Be honest about your ex husbands

[Raveon2000]

Just for those who have divorced or left a LTR with someone who ended up being an arse..... Were there warning signs at the start that in hindsight are clear? Or did the stuff just start years down the line?
For me there were definitely red flags from months in ie bad arguments that we used to have that I thought were healthy and that we were 'passionate' with.
Now would instantly be a deal breaker.
Although it was really after having children that the major problems became apparent and that's when I really began to go off him!
I don't want to make the same mistakes again for my future so I'm asking please share your experiences.

I was 14 when I met him so was really just a child. I stayed with him until I was 35 and he nearly destroyed me.

@NoRedFlagsAtAll I’m so, so sorry that you’ve been through that. The fact is, true psychopaths are rare. Very rare. Despite the phrase “he/she is a psycho” being bandied out quite readily, most of us will never meet a true psychopath. I have, in a professional capacity, dealt with a couple of formally diagnosed psychopaths. And, even knowing their diagnosis, you would not know. A true psychopath learns from a very young age to model and display behaviours and emotions that they simply don’t feel. They imitate to deceive and they are very, very good at it. They learn to “pass” as you quite rightly say, extremely well. They are highly intelligent and I can absolutely believe that you saw no red flags. To say that there are always red flags is simply untrue and yes, puts the onus on the victim to say “you must have missed something”….it comforts people to (wrongly) believe that it could never happen to them. Yes, in many relationships we overlook red flags (god knows I have, to my detriment) but with a true psychopath, there are no red flags, you have no chance to spot anything!! I hope you find peace and happiness in the future xxx

I am so so sorry to hear your account. The stuff of any woman’s worst nightmares. I am so glad that you have realised you are not to blame.

I was very young when ex-H and I got together. I guess you could say he was always quite crap at “adulting” and obsessed with his job. I brushed it under the carpet and made jokes out of it. Then fast forward a few years and we are married with 3 DCs, and his inability/reluctance to carry out the most basic of adult tasks without me holding his hand became ridiculous. I was the default adult who managed every aspect of our lives, did the vast majority of the parenting and me and the DCs always came second fiddle to the job.
In hindsight, those things were apparent at the start, but I was young and blinded by the “first love” blinkers.
He’s not a bad person, and there was very rarely any arguements or anything like that, but the resentment set in for me - I was a robot. Nothing more than a member of staff in my own home who carried the physical and mental burden of the entire family, while practically screaming at the top of my lungs for him to notice how much I was struggling, and was met with a tumbleweed.

No red flags at all for me. I was with my ex for 20 years and we had two children. He was very, very good at hiding who he really was.

Interesting thread. I have stories of red flags being indicators of really quite horrible men, but also, I've spotted red flags with basically everyone I've ever dated, even the ones who are lovely, respectful men who would make fantastic life partners. I reckon we all display red flags from time to time, and the confusing thing is that it's not always indicative of a massive underlying problem, we're just none of us perfect.

I was reading through to see if anyone else had said they had a relationship where they didn't like them at the start because same. I remember very clearly feeling nothing at all for him and yet I spent 9 years of my life with him and I can't think why I did this to myself? There were many instances of abuse all well spaced throughout the relationship but none of them were what made me leave. I still can't work out what I was doing although it's over 10 years later now.

My favourite fantasy is going back in time, now that I'm older & wiser, and wishing I could see signs. I kick myself so much for not having seen him coming.

He was lovely, charming, from a nice family, good friends, good job, great in bed. Definitely a love bomber!

There were small things that were red flags to me - he had debt (but was paying it back) and I wondered why his ex left in the middle of the night.

With hindsight- he targeted me - and all his other ex's - we were all vulnerable in some kind of way.

He was lovely. Until I moved in, away from friends & family. then the shittiness crept in, as he couldn't keep up the facade.

It was a gradual descent in to a hellish life. Had disguised his mental health issues, job losses etc. And of course the affairs.

He is definitely a covert narcissist.

Escaping was very difficult. I gave a statement to the police but there was nothing they could do to charge him. I honestly think it would have been better if he had punched me in the face.

