Do I get in touch with DH’s estranged father?

[backyardbackfire]

My DH is one of 5 siblings. He has been NC with his father since he was 13. His other siblings slowly followed suit during their teenage years until only his youngest sister is still in contact with their father.

When I say no contact I mean NONE for 15 years. His father has on occasion sent emails or Christmas/birthday cards with various self-pitying messages, but my DH never responds. He is very relaxed about the whole thing now, as much as anyone can be. I truly believe he’ll never be in contact with him again.

Anyway, we’ve recently gone through a big, happy milestone event and my husband’s father has found out, either from his Grandparents passing on information (my DH and his siblings still see his paternal grandparents) or through DH’s little sister’s social media or her letting something slip. He’s now been in touch again in his usual way. This time I am absolutely filled with rage about it, and almost can’t stand to just throw away the card and forget about it. I am so, so desperate to contact him (I think I could if I tried) and tell him to f* off and never try and speak to us ever again, and never, ever intrude on my family’s life ever again. I hate that just occasionally - always at the happiest times - we’ll get a card or an email from a man who has never met me and never will, who doesn’t know my husband and hasn’t for years.

I know it’s not a good idea but I can’t talk to DH about this because he’s worked through any anger and I don’t like bringing mine about something that isn’t much to do with me to him. I just feel so mad on his behalf.

Of course you don't. Your dh has it right. No reason for you to get involved with someone you've never met and is nothing to you.

I agree with Catherine. This is not your battle so I would stay well out of it. Family dynamics can be weird and interfering can backfire. Take your cue from your DH and back off

I know it’s not a good idea but I can’t talk to DH about this because he’s worked through any anger and I don’t like bringing mine about something that isn’t much to do with me to him.

Here is your answer OP, stay out of it, absolutely not your place.

I know I can’t, and I know I won’t. There’s not even anything to back off from, there’s no relationship there at all. I think tonight I’m just sat here so mad that this man can intrude on us in any way. DH is remarkable to not let it bother him, he really is.

What exactly has he said? Why are you so mad if it doesn't bother DH and you've never met him?

If he's being nasty and the card was to you. Report him for harassment. It will deter him in future

So you've already decided so not sure what you're asking us to comment on. Dh has been NC since childhood and is happy with his decision so I can't see why you can't control your anger over something that has nothing to do with you, that you've never been a part of and DH has made his peace with. He can only intrude if you let him and there's absolutely no reason why you can't just discard whstever message it is and forget it. If it's mot affecting your DH's life, I'm not sure why you're making such a drama about it.

He congratulated us (me, a woman he has never met! For some reason that makes me feel so violated!) and wrote a long message about how he thinks about my husband etc. It makes my skin crawl how he talks as though it’s been a few months of NC, not years, and with no reference to any of the things he did to cause the NC.

It’s not harassment, it just makes me so sad. He isn’t brave enough/wouldn’t be able to bothered to ever visit or anything so I’m not worried.

Even typing it all out has made me feel calmer, thank you.

What you’ve said is right, but really it stems from how sad and angry I am that my wonderful husband and his siblings had to go through everything that he put them through. My DH is okay now but he had to work hard at it, and I still see effects of his childhood on him and his siblings are still working through. So I guess this just brings up for me a protective feeling for the man I love. It’s hard to know what he’s gone through.

OP are you just gagging to tell us all exactly what he did to your DH and family? I think that's what this is all leading up, the little drip feed. Keep your husband's private life private, throw away the message and carry on being the happy, supportive family unit you obviously are. No need to air all his secrets on here. If this needs discussing with anyone, it's your DH and/or telling his father to refrain from contacting you again. It's a simple solution, when you think about it.

@FFSLTB sorfy, not my intention at all although reading back on the messages I can see it reads like that. I was just posting in the bath trying to calm down because I couldn’t say it to my husband, obviously. I needed to vent. Sorry if it seems like a drip feed. I feel better just from writing it out so I’ll stop responding now.

