Be honest about your ex husbands

[Raveon2000]

Just for those who have divorced or left a LTR with someone who ended up being an arse..... Were there warning signs at the start that in hindsight are clear? Or did the stuff just start years down the line?
For me there were definitely red flags from months in ie bad arguments that we used to have that I thought were healthy and that we were 'passionate' with.
Now would instantly be a deal breaker.
Although it was really after having children that the major problems became apparent and that's when I really began to go off him!
I don't want to make the same mistakes again for my future so I'm asking please share your experiences.

That should read working away from home!

The first warning sign I can think of was when he made me get rid of a disc containing hundreds of digital photos from when I'd been travelling with an ex a few years before I met him. I couldn't just bin it, I had to snap it in half.

The next one was when my parents were visiting and he point-blank refused to eat the chilli I'd made because he'd wanted nachos with it and I'd made rice. He sat and sulked in front of us all for the whole evening.

At the time I wrote these off; what I attributed them to I have no idea now. Probably myself, rather than the fact that he was a controlling and emotionally abusive narcissist. Suffice to say he only got worse and our marriage lasted a measly 2 years.

I'm married again now, to the kindest and most level-headed man in the world. From time to time I still mourn those photos (some time later I made contact with the ex to see if he still had copies; sadly he'd had a hard-drive that they were all on stolen. Since it was pre-social media and clouds they're all just gone forever).

Looking back there were loads of red flags. But honestly I think I was desperate to fall in love, quite insecure and in hindsight, quite naive. He loved bombed me and I felt it was the grande passion of my life. In reality he was from a gritty background - v different from mine. He’d been bought up in care. He was totally charming, but I knew he drank a bit too much and could tell lies.

I thought he was 95% wonderful and that the 5% was the rough that came with the smooth. So many people talk about weathering good and bad in marriage.

We didn’t live together before our wedding and once we did, I quickly realised how much he’d been masking. I don’t think he manipulated on purpose. I believe he really wanted to be that good person, but couldn’t face reality. Once he knew that I knew, my life was hell and our marriage fell apart within months.

I told my father what had been going on and he helped me leave.

When I started to date again, I had my radar up and made a rule that if something felt uncomfortable to share with friend/family or like I was justifying, then it was a sign that it wasn’t to be. I don’t like the expression ‘red flags’ as it implies a failing to see the obvious and in reality it’s more complicated than that. Good luck OP.

There were no red flags until he started his affair and that led to me discovering it and eventually to our divorce after a failed attempt to reconcile.

My ex isn't abusive, or dangerous just selfish with poor impulse control.