Affair

[Veggie44]

DH had an affair a year ago with a close work colleague. It ended when I discovered them together. Since then he's continued to work with her although claims they have NC. He works over an hour from home so I have no way of knowing whether this is true. I have asked him to leave and there have been other jobs available albeit not on a permanent contract say an 18 month contract with the opportunity for renewal. He won't even consider applying. He puts the blame back on me saying that I am unreasonable for requesting this. Am I, a year on?

No you are not. This man does not respect your boundaries. The least he should have done is leave his work. You deserve better.

No not at all. I'm in a similar situation and it hurts so much when they can't even make an effort to make it bearable for you to get over.

It's probably still carrying on or he wants the option to be able to if he wants.

The problem is people who cheat and aren't that sorry tend to be able to compartmentalize so I think the fact he works far away there is a chance he could be like that.

Trying not to project but when people are sorry they tend to do anything in there power to show that not blame you for their mistakes.

I agree @Veggie44 with @Wellitjustgetsworse , a man who was truly remorseful and would do anything to build back your trust would have left the job. I’m sorry he doesn’t value you (or women generally at all), I knows he’s made you feel vulnerable and small (been there, done that and have the T-shirt) but once you’re out, that shitty feeling will go, promise!

He had an affair and wont consider not working with his ow.

you do not want him working with his ow.

Having the same conversation over and over isnt going to change anything.

your options are:

1. suck it up
2. leave

You are not being unreasonable requesting this.
If he was truly remorseful he would be doing everything in his power to make you feel secure and happy.

Reconciliation require ZERO contact with the AP. True remorse would mean he wouldn't be able to be anywhere near the AP, knowing how unsafe that would make you feel.

It is entirely unacceptable that he thinks this is ok. And I suspect he's lying about NC.

He has no empathy for you or true understanding of the trauma he has put you through.

Surviving infidelity has a really good 'reconciliation' forum which could help you unpick the difference between guilt/regret and the remorse you need to see and feel.

You discovered them together? And still took him back? Why?!

I agree with previous posters, whilst you certainly aren’t being unreasonable, your husband certainly seems to have zero respect for you.

Your only two options are 1) leave him and gain some self respect 2) accept the fact your husband cares for another woman more than you

How did you discover them together?

Hack it or jack it.

The ONLY way a couple can get over an affair, is in the person who had the affair is truly remorseful and does everything they possibly can to help the other one. That ain't happening here.

He is massively taking the piss. What's your family situation like? Do you have kids, a mortgage together?

Veggie, you’re in a false reconciliation. As stated by other posters, NC with the OW is an absolute requirement of affair recovery. Any reputable relationship counselor would tell your H this in no uncertain terms.

He clearly couldn’t care less about restoring your trust or helping you heal. It’s outrageous that he is calling you unreasonable for requesting a job change after you actually witnessed his infidelity with his colleague OW. Is he also balking at open access to his devices, passwords and statements?

It will be impossible to move forward in recovery because he is not showing true remorse. I couldn’t stay with this cheat who devalued and injured me and then exacerbated my suffering by continuing to work with his affair partner. Your peace of mind rates last in his priorities.

I agree with @Ladybugzrock‘s suggestion to check out the Reconciliation forum on survivinginfidelity.com.

Gee, OP - he must be worth all the disrespect and humiliation…

This is all utterly shitty but I am guessing you have kids and he needs the money, you all do. There is a way to sort this to make it more bearable for you at least until the kids are grown up. If he really wants marriage but has to keep his job for the money get him to write a paragraph that no circumstance can she contact him regards any personal matters via any form of communication. Then if the OW breaks this twice he will have to complain to his work as he is being harassed. Work matters fine. Personal matters no. On ANY platform. Look he is not ideal. Neither are ALL men. This one cheated, the other will annoy you or abuse you or your trust. You don’t and should not tolerate the situation. If he fails to disclose ANY personal contact then that means that he is invested in the OW. If he does disclose it then you have a chance at getting through it. And besides reverse gender roles here. If the relationship is over and the woman makes a declaration request of no contact - in writing dated - and if he made contact he would be seen as a sex pest and dismissed. Everyone has the right not ti be pestered for sex in the workplace. Get my drift? It will show him up for who he really is. Try it.

If he is defensive and won’t write in then I am afraid he is playing you for a fool.

The reason for you requesting is because clearly he and the OW have a problem with boundaries and you need reassurance that boundaries are put in place to prevent them stripping off when no one’s looking.

I get not wanting to leave a permanent job until he's found another permanent job but I also understand why in the circumstances this might not feel good enough for you.

Whether I felt like he was truly remorseful would possibly come down to how much effort he is putting into applying for jobs and looking for permanent ones.

But given his reaction to you I very much doubt he's NC so you have to decide whether you can tolerate that.

Why are you staying? Is it because you love him? Trust him not to fo it again, or is it for the money and lifestyle? I see a lot of folks on here who stay simply because they can’t afford to leave or are scared of being alone,,and that’s no basis for a marriage

I personally could never be intimate again with my husband after discovering him with someone else. That image would be burning in my brain every time he touched me

@Onepatherticloser then I guess you live in the 18th century and premarital intercourse is out of order. We have all had partners before. And because these days we marry for love and not for convenience there is a huge taboo when we discover that as humans we actually don’t feel so in love with our partner when it’s chore after chore, kids, madness, house to look after, work etc. so a lot of us want a spark back. A lot of us. Then one of us goes on to put fantasy into reality and the other is just distraught. How dare they? But meanwhile the non cheating partner may also looked but not acted. But the act itself is unforgivable. He must be madly in love with the OW and according to these forums kicked to the kerb. Just have Frank conversations. Request Frank commitment that is not blurring boundaries. If they can give it to you then you have a chance. If they are arseholes then don’t bother with them.

I agree with Connietucker those are your options.

This

Pick your self respect up off the floor and Leave !

@Jenny3412 I am from the 18th century because I would be traumatized by seeing my husband balls deep in someone else?

maybe some can turn a blind eye to cling on to marriage, I couldn’t

Well…@Onepatherticloser maybe you are without children then. When it comes to actual family one has to consider revenge divorce and happiness of their children. Forgiveness is difficult and you know you are signing yourself up for periods of flashbacks. But seeing your kids thrive is truly worth it. Whatever OP does make sure it is not in an angry period. Calm down, then think. Divorce can bring a new 1000 complications and you have to watch your kids suffer at the hands of evil step mummy. How lovely would that be. The Sundays they come back to you full of confusion feeling unloved unwanted in both your lives. Look you have to set boundaries and wall up. But if it is not a domestic abuse situation then give your clearly shitty in some way man another go and you will soon know if he’s learnt his lesson or if he’s a total waste of time.