I've had a good chat with a friend who is a psychologist about him, and these types are skilled manipulators.

I've had counselling/therapy but still don't feel I can face another relationship.

He did such a number on me.

But I am so much happier on my own.

Was maybe two months into relationship I went on holiday with friends (had been booked for ages). I said something on phone about how it was so beautiful/relaxing that I wished I could stay forever. He went off on a weird rant, basically saying if I could even imagine that then I must not be serious about him etc. Also he was shit to my friends because he thought they were beneath him. How did it last 10 years?!

Obviously there's no way of knowing what went on before, but the huge gambling debt that was sprung on you while heavily pregnant is a giant red flag.

Red flags, in my understanding, are warning signs we should have spotted early on. Not 15 years+ into a relatinship when already married and heavily pregnant. It's a bit late for "red flags" by then.

Yes I then decided to try to support him through that addiction, as you do in a marriage. No, I wouldn't have stayed with him if that had been a problem he had when we met/ were just dating. My point was that up until then there was no indicator of any problem whatsoever.

Thank you. I have done my best. I have divorced him, changed the children's surnames, bought a new house, given them what stability I can. A great deal of firefighting and still dealing with the fallout on them, but focusing on the future. Thank you for acknowledging what I was saying, that in some cases there really is no way to know, much as people find it comforting to believe that there would be.

I kissed him and he didn't kiss me back on the first date. That was weird. 20yrs later......

I think there are situations where there really aren't flags, as detailed by a few on this thread. But there are many many more situations where they are red flags and you don't notice them. Or worse, you DO notice them but convince yourself, and often are convinced by other people, that they're NOT red flags. I'm much quicker now to take a hard line when I see or hear about red flags.

And I think one of the best things about MN is when women come on here and say things like, "My DP is such a great guy and he loves me so much but sometimes he can be a bit suffocating. His ex cheated on him so he's a bit nervous and obviously I reassure him all the time, but I have to be careful about mentioning male colleagues or friends. Last week he insisted on picking me up from a night out. I had explained I didn't know what time me and the girls would be finished but he insisted. But now he's furious because I was so busy dancing I didn't realise he'd texted to say he was outside and he had to wait 30 minutes. He thinks I was either just being very rude or flirting with some man. I told him that's crazy but he's not talking to me. I spoke to my mum about it and she said that he clearly just loves me and I should appreciate that he doesn't want to risk losing me and that it was a bit inconsiderate of me not to keep an eye on the time when I knew he was making all this effort to fetch me."

Then 500 women jump on telling her that her mother is wrong and that this man is crazy and manipulative and almost every single time, 30 other dodgy red flag behaviours come out.

Can we do ex wives

i ignored the early warnings when she had her first “inappropriate relationship” with a guy from work. I believed her apologies.

in hindsight she was just the kind of person who craved attention from other blokes. It took 3 more before we split up.

@FloydPepper my mum was like this , particularly in 30s through to 50's. Needed to feel other guys fancied her all the time

First husband was a narcissist but I was 16 when we met and I was probably 'groomed' and didn't realise. So many red flags (I could make a fortune in bunting) but one I remember early on, is when he said if I didn't move in with him he'd end the relationship - I was 17 at the time.

My second husband was a selfish arse, we met through a mutual hobby, when we had our dd he didn't stop doing the hobby, but wouldn't support me so I couldn't continue. I should have known then he was a cock. Lots of low level stuff during the 7 years we were together

Thank you so much for this lovely message. Flowers right back at you! It's nice when you find kind people here still, like the old days.

Great comment.
I know what you mean it's hard to know when to say 'we are all human and I'm not perfect either' and to run for your life at times.
Also when there are plenty positives it's hard to call everything off for that 'small' thing.
I'm hoping being 17 years wiser will give me a better chance of being with someone. Also checking in with myself and how it feels.
Massive difference between being 20 years old and 37 with a marriage, children and life experience behind. I hope anyway

It's impossible however to have a whole another disgusting, evil, manipulative personality without it showing somewhere. It always wants to show because it's thoroughly enjoyed.

