Harassment - just need to unpack this

[RelievedItsOver]

I've name changed for this but my post may be outing.

I met a guy on OLD in August and we dated for about 2 months. In that time I tried to cool things off as there were too many red flags. He fell for me when he first met me. In early october I told him I didnt want to pursue a relationship, it was all too weird.

Since beginning of october I have been continuously harassed via texts of him. I blocked his number but I can see my blocked messages in my blocked folder on my phone.

Day after day, I was constantly bombarded with messages, nay, essays from this guy about how much he loved me, I've hurt him, then he would go into angry mode and tell me to fuck off even though I was NC with him, only for him to be apologetic and playing on massive guilt trips on me. His moods were up and down like fuck, it was pretty scary.

His mum whom he lives with even messaged me on fb (I dont know her) writing paragraphs after paragraph of how much of a great guy he is and she was hoping we could "sort things out".

Long story short, things escalated on wednesday so I called the police. They've talked to me tonight and given him a caution. Any further contact to me will result in his arrest.

Not sure what I'm posting for but for the first time I nearly two months i feel so fucking relieved. He messaged me at 5.30 today but hasn't since and the police called him at 8pm.

I'm so relieved they took my call seriously and treated it as such. I had doubts and thought they would shrug it off but they have been great. I just need to get this off my chest, I've felt so burdened since early october. Its finally over. I will sleep tonight.

Oh OP this sounds horrible and so stressful, after such a positive response from the first force you dealt with! The Suzy Lamplugh Trust can advise on next steps for escalating with the police if you’re not sure what to do.

For those suggesting changing number, the advice is usually to keep the number so that you can see if the behaviour escalates and assess the risk posed. And also, deal with the actual issue, which is the guy messaging and stop victim blaming!

I wonder if this needs escelating with the police as it's clear the warning was ignored.

No it isn't.

She has a deranged man after her who presents a credible threat.
It's entirely sensible to keep an eye on what madness he is sending.

I can see both angles here. You could be forgiven for thinking the power could instantly be removed from him by changing a number and the last OP would have heard from him would be months ago. Although it escelated anyway because he just used different numbers and got his mum to message her. You have to wonder why the police aren't learning anything about stalking really. I wonder if forwarding everything to an MP might embarrass the police enough to act.

Sounds like you need to keep asking the police for updates. The pp suggesting the Suzy Lampugh trust is a good call.

Absolutely scary how just four dates end up like this, with his OWN MOTHER agreeing with him! Keep strong

Oh, he's talked about him being dead in the new year and all sorts. He is on all kinds of meds for MH so I sympathise with that but the stuff he sends is beyond crazy. I dont think him being arrested would help him tbh and I told the police officer that. Police officer said (rightly so)it's not for me decide nor worry about, the consequences are his and his alone.

I'm in bed unwell today. I'll chase this up when I'm better and got the energy to deal with it.

Besides he was cautioned in November by the police and told to delete my number And he said he would do. Since he didn't, I have scores of evidence of him breaking what he said he would do, knowing he could end up arrested as a result. I have 200+ texts from him that I've not responded to at all. Evidence of harassment if ever i need it.

What's to say he wont do this to the next woman he dates?

Given that he has floutred police instructions to delete your number & is continuing his harassment campaign, you may need to obtain a restraining order OP.

You have plenty enough evidence for one. When you are more rested & feel up to it, kick police arse as hard as you need to, to get proper engagement from them. Also -
www.suzylamplugh.org/what-we-do

With the best will in the world OP your latest 2 posts make me wonder how seriously you are taking this yourself? 200 + messages after he was told to delete your number? Telling the police you don't think it will help him being arrested suggests you may not quite understand the gravity of what is happening to you?

Thank you @KettrickenSmiled I will do. I dont feel afraid of him physically. I was more worried at what he might do tbh if that makes sense. But since hes been texting me since beginning of october when I called things off, I've figured the worst he will do is text or pretend to be other people who message me on his behalf.

I'm never online dating again.

I'm not physically scared of him so I think that changes my view somewhat. I think he is a harmless, damaged person who just wants my attention. That sounds weird when I type it out but he was always doing things to get my attention when we dated. Much like a child in a weird way who wants praise I guess. So I dont think he will physically hurt me but he will verbally abuse me in messages before becoming all apologetic and looking for sympathy again. Theres a pattern.

I check for new messages about once a week and theres always more.

To be honest I think he needs a full psychological assessment and then help. I dont think fines or prison or whatever is the answer with him.

Are you familiar with Stockholm Syndrome at all? So far he may not have escalated but you can't guarantee this won't go further. I really think there are other people in a better place to psychoanalyse him than his victim. I think you are being a little too relaxed about this. Do you actually want it to stop? You don't seem in a hurry to bring it to a conclusion.

The police have already answered that one.

sorry but you are fundamentally missing the point - the police are not the NHS. They cannot offer him a psychological assessment, so what is the point of reporting his harassment to the police if you don’t want them to act? They only have tools like “fines or prison” at their disposal.

He doesn’t respect your boundaries and he doesn’t respect the police or the caution he was given as has persisted with 200 unwanted contact attempts. There are no boundaries in place so it’s a contradiction to say he’s harmless and merely needs a psychological assessment. But if that’s genuinely how you feel, perhaps look into contacting his doctor or adult social services to do a welfare check. But ultimately they might not listen to your concerns, especially if the police are not concerned (as you’ve told them you don’t support an arrest so they cannot act on your report).

The police at my end are concerned that's why they took a statement. Granted we had Christmas so I didnt think his constabulary with deal with it as a matter of priority. But it's a month later since i gave my statement and still nothing so I will chase it when I'm back to full strength. Honestly dont have the capacity to deal with this atm, it took up so much of my energy towards the end of last year. I just want it over with but that wont happen til I've got the fight in me to deal with it.

The thing is, these crimes are not extremely high priority for the police unfortunately. So saying you don’t want him arrested just undermines your case - I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a lower priority as a result. You really do need to tell the police you are scared and want it to stop asap. Not that you think he’s harmless and an arrest won’t do any good. They’re the police - they aren’t social workers or mental health professionals. You’re handicapping their support if you don’t support arrest.

Also, did you know you can call 101 and ask to be transferred to his local police force? They connect you to your local by default, but you can press a button to connect to a different force. You can contact the police and chase this up.

Another thought, you can just the website for his police force and ask their live chat for an update. This takes less mental manpower than calling, if it helps

This frightens me. I worry this will end very badly indeed.
My stalker-ex tried to kill me. Please take him more seriously. He is not harmless.

He sounds absolutely deranged and although you say you are not physically scared of him, in your shoes, I would be bloody terrified. I also wonder if it really was his mother who messaged you, or another one of his alter-egos, like the fake girlfriend.

This sounds really frightening. I wish the police would take it seriously. He needs a restraining order at the very least.

I know you don't want to change your number, but I think I would do that.

There should be a Clare's Law type of law for this kind of thing.

I had to laugh though at his "girlfriend" yelling at you because you won't speak to her boyfriend. He's absolutely insane.

I mentioned Clares Law to the police but because I'm not in a relationship with the guy I don't think they will pursue that.

And yep, believe me, being on the recieving end of his "girlfriend's" messages was pretty messed up. Apparently she lives in my home town. How convenient. He didnt know anyone from my home town when I met him. He lives 90 miles away.