Is abuse always intentional?

[HealingbyFeeling]

I'm finding this question really hard to understand. Does anyone have any insight?

I find the whole power and control thing difficult because I don't think it's necessarily a conscious thing? Physical abuse I think it's pretty clear but what about emotional and sexual? It's so confusing.

Try a radical feminist analysis. Intentional no, but rather, systemic. A sexist society teaches men they must be in control, using any methods they can, and that women should accommodate.

It’s often learned behaviour. Modelled by parents in childhood.

I think people can emotionally abuse or control someone without knowing they're being abusive but they do know they're trying to assert power or authority.

It's always intentional but the intention isn't always necessarily to hurt you. The intention is often for the abuser to feel better. The victim is the prop they use to do that, consciously or unconsciously.

But it is never okay and the only thing you can do to help an abuser is to get away from them. Which is also the only way to protect yourself.

My DP's exwife hit, punched, screamed at him regularly for many years. She still claims that it wasn't abuse. Because according to her it didn't fit ?I don't know what criteria.

My ex's best mate is in an abusive marriage that he won't leave. They have a 15 year old son who's been screamed at, sworn at, called a See You Next Tuesday and slapped. By his mother and in Foot Asylum and Costa Coffee. Imagine what goes on behind closed doors.

She's about to inherit a business and millions from a childless aunt and uncle. Her parents are also loaded and pay for the son's school fees. He says this gives her privilege to do what she wants with impunity. He's terrified of losing his son so never challenges anything, appeases her every time but calls her every name under the sun behind her back.

He says if he instigated divorce proceedings she'd get everything including the son. He took on a part time job for childcare reasons whilst she wafted around working in performing arts projects, hippy shops and producing terrible paintings. She even applied for a job in Burma. She's bought Jaguars and Range Rovers and he goes along with it.

I wouldn't be surprised if, like your husband, this guy is being physically assaulted too.

This is something I puzzled over for a long time. My STBXH was abusive…verbal abuse, coercive control. I even asked him to do a communication course and he refused on the grounds that it was aimed at men who were abusive and “that wasn’t him”. I’ve realised that he’s probably a covert narcissist. He grew up in a dysfunctional household. He is misogynistic and has a fundamental lack
of respect for women. I’m not sure if he even realises that how he behaved was abusive (he paints a picture of himself as being loving and self-sacrificing with no insight into his eon behaviour). Ultimately I realised it didn’t matter. The main thing was I knew I was being abused and I got away from him. I am so much happier now.

As a DV advisor, I feel it is not always intentional.

Imagine a skunk weed smoker, going into psychosis. He may not mean to pose risk, but he still does.

There are many niche examples of this. Someone who throws things, not at someone, but the thing bounces and accidentally hits a child.

The important thing is the outcome. Risk is risk. Get to safety.

On top of that, I would still say that much abuse IS intentional. Working out ways that it is not is a bit pointless because the risk is still there.

Of course it isn't always intentional. The narrative sometimes shared on here, that all abusers are sadists who intend it, actually traps many women (and some men) in abusive relationships.

You can look up 'situational abuse' for examples here. It's unfortunately extremely common, far more than the stereotype - one study said over half of couples in counselling. It's often people who are acting out what they were brought up with in terms of e.g. punching walls or screaming insults in an argument, but who in general terms don't have the undercurrent of control in normal life for example financial control, restrictions on relationships etc.

The challenge is that even if someone isn't intentionally trying to control you this way, the fear of their outbursts still has that effect. The potential positive is that it can, in some cases, be worked through. Didn't work with my ex as the damage was done, but relationship counsellors will in some cases work with couples in some situations where there is situational abuse, not least because it's so frequent.

The only correct answer to this question is IT DOESN'T MATTER. Simple as that. Whatever the excuse, whatever the triggers, whatever the childhood trauma... abuse is abuse and no one has to endure it or excuse it.

Please read the book Why Does He Do That? Into the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It will give you such great perspective into how abusive men work.

