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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is abuse always intentional?

32 replies

HealingbyFeeling · 25/11/2022 22:08

I'm finding this question really hard to understand. Does anyone have any insight?

I find the whole power and control thing difficult because I don't think it's necessarily a conscious thing? Physical abuse I think it's pretty clear but what about emotional and sexual? It's so confusing.

OP posts:
Original poster
HealingbyFeeling · 29/11/2022 18:20

something2say · 26/11/2022 10:33

As a DV advisor, I feel it is not always intentional.

Imagine a skunk weed smoker, going into psychosis. He may not mean to pose risk, but he still does.

There are many niche examples of this. Someone who throws things, not at someone, but the thing bounces and accidentally hits a child.

The important thing is the outcome. Risk is risk. Get to safety.

On top of that, I would still say that much abuse IS intentional. Working out ways that it is not is a bit pointless because the risk is still there.

Thank you.

I think the problem is I have too much empathy. I know he made comments, punched things etc when he's unhappy. Something bad happens which made him feel shame and I knew he would blow up. I knew at the time that was the process but I feel like society views abusers as evil but he wasn't, he was just shit at managing his own stuff without damaging me in the process.

Someone who had psychosis I think would be given empathy because there's a sense that they aren't in control but how does that relate to abuse where supposedly they are?

I feel like I deserve no sympathy because Im not angry at him. If I'm not angry, did I suffer? It's all very difficult to understand but thank you very for replying.

OP posts:
Original poster
HealingbyFeeling · 29/11/2022 18:24

RandomMusings7 · 26/11/2022 10:43

The only correct answer to this question is IT DOESN'T MATTER. Simple as that. Whatever the excuse, whatever the triggers, whatever the childhood trauma... abuse is abuse and no one has to endure it or excuse it.

Please read the book Why Does He Do That? Into the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It will give you such great perspective into how abusive men work.

Thank you I read that book but it didn't really gel with me. Its very much centred on power and control but I don't think that was what was happening. If something upset him and made him feel shame he acted out, it wasn't just at me, even if I wasn't there he would have done the same. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/11/2022 18:31

HelenHywater · 26/11/2022 20:42

It doesn't matter whether it's intentional or not.

That said, abusers, whether they do it deliberately or not, always seem to manage not be be abusive to their colleagues, their bosses, their friends etc.

But that could be said of most of us, in terms of 'Do you show a different side of yourself to your partner than you do to colleagues etc?' It doesn't mean we control ourselves less at home. Emotional closeness can trigger lots of things, and you don't get that anywhere so much as home.

Brightstar29 · 29/11/2022 21:39

Physical abuse definitely. Although both physical and emotional abuse are learned behaviour. There are also some overlaps between emotional abuse and just emotional immaturity, not in all areas but some. An example would be love bombing in early dating which could be a sign of abuse but also can just be emotional immaturity x

Original poster
HealingbyFeeling · 30/11/2022 12:35

Brightstar29 · 29/11/2022 21:39

Physical abuse definitely. Although both physical and emotional abuse are learned behaviour. There are also some overlaps between emotional abuse and just emotional immaturity, not in all areas but some. An example would be love bombing in early dating which could be a sign of abuse but also can just be emotional immaturity x

Would you mind expanding on this? I think this is exactly what I'm struggling with.

OP posts:
Brightstar29 · 30/11/2022 13:37

@HealingbyFeeling its just by my experience, I have been love bombed in early dating where they have said and done all the right things and then all of a sudden done a U turn and come out with “it’s not you it’s me” crap. I think in those cases it wasn’t that they were abusive but just emotionally immature.

Another2022 · 01/12/2022 16:04

My ex is currently alienating me from my daughter. It’s textbook stuff and child abuse. Does she do it intentionally? No, she truly believes she’s doing the right thing.

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