Dating a full time dad

[Zanatdy]

Hi all

has anyone dated a full time dad? Ie has the kids 100%? Have had a couple of dates with a guy I used to work with. We have always had some chemistry but covid put paid to plans to go out on a date, then he had left our dept when we finally went back to the office.

Saw him again recently and he messaged me asking me out for a drink. I really like him, it’s been a long time since I’ve dated anyone (been separated over a decade), I’ve been very anti men and very independent for a long time. I’m afraid to get hurt again, and I know 100% I don’t want to have a man living with my kids as blending families was not a good experience with my ex. New guy is also scared of being hurt (he hasn’t said, I’ve picked up) and hasn’t dated anyone since his ex wife left him and the kids over 5yrs ago. At the moment she barely had any access but this is gradually changing (her choice).

Already have a problem with him getting a babysitter. His kids are primary age, whereas mine are 14 and 2 adults. I don’t see how it could work really if we can’t see much of each other! Definitely wouldn’t want to be meeting any kids anytime soon, I want to get to know him, but it’s proving problematic already.

anyone got any experience of this? Should I just throw in the towel before I get too invested?

Bit like men dating full time mums, if you want the relationship then you need to work around it. I'm sure there are plenty mums who'd be disappointed to think they were being passed by because they had children.

If he's a nice person and you like him then why not see how it goes, you'll just have to remember his kids will come first, just like yours would have.

If you're anti men why even consider it. Just don't lead him on and let him think your offering friendship only to snatch it away.

Is he looking to long term or simply to have a female friend to spend time with.

Well if you like each other and enjoy each other's company why not just go with it. Or you could stay alone and maybe never meet anyone in the perfect situation. I wouldn't feel like it needs to be all or nothing. Nice make company is, well, nice.

I’m definitely not leading him on. I mean I was anti men as I’d been hurt badly by my ex and didn’t want to put myself in that situation again. Over 10yrs has passed by and I think I’m ready to date someone and get into a relationship again. I do really like him, I absolutely agree kids come first, that’s why I’ve been single so long as I wanted my kids to be my priory 100% but they are older now. I’m just wondering how it’s going to work in practice, I guess if he can’t get a babysitter I’d have to go over to his once kids in bed, he’s only 30 mins drive away which isn’t so bad.

Yes agreed. I’m just thinking it’s going to be tricky, and I guess selfishly thinking my kids have grown up now so I don’t need a babysitter. But I guess you can’t help who you fancy and if they have young kids are not. I’ll see how it goes, maybe we can get to know each other via phone / messages etc until we can sort out seeing each other more regularly.

I get it OP. I'm 58 and on my own now and I wouldn't mind meeting someone and having more male company.

But I get it that it all the lack of freedom and faffing with babysitters might not be worth it.

If you value your independence I’d approach with caution. If you get together it’ll be all about the kids (naturally) 100% or the time pretty much.

I think the ‘fun’ bit of first getting together will be much less fun because he will have no ‘days off’ unlike Co-parents so I imagine arranging dates will be difficult.

See how it goes and I’d say move slowly and take your time before getting into a serious relationship with him.

I wish you the best OP 💐

You won't be first in his life until his kids grow up but who knows after that. He is likely responsible (relative to his x wife). And maybe she might step up and you can both spend more time together. Don't rush in but give him a chance at least.

When BF and I got together, he had his children one evening in the week and EOW, whilst I had my two DCs 100%

From my point of view, it was relatively easy to find care for my DC in my absence as I have an excellent support system, but at the same time, felt really guilty about leaving them of an evening, etc.

Recently circumstances have changed, and BF has one of his DC 100%, and the other same pattern as before.

We’re really struggling - priorities have changed, (naturally), our pattern of seeing each other has changed, and at the moment we feel less close generally speaking as time together, alone is very limited. We recently had an eight-week dry spell sexually, too, simply down to circumstances not aligning.

Personally I think if things had been this way when we met, it may not have lasted - but as we’re now three years in and DCs, etc get on so well - it’s hard to know what to do.

I would give it some time, if you really like him, and see how things go. If the amount of contact is likely to stay the same, see how you feel about where you fit into his life and whether you’re happy with that long term.

Exactly how I’m thinking. I knew he had young kids, but until I went out with him I didn’t realise he had 100% residency. Does make it more complicated. I really like him though, so think I’m going to give it some time. It’s more complicated right now as his house is being renovated so he’s staying with family for a few weeks. After that if his kids are in bed and he’s happy for me to go over I could do that. Be nice to go out on some dates but I’ll take that given I’ve got the hots for him and have for a few years! Lol

Do his DC have grandparents who would happy have them so you could meet for a coffee/drinks/dinner? If not, it’s a bit of a non-starter. Don’t get involved with some who you can only see in his home, on his terms. It will be awful.

his parents are quite elderly but they do help out, but up until now largely with after school as he works full time. But he might have other people he can ask, he has just said he’s struggling to find a babysitter and I get that he can’t keep asking people for favours and not fair on the kids either. We could meet during work time for now, we don’t always work in the same time but he sometimes comes to my building or I can meet him up in town. Guess I’m going to have to see how the next few weeks go, we haven’t even had a proper kiss yet! It’s just typical when my kids are older I meet someone I really like who has young kids.