I am so sorry for what happened to you. And maybe in that case there would have been signs.

But you are wrong about ^^ this. It isn't always the case that it shows. True psychopaths have had a lifetime of practice at hiding it, and are very, very skilful. They wouldn't have got away with so many heinous crimes, if not. And you only ever hear about the less adept ones, who eventually get caught. Many will live their entire lives with nobody ever realising how evil they are. I appreciate, believe me, that it's frightening to accept that: it breaks the myth that somehow if we stay rational and aware and have good boundaries we are in control. With the vast majority of people that will be the case, but with some people it still offers you no protection at all.

Some of three experiences are truly awful and I'm so sorry you have gone through that.
With my ex he spoke down to me alot and even admitted that he knew I wouldn't be going anywhere when I was so fat and unattractive and had small kids and a shared mortgage. I am so happy thinking about this and of how I still left him when he had been so smug thinking I'd never stand a chance.
He also found it appropriate to deal drugs from our family home.
I'm so well rid!!

Goodness, that is appalling. Well done for leaving him. There are many strong women on this thread. Ultimately chewing over the past and what could have been different is counterproductive. Be proud that you escaped and for being independent again. The future is ours for the taking.

Hindsight is 20/20 and all that, so there were things I looked back on and thought “that was definitely a red flag”, but at the time they all seemed like minor relationship issues, the kind of arguments that lots of couples have.

Mostly it was his selfishness, which I originally saw as confidence, but over time it became clear that he prioritised himself over everything, and guys like that can justify anything they want to themselves- up to and including cheating. And because HE couldn’t possibly be the bad guy, everything was obviously MY fault.

I was very naive and now, thanks to MN I can see it had flags all over it.
I finally left when the violence got so bad I was sure he would kill me the next time.
This is over twenty years ago and I'm now married to a man who actually loves me.
I have often read threads on here and suddenly thought "oh, he used to do that".
Well done to everyone for getting out and living a better life

Someone else has said trust your gut and instincts and I'd agree with that, also that if you see any patterns in behaviour that causes issue or bigness you, it won't change if there is already a pattern.

My exh lied from the outset, small things, big things, to get himself out of trouble, even for no reason what so ever. He was never the problem, in nothing in his life, someone else was always the issue or in the wrong. He was lazy when it came to things what would actually be a support or help. He often made big gestures that would be lovely at the time but they were rarely done without expecting a huge amount of gratitude. He never showed any respect (still doesn't) for my time and constantly then and now still crosses my boundaries.

I think the only defense against a lot of red flags comes with age and experience which basically means until you've experienced it you might be vulnerable to it unless it's outstandingly obvious, which it usually isn't.

There were signs with my ex-husband but if course I ignored them because of my upbringing and a lack of understanding. My ex had a serious fear of intimacy. He was dismissive avoidant and would do anything to avoid spending anything but the minimum amount of time with me or our daughter. He didn't do emotion or empathy and would regularly throw me under the bus to avoid conflict with my shitty family. Workaholic, sportsaholic, controlled me by controlling the finances. Utterly selfish man.

Biggest indicator when I met him was his previous relationship worked opposite shifts. One did days, the other nights which would have suited him to the ground, having someone at home to take care of him but not to have much interaction. He was upset when she went off with someone else! Of course he persuaded me he was the victim.

He was very involved with sport on the weekend (and bank holidays) and the rule he set was he had been doing it since he was a teenager and it would have been unfair for me to change it. Fair enough. Then his job took off and he began working from home especially after we had our daughter.

I had dismissive avoidant parents so was used to being ignored and expected to be totally independent, not to expect support. What I didn't realize was my ex was the same.

As the marriage went on things got worse. I had this fantasy that the sport would tail off especially when we had a family. One sport was replaced by another, he was away a lot and I suspect going on holiday without telling me. Basically a single man with the benefits of a wife doing everything at home, alone.

Several years of therapy later I see how weird and dysfunctional this relationship was. Never again.