I don't think it's 'obvious' that you can't discuss it with your DH. If it's making you so angry and upset that you have to calm down and talk about it with strangers, surely it's something that should be discussed between you and both of you, as a strong family unit, somehow make it clear that any kind of contact or communication from his father is not welcome. If not, he's going to persist, maybe going on to contact DC one day. Deal with it now, as a family, instead of waiting for next missive to arrive, only for you to get so worked up about it again and have to keep secrets from your DH, will only succeed in driving a wedge between you should he ever find out you were keeping things from him

I dont get it. You don't know him, have never met him, your DH is fine and calm about it all, and you're incandescently furious that this man has congratulated you both on something?

A card to "us...", you've managed to make all about you. Would it have been better if he'd deliberately ignored your existence when clearly you're both part of this good news?

I find it all a bit bizzare, and yes, you need to calm down. This is an absolute nothing in the scheme of things.

@FFSLTB You have possibly hit on something. The only reason he has our address/my husband’s email is because his grandparents passed on the details. After this I asked DH if he still wanted to see his grandparents and give them information knowing it gets passed on to their son even though they know we don’t want it to, and he does. I can’t ask him to cut them off although I don’t see them hardly at all. That’s the only aspect that’s complex. We do discuss it, I just don’t want to rant at DH about his father because it’s not helpful for either of us.

I think you need to take a step back and a deep breath and honestly, stop making it about you. That sounds really harsh but it’s your husbands father, your husbands history and your husbands trauma, and so it should be for him to deal with as he sees fit, not you.
I have been absolutely zero contact with my own father since I was 13, and I also am now married with DC of my own, so I understand, from your husbands pov.

Yes. He shouldn’t have sent a card at all. Would you not find it odd though to get a card talking to you as if someone knows you from someone you’ve never met? I find it bizarre.

OP isn't keeping secrets from him. He's seen all the emails and cards that his father has sent.

It doesn’t sound harsh, it’s true! It’s the attitude I always take. I never really talk about my feelings about it all for that reason, it’s not to do with me really. It just bubbled over tonight. My husband doesn’t really know I’m upset right now and he won’t so I’m not inserting myself into the situation except in my own head. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this yourself.

I've not met some of my Australian relatives partners. But i still acknowledge them.

This was sent to you DH. His father is his issue, yet he's coping with this admirably and not letting it bother him. So why can you not do the same when he's nothing to you anyway?

@saraclara it was addressed to us both, he spoke to us both in the card. And as it’s my DH, it is a little to do with me.

Also I don’t think your Australian relatives is a like for like comparison.

@saraclara it doesn't need explaining to me, I can read. OP has repeatedly said she can't talk to DH about it so I'm suggesting she doesn't have to keep it all pent up and should deal with it as a couple. If its going to happen repeatedly and she's repeatedly going yo get angry, it needs dealing with. But as I suggested before, OP is obviously doing a drip feed and has only just commented that she has discussed it with DH and he's happy for father to receive information about them, therefore I'm now guessing they've discussed what to do about receiving communication from him. None of which she's said before

I see, that’s fair enough, and venting on here is certainly the better option if the other is to vent to your husband about this particular situation, imo anyway. Thank you, it’s a long time passed now and I made my peace with it long ago.
My husband, unfortunately, has been in close proximity with my father a few times in recent months. Every time my father has attempted to speak with him, name dropped our DC (DC he has never and will never meet!), mentioned details about our life generally that he can only know through third parties and I rather suspect my husband felt or feels the same as you. The reality is though that he simply blanks my father, acts as though he isn’t even there, and honestly I appreciate that so much. He is solid and loyal and I know will always have my back, and the fact he handles it that way knowing that is how I would handle it myself means a lot. It is a difficult position at times for a spouse, but solidarity is key, I think.

Nope, you bin the card and forget about it. I’m NC with my mum. Dh supports me. I’d be pretty pissed if he inserted himself in the situation. Let sleeping dogs lie and hope he buggers off again.

This was what I was responding to:

If not, he's going to persist, maybe going on to contact DC one day.

He already has,many times, by card and by email. So I assumed that you thought that it was OP who was getting these messages and keeping them from him.

In a very similar situation with my MIL, been NC for quite a long time now and it still frustrates me every time she tries to get in touch especially during situations like yours.

Just keep out of it. This is nothing to do with you, and your husband is content as things are.