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Original poster

Am I expecting too much?

30 replies

Birthdayquest · 25/11/2022 20:53

Five dates with a guy who I fancy soooo much. He earns quite a bit less than me and has higher outgoings so I haven’t been expecting much on dates. We split everything and do coffee or a cocktail. That’s it. I go to his area as it’s nicer than my neighbourhood.

For his bday, I took him to a nice pub and bought him several rounds of drinks. Last weekend he suggested a nice lunch or gallery for my bday this weekend. Earlier today he asked if we were still meeting tomorrow on my bday. I said yes if he wants to. He replied of course. Then he suggested cooking lunch together at his place. I was excited he was making some effort! Then he asked to cook at my place, but my place isn’t available. Then he suggested a walk around a park we have been to before and coffee in cafe Nero. For my birthday. We only have 2 hours together.

I feel like he’s put no effort in. I’m disappointed and want to call it off now.

Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 25/11/2022 20:55

Yes!

Dacadactyl · 25/11/2022 21:00

I think youre expecting too much. Some years my husband only gets me a card lol.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/11/2022 21:01

Why did he change his mind about cooking at his?

Rooterfruit · 25/11/2022 21:04

He may be having financial trouble and be embarrassed to tell you. If you have great chemistry I wouldn’t give up just yet.

gannett · 25/11/2022 21:07

Sounds more like he's realised he can't afford the original plan (or had an unexpected outgoing) than lack of effort.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 25/11/2022 21:09

You’ve been on 5 dates with him? Yeah I think you’re expecting too much.

Original poster
Birthdayquest · 25/11/2022 21:10

I don't know why he changed his mind about cooking at his place....I think maybe it was a test to see if he could come to my place to cook...but then he quickly suggested a walk and coffee instead.

I don't mind about the money situation - but there are plenty of fun things to do on no money, like a gallery or museum!

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 25/11/2022 21:17

I can see why the plan going from him cooking for you to going to Neros is disappointing.

It might be worth being honest about saying you liked the sound of the original plan much better. Although it sounds like there might be some logistical issues that prevent that from going ahead now even if he knows exactly how you feel.

Explaining how you feel and expressing your needs would be infinitely better than bailing out. Especially as you’ve already invested quite a bit of time on this guy and you’re attracted to him.

Original poster
Birthdayquest · 25/11/2022 21:21

I have a meal in the evening, and said I had the day for him. He could have planned anything - a long hike, a trip to a free museum for the afternoon.

Instead, a local walk in park and cup of coffee. Jesus.

We are starting out. Shouldn't he be courting me??

OP posts:
gannett · 25/11/2022 21:22

Yeah I would ask why he keeps changing his mind, it's reasonable to wonder! Maybe say something about how you don't care if it's a money thing but you liked the sound of a meal at his and aren't up for a coffee at Caffe Nero.

Original poster
Birthdayquest · 25/11/2022 21:23

He's saying things he clearly knows I would like to hear. I already said I would like to cook together before. But I think he wants to do it at my place, rather than his, and my place isn't available.

Regardless, it's minimal effort, even compared to the pub drinks I got him for his bday.

OP posts:
gannett · 25/11/2022 21:23

Birthdayquest · 25/11/2022 21:21

I have a meal in the evening, and said I had the day for him. He could have planned anything - a long hike, a trip to a free museum for the afternoon.

Instead, a local walk in park and cup of coffee. Jesus.

We are starting out. Shouldn't he be courting me??

Well he did plan other things first which is why it doesn't sound like lack of effort. The weird thing is that he keeps changing his mind. We can only speculate here but you certainly would be reasonable to ask why!

Original poster
Birthdayquest · 25/11/2022 21:24

No, he didn't plan - he asked, I said yes, then he said no let's do this instead. What we are doing is the cheapest AND least effort. No secret why.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 25/11/2022 21:32

*Am I expecting too much

Shouldn't he be courting me??*

In my late teens /early twenties, I too used to ask myself these questions. I hated it when people my mother suggested that if I wanted him to court me, I needed to wait for him to do that.