This.

my ex was the perfect husband and then it started although there were minor red flags nothing really serious before.

in a fit of anger he said ‘do you know how hard it has been to act like a nice partner, it’s really hard work not to slip up’ he then realised what he said

I don't think it's necessarily a conscious thing?

Does he treat everyone the same?

Interesting question.

I think not always intentional.
And I think sometimes done with genuinely good intent. Eg "spare the rod, spoil the child"
And I think often done out of thoughtlessness, selfishness, ignorance, learned behaviour, etc

But, I totally agree with @RandomMusings7
The only correct answer to this question is IT DOESN'T MATTER. Simple as that.

It is an interesting question, and I agree with a pp that it doesn't matter really. You are still the victim of abuse no matter the intention of the person doing it.

To me it is about self-awareness and the ability to take on criticism as well as being able to treat people as separate with their own wants and needs. If you act abusively say because of a stressful environment, and aren't able to reflect on that and change your ways of coping then it doesn't matter if you are intentionally abusive does it? You don't care about the people around you to make the necessary changes so it doesn't happen again. (Obviously some things don't get a second chance to sort out. - I'm more talking about things said due to intense stress).

but I've been nice to you for 2 months now, why are you still leaving me

Yes, I had this too - as well as, "But if I shouldn't do all the things you say, how am I supposed to get you to do what I want?" It was kind of funny, as well as astounding!

I think it runs deeper than conscious thought, because it stems from their beliefs. They believe that they are more important than you. It might not be socially acceptable to admit it, but they think everyone believes it regardless.

I've heard it described this way: how an abuser sees their partner's importance relative to their own is like you might treat a pet. You might love the pet, enjoy its company and so on, but it's still a pet. You don't let it eat food from the table. It has to know its place and you might have to shout or behave in ways you'd rather not, if it misbehaves.

Do they think they're doing something wrong? Often not. They're just doing what they need to to get things back how they "should be."

Actually, it's precisely because it's a belief (and not a series of conscious decisions, say) that the only way to end the abuse is to leave the relationship.

Majority of times I believe it is very deliberate, however there are also instances where a person acts of trauma where they don't 'indend' to hurt others, but that is exactly what ends up happening. So in those cases it's about lack of perception and self awareness.

No it's not always intentional.
But I guess it depends on the situation

Can be both.

Deliberate, planned, proactive, conscious to punish, hurt and control.

Can also be party about poor emotional intelligence, poor impulse control, short fuse and lack of skills to self regulate - ie “anger issues”

However it’s contextual as they rarely have “anger issues” when faced with a couple of brick shit house hard men….

This argument doesn't really work in all cases. We are all different people around different people (you're not the same with your little sister as you are with your grandad and/or with your colleagues) Abuse isn't always deliberate, and can be triggered by feeling emotionally threatened, for example, which might only happen in your relationship with one person (someone close to you like your mum or your spouse)

However, from the recipient's point of view, @RandomMusings7 is right. It doesn't matter. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, analyse yourself, not the abuser. You'll never know for sure why anybody does anything, even if they tell you themselves, so you're wasting your time trying to work it out. There's quite possibly no clear answer anyway, in that we can hurt someone on purpose or accidentally, or we can be any degree of careless, and risk hurting them, and abuse is somewhere along that ill defined spectrum.

Intentional? Yes I’d say so. Consider this most abusers can manage to curtail their urge to abuse if there were in sight of the Police. If it was truly not a choice they wouldn’t be able to resist, even then.

Consider this most abusers can manage to curtail their urge to abuse if there were in sight of the Police

Really not the case. There are lots of forms of abuse that aren't illegal, and can be done in front of others, including authorities. Freezing a person out/silent treatment, covert digs about sensitivities others know nothing of, etc.

It doesn't matter whether it's intentional or not.

That said, abusers, whether they do it deliberately or not, always seem to manage not be be abusive to their colleagues, their bosses, their friends etc.

Does it matter?? What matters is that you're not happy. Tell him to leave, if it's your h who is doing this.