just to add 100% recognise his kids come first and I don’t want them to feel dumped on babysitters either. Their mother is beginning to increase contact so maybe that situation will change soon too

That sounds tough. It’s definitely not easy when children are concerned as of course they must take priority, but it can be a little frustrating when you want to get to know each other more. Guess have to see what happens - good luck with your relationship

I'm a single dad, on the other side of your situation, and it's the hardest circumstances to be dating in. Primarily because it's a numbers game - the vast majority of single men are not full time parents, so there's plenty of choice without even needing to consider someone who's a full time dad. Whereas with the female dating pool, majority of women in the early 30's + age range are single mum's. Most blokes accept that and don't bat an eyelid about it. But most women run a mile at the reality of dating a single dad.

Thankfully, I've been in a relationhip for a couple of years now, so out of the dating game. But it's hard - living together as a blended family isn't a practical option due to us having 6 kids between us. So we only get to spend quality time together once a fortnight, and even then it takes all the planets coming into alignment. Just looked at the calendar and worked out we've only seen each other once in the last two months, 4 times since July. There is no easy solution unfortunately.

Depends if you want a family orientated life or not, you will have to make the most compromises and sacrifices because of the other person's kids in my experience, do you want to go out on family days out or family holidays in the future or living with someone and they're kids if it works out a few years down the line?! There be alot of restrictions as to what you can and can't do because of the kids. These are the things you need to be thinking about now before getting involved

Thanks all.

I like kids. And I wouldn’t be opposed to family days out at all. I guess it’s just how we get from here, a couple of dates in, both very interested in each other to me going on some family days out. I always advise people to wait 6 months minimum before introducing boyfriends etc to the kids. Hopefully he can sort out some childcare, just more complex right now as he’s living with family whilst his house is renovated. Guess once he’s home he could find a babysitter. I believe his parents are quite elderly and already help out quite a bit with after school care. Think he doesn’t want to ask them again so soon, and he’s not dated anyone since his marriage broke up so hasn’t been out much in the evenings. I can wait though, I guess I’ll see where it goes.

Typical my whole life I’ve been surrounded by men who don’t put their kids first, DS’1 father met him once, DS2 and DD’s father has worked overseas for years, enjoying himself with many nights out whilst I do everything at home. That’s why I’ve not dated for many years, only now my kids are old enough to stay home themselves that I can date again.

Thank you for your input, from the other side. I do feel for him being in the position he is, he was left with the kids and his ex wife has barely seen them for years. But that’s one of the things I really like and respect about him too, given the men in my life haven’t always put their children first. It sounds difficult with you not able to see your partner much. But blended families are not always straight forward, so sounds sensible not to live together.

I would be content with a date every couple of weeks I guess. We need to swap numbers I think so we can get to know each other better over messages until we can go out again. At the moment we have been communicating via our work IM system, and you can’t put much on there!

"I would be content with a date every couple of weeks I guess"

Once the novelty of having a "boyfriend " wears of, so will his limited availability.

You're at different life stage, and it it could be years before you can have spontaneous time together.

Is this the only male that has given you attention recently?

You haven't even had a proper kiss? Bit early to be thinking blended families, he probably wants to get to know you first to make sure you're not an axe wielding psycho.

Just try and enjoy some time together and if you do like each other let things happen in gheir time. Lunches, coffee breaks, days out with the kids if you don't mind them (you'll get to see how he is with his children, I suspect you'll find a nice person and loving dad).

I would agree with this, ^^ I have dated women who have kids and it’s part and parcel of who they are and you do have to work with it and remember that the kids will always come 1st, as this man’s kids will

Out of interest, @cheshirebloke - how do you maintain a feeling of closeness with your OH when time together is so limited?

We message each other a lot. Which we were doing from the outset, before we were even a couple. Somehow, I've actually felt closer to my current partner than I have in previous relationships. Although I do wonder how things would transition to being/living together full time, should we ever get to that stage. I do get the impression that dp would be quite happy with the current arrangement for ever, whereas I would like to cohabit once our kids have flown the nest

Just enjoy the dating but be wary of becoming a nanny and skivvy - some single dads expect help with the parenting or outsource it to their partners altogether.

XDP was a 75% dad, with last minute extras too. No family living close to him and he wouldn't use babysitters.

After a year it got very wearing. Last minute cancellations a lot due to his son wanting to stay at dads. XDP didn't want to let his son know he was seeing anyone, so lots of sneaking around. We'd spend time together at the weekend about once every month. Saw him once to twice a fortnight.

So my experience is that dating a (nearly) full time dad is hard, as I didn't want a relationship where I saw my partner so infrequently.

When you say "full time dad" do you mean he doesn't have paid employment?

I think she means he's sole parent. They're talking and meeting via work so it must imply he works for the same company/organisation. So its basically the same issues anyone has dating a single parent with young children.