Then in addition there is the financial pressures which can fall more heavily on men and in this day and age make people crack. I have some very good mates and over 80% have had mental health issues. Largely caused by the need to provide for their family.

You have to remember people don’t make threads or call their friends to talk about good things, look at tripadvisor, its full of bad reviews, we don’t really shout out about good things.

Having our daughter hasn’t damaged our relationship, its changed it as we’re both a bit more tired, we both have a bit less free time. For us it has further improved our relationship, seeing him become a Papa has been genuinely amazing.

"Seeing him become a papa" doesn't say anything about his thoughts/feelings. It's only about you.

This thread is interesting. I previously worked in a very male dominated industry and now I work in something completely the opposite where you barely see a man at all - and thinking about it now, the difference in conversations about the weekend or holidays are striking. In my old job, it would be normal for the men to be moaning that the weekends would be shit because they’re always full of kids stuff, that their holiday was shit, that they’re tired, that “kids have ruined their life” etc. Some of that could be blah to fit in but some of them 100% meant it. I don’t hear this from mothers. Obviously there’s talk of tiredness and being busy but it doesn’t have the same tone if that makes sense. Of course it’s less culturally acceptable for mothers to complain which might have something to do with it, but we are a close team and it’s a safe space.

DH still works in my old career and it’s not changed. Just mentioned this thread to him and he told me that, last week, he mentioned to a colleague that he had taken some carers leave for my hospital appointments and was looking forward to taking DD to her baby class as he never gets to do it and this bloke went “oh god not that shite, don’t bother taking her mate the wife won’t know!” 🤦🏼‍♀️ I wonder if they’re all collectively trying to convince each other it’s terrible or something?! Ugh.

We had our children 20 years ago but it got us closer. My dh is a good interested father. Now looking back he says he wishes he had not worked as hard however our children know they are loved by both parents and spend time with us still.

I have never spoken much of it online as well nothing to speak of as such. I expected him to be a good father and he was/is.

My friend divorced but even then will say her x is a good involved father just they were not a good match. She doesn't blame having kids on their divorce simply they had different values and it didn't become obvious until some years in. They coparrent well and attend parents evenings together. So even when relationships don't work out it can be due to other things bar the kids.

@MaxTalk thats interesting, different areas of the country but in my circle of friends all the women (including myself) have careers in their own right and some are the main breadwinner so no pressure to provide coming from me or the women I know! If the ‘pressure to provide’ is getting to them could they step back and let the wives further their career while they take in more of the childcare? Appreciate this wouldn’t always be an option if they are quite far down the career path, I would always encourage my DD to be financially independent which will hopefully help take this ‘pressure’ off in the future, poor men! Also, by family life do they actually think they’d be happier without their wife and children in their lives or do they just mean all the extra jobs that come with it that gets in the way of free time - sleepless nights, nappy changing, cleaning, kids parties, remembering school stuff? As women do all that stuff too as well as having a career and it’s is hard…but it’s kind of what you sign up for when having kids,…I would definitely say it’s a big decision so if the drudgery is going to put you off be upfront with wives beforehand and don’t have them..

Well as I’m not a mind reader (although that would be handy!), I don’t actually know his thoughts or feelings, thats something he only knows.

Based on real life, I think what you say is true in quite a lot
of cases. Of course not all. Being a parent fundamentally changes your feelings and priorities. You r had quite a lot of answers from those with young children but that’s not necessarily the hardest phase!

Having children stresses the relationship. Both parents have to up their game and be their best selves. Any problems in the relationship which didn’t matter before, will often matter a lot.

From my point of view, the man often tries to carry on the same lifestyle he had before the baby. Funny old thing, this doesn’t work. This is often when the mother starts to feel resentment.

WorryMcGee that’s very telling.
I think there is so much pressure on people to settle down and have children. Anyone who doesn’t do this has to justify themselves. I had a friend who’s second husband didn’t have any children and neither had he been married before. The number of people who insinuated there was something wrong with him was insane. No wonder lots of people just go along with having children.
Dh is my second husband he told me that his ex partner put pressure on him to have children. She already had 2 from another relationship. Luckily for him it never happened and she knew it never would.
I think a lot of men go along with having children some take to it others resent it.