Partner doesn't want more children after bad experience with Ex

[Dibs92]

Me and my partner have been together for over 2 years but have been friends for 9 years. I'm 30 and he is 32. He had his first child when he was 19 with an Ex (they were engaged) and another child when he was 27 with a different Ex (they were married). Both have given him bad experiences as the women have manipulated the situation when they broke up. Because of this he is now highly apprehensive about having any more children.

He has always known that I want children and marriage, but it was only 2 years ago when we got together that he told me he didn't want any more but since being with me he had changed his mind.

We both suffer from depression, mine is influenced by the fact that I do not have any children of my own. Due to the medication my partner takes it affects him being able to 'finish'. I decided a year ago that I did not want to take the pill anymore and stopped. I adore his children and we are happy when we are all together but I'm not their mum, never will be and never will try to be, but I will be a parent figure.
I have been in a previous relationship where the man I was with also had a bad experience with the mother of his child and didn't want any more children until they met me... I was with him for 4 years before he finally came clean and said he didn't actually want any more and we broke up.

So where is my head at, at the moment? ...

• On one hand I feel I need to get over the fact I'm never going to have my own children and have started seeking help dealing with this.
• On the other, do I keep waiting and see if my partner comes to terms with his past in order for me and him to move forward.
• And the worst thought of all is, do we break up? I feel if we were to break up then I would seek to have a child myself by donor sperm.

Please help with your thoughts

He’s got 2 kids by 2 women and they both happened to be manipulative witches? I wonder if it’s possible that he’s a terrible father and partner?

and you’ve had this scenario with another man?

honestly, I think you need therapy to understand why you keep choosing dead beats who you aren’t compatible with.

Exactly this.

You’re very young and I think you can do better. I was a single mum at 30 and met my now dh and we’ve been together 15 years now, with one dc together.

Cut your losses and start over.

I would assume that you're not going to have children with this man. Tbh he sounds like he's learned that he's not cut out to be a father and I'd see that as a positive.

Only you can decide that if you are definitely not going to have children, whether this relationship is enough for you.

If not having children is making you depressed, don't spend years with this man waiting for him to change his mind because it's likely he won't.
Walk away and start over while you still have the time.

Both have given him bad experiences as the women have manipulated the situation when they broke up.

Both of them? What a remarkable coincidence.

At 30 you are still young enough to find a decent guy and start your own family. I'm not sure why you're thinking about donor sperm.

Yeah, I think it's unlikely that the mothers of both his children are manipulative and uncooperative, more likely he's just a bit of an arsehole. Guaranteed if you leave him, seek help for your issues and start doing the things YOU want to do and making decisions for your own life instead of floating along in someone else's life you're depression will get a lot better very quickly

This post says everything you need to know OP.

This.
And spend a little time alone before you start a new relationship. Set your bar higher. You do deserve better.

30 is still young, find a man without any children. This one couldn't manage to stay with either woman, so it's highly likely you would end up a single mum even if you did have one with him, see it as a blessing in disguise.

Do you want to be a mum? Cos it’s not going to happen with this one. That’s your main decision and it’s very straight forward.

Beyond that, do you want to be in a relationship of only two years at your age with crap sex? Is that good enough for you?

Two depressed parents with major past unresolved relationship issues doesn’t sound like a recipe for success tbh. But it’s irrelevant as he doesn’t want kids with you.

So what are you going to do?

You are only 30
ample time
and If the fact he doesn’t want kids is making you depressed

viable option is to split , develop some self esteem and find someone who does !?

having kids is huge and if he really doesn’t want
more ….. that’s a whole life lost

id also saying having his kid when he’s so ambivalent is a bad idea
and not really fair to anyone

Like other posters, I am deeply suspicious that he had two terrible exes who were manipulative and unpleasant. But even putting that aside, at the end of the day you are young and want to have children. He does not. This relationship is doomed.

What @HermioneWeasley said. It's your choice whether or not to waste even more years of your life on another bloke who you're fundamentally incompatible with.

Red flags everywhere OP....

I could understand one ''difficult'' ex but two who just happen to be manipulative according to him?

It is more likely that he is the issue here.

if you want kids this is simply not the man for you and I would also question his attitude towards women and relationships in general.