Now I have come to the conclusion that modelling the behaviour you would like to see, eg by standing him rounds of Birthday drinks just doesn't work.

It doesn't spur him on to do nice things in return. He seems to make it mean that he doesn't need to make any effort at all.

It's only by showing him that this isn't ok that you have any chance of improving matters. IME it only works on the next one, starting from scratch.

Pity. But there it is.

Original poster
Birthdayquest · 25/11/2022 21:37

It's not about the money. He could have packed us a cheap picnic and taken me on a new walk somewhere and I'd have been happy! Instead it's the same, boring, local park and a cup of coffee.

OP posts:
ScorpioTwinkle1 · 25/11/2022 22:03

Did he say why he couldn't do it at his? I'd honestly move on. It's the beginning and he should be making an effort. This will set a president for the future.

Original poster
Birthdayquest · 25/11/2022 22:05

ScorpioTwinkle1 No he didn't say. Just within 10mins he suggested a walk and coffee. As I said, I think he was testing to see if he could come to my place to cook...

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 25/11/2022 22:09

I'm with you and would be disappointed with him after what you did for him. But, it's early days, you've not seen his place and he hasn't been to yours.
It's your birthday though, so bearing in mind his finances ( if you are OK to ignore the discrepancy) If a gallery or museum is your preference, suggest that.
Though tbh, if a person can't afford drinks with someone, should they really be dating at that point?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/11/2022 22:09

Splitting every bill is a big no from me/ I like a generous man and would rather take it in turns to pick up the whole bill.

BrewandBiscuit · 25/11/2022 22:09

I think after 5 dates you are asking too much. Saying that, I’m at 10 months with my new partner and he often wines and dimes me or takes me for lunch.

it’s my birthday in a couple of weeks so be interesting to see if he does anything. I don’t expect him too and won’t be disappointed if he doesn’t.

id definitely ask him why his plans changed?

Opentooffers · 25/11/2022 22:12

There's a lack of imagination, depends how he is generally. If you want to do interesting things in life, maybe he's not for you .

WednesdaysChild11 · 25/11/2022 22:18

Birthdayquest · 25/11/2022 21:21

I have a meal in the evening, and said I had the day for him. He could have planned anything - a long hike, a trip to a free museum for the afternoon.

Instead, a local walk in park and cup of coffee. Jesus.

We are starting out. Shouldn't he be courting me??

Yes this would piss me off. I tend to dislike social walks at the best of times. Although I would prefer with a partner as they could have a romantic spin. Otherwise I think they're a bit daft unless I'm walking the dog or want to be alone with my thoughts. Walks with family are nice as well, but not for catching up with a friend. I know he's not a friend, I've digressed lol.

WednesdaysChild11 · 25/11/2022 22:19

A cup of coffee as a birthday treat is a bit ridiculous too! 😂

SwimInTheRain · 25/11/2022 22:46

What you want is perfectly reasonable! My suggestion would be to communicate what you want without drama and accusation, but in a direct way, with a matter of fact tone. If he does not accommodate your request then you can decide if you want to be with a partner who is not willing or able to meet your reasonable wishes.

I'm sure there are some assertive people who will have better wording then this but perhaps try something like, "I've been thinking about the idea of coffee and a walk around the park but I really like to celebrate my birthday with an activity that is different to what I might do on a usual weekend. For my birthday I'd like to be taken to a gallery and then out to lunch, or spend the day together cooking a meal. It's important to me that in a relationship we treat each other on our birthdays, like the way I took you out for lunch on yours. If you are up for this let me know."

Then see how he responds.

candycane10 · 25/11/2022 22:55

I find it strange that the plan was to cook at his, then he asked to change it to yours, then when you said that wasn't an option it had to change to a walk. I would be feeling a bit strange that he wasn't at least giving a reason for not being at his

And sorry, I may have missed the answer. I know you have a meal at night but not sure why that only gives you 2hrs together?