Also if you keep having the same issue with different men (them not really wanting children and wasting your time) I would take a step back and spend time trying to find out why you keep going for men who won't give you what you want and why you put up with it.

As others have already mentioned therapy might be a good thing for you and also to help you with your depression.

@HermioneWeasley have you met women with a reputation for dating awful men? This can happen for men too. I know a man who has full custody of his child because his ex was a psycho.

@Dibs92 I’m not surprised he doesn’t want any more dc if he already has 2 and one is 13. If you want a dc and he doesn’t then the relationship will end. I also think you need to seek therapy for your depression before you start trying for a baby.

If you want children, you need to find a different man, ideally one who doesn’t already have children of his own.

Have you been spending your time trying to prove to your partner that you’re not like his ‘crazy’ exs, and you’d actually be a good and fair mum in the hopes of changing his mind? Has that involved taking on a lot of the parenting of his existing children?

The amount of children being raised by crazy Ex's is massive if Mumsnet is anything to go by.

I would see it as a red flag, how long before you are the crazy ex?

have you met women with a reputation for dating awful men? This can happen for men too. I know a man who has full custody of his child because his ex was a psycho.

well done to him.

However, in my experience, these men with crazy psycho ex wives and girlfriends usually find that the crazy comes out in that the men then just can't ever see their children again. It's weird. Because if I thought my ex was crazy, I'd be moving heaven and earth to keep the children from him.

OP - it's quite common I think, for men's expectations of a break up to be different from a woman. this is NOT an excuse. But it does mean that a lot of men are outraged when they're expected to look after the children, contribute etc if it makes their lives more difficult. The good ones figure out after a while that this is a ridiculous approach. But some just never grow up. Those are often the ones who also then claim their ex is manipulative.

It's great he is recognising that fathering more children would be a terrible and selfish choice.

You need to do better in your thinking. Stay with him and accept no children or move onto a single childless man who does want kids.

No man is worth giving up having kids for.
Its that simple really.

How you do it is up to you. Break up, seek another relationship, donor sperm…. In your place - I’d start preparations for going the sperm donor route, and you bf can decide to stay or leave. Or get on board.

However - and this is important - babies don’t cure depression! You aren’t depressed because you don’t have a child at 30. Please get help before your get pregnant. Depression puts you are risk for PND - and even PN psychosis. And that is not something you want to be dealing with. Not for your baby, not for YOU.

OP, a couple of things:
Thinking about your DP's exes. I wonder whether once their babies were born, they quite naturally redistributed their attention to centre their newborns, and your DP struggled to accept this, as seems to be quite common in new fathers, especially if said new father has a propensity for depression and have enjoyed being the sole focus of their female partner's attention and affection prior to the birth of their DC. This is a common sticking point following the birth of a first child; the new father struggles to be demoted from centre stage and finds ways, subtle or not so subtle, of expressing their objection to the new dynamic. New mothers initially often soldier on and spread themselves thin in order to accommodate the needs of both infant and partner, but eventually find themselves frustrated with their needy or unreasonable partners, and once they decide to put their foot down and call time on the situation, they're suddenly the ones who are 'manipulative' and problematic. Don't take your partner's side of the story at face value.

As for your own depression; you say yourself it is exacerbated by your feelings of worry and anticipated loss of motherhood. The longing for a child can be incredibly intense, and distressing if one has reason to think it might not happen. Could this be the entire source of your depression? Has your legitimate anxiety been pathologised, despite it being a natural response to the situation?
In your situation, I would go with option c; go your own way, find a partner who is on the same page as you, or look into finding a donor.

This. For your sake I hope you don't have kids with him

Beware of the man with "crazy" exs... its generally not the ex that's the problem

For arguments sake, let’s say both men are telling the truth about their Ex’s. Why on earth are you once again in a relationship with a man who’s ’unsure’ about having kids. You are running down your own clock and contributing to your depression by pursuing relationships with men who are at best, ambivalent about kids.

If motherhood is something that is truly important to you, stop sabotaging it!

You’re so young at 30, just dump him and find someone who is mentally stable and wants the same things that you do. This sounds like an extremely miserable situation for the both of you if you do bring a child into this and may make his depression worse.

It puts a lot of pressure on children growing up with depressed parents. I would leave him and work on yourself for a while before getting into another relationship.