Do I get in touch with DH’s estranged father?

[backyardbackfire]

My DH is one of 5 siblings. He has been NC with his father since he was 13. His other siblings slowly followed suit during their teenage years until only his youngest sister is still in contact with their father.

When I say no contact I mean NONE for 15 years. His father has on occasion sent emails or Christmas/birthday cards with various self-pitying messages, but my DH never responds. He is very relaxed about the whole thing now, as much as anyone can be. I truly believe he’ll never be in contact with him again.

Anyway, we’ve recently gone through a big, happy milestone event and my husband’s father has found out, either from his Grandparents passing on information (my DH and his siblings still see his paternal grandparents) or through DH’s little sister’s social media or her letting something slip. He’s now been in touch again in his usual way. This time I am absolutely filled with rage about it, and almost can’t stand to just throw away the card and forget about it. I am so, so desperate to contact him (I think I could if I tried) and tell him to f* off and never try and speak to us ever again, and never, ever intrude on my family’s life ever again. I hate that just occasionally - always at the happiest times - we’ll get a card or an email from a man who has never met me and never will, who doesn’t know my husband and hasn’t for years.

I know it’s not a good idea but I can’t talk to DH about this because he’s worked through any anger and I don’t like bringing mine about something that isn’t much to do with me to him. I just feel so mad on his behalf.

@saraclara no, I meant OP's FIL may start sending unwanted messages to OP's own children or grandchildren if hes not asked to stop all communication. If she gets this upset over herself and OP getting them, it might make her even worse if he sends unsolicited mail to other members of her family too. All very confusing, I know. Apologies if it's become too mixed up to understand.

You could both ask all your family not to pass information on - but information is just that

he could write at any time for any reason he doesn’t need permission

if your husband wanted to - you could contact the police and say it is harassment

but I would send a solicitor letter just saying you want no contact under any circumstances for any reason - if he doesn’t

but how often is the communication? Once a year? In that case you could choose to bin it

there are options

reconciliation seems unlikely but if you want no contact a solicitor letter and report to the police every time after would appear to be the way to go

I’m in a not dissimilar position to your DH. I’d be fucking livid if my DH did what you’re proposing.

You're the one who sounds crazy tbh. Why would your contact him. You don't know him and just need to leave it.

If I was your DH..I'd be very annoyed with his grandparents passing on contact details though. They have no right to do that.

Their son has 5 kids who don't speak to him...enough said.

I had this with my Mother - four siblings, two of us no contact.

The other two siblings were persistently sloppy in keeping our information to themselves.

In the end we moved house and my siblings fell out with me when I wouldn't pass on our new address.

I always got dh to deal with the cards. He would read them (sometimes I'd ask for a summary sentence) then destroy them.

Now thankfully I am safe from her.

I know my dh feels very angry towards her but doesn't talk to me about it, so I really understand op.

Even by telling him to fuck off, you'd be giving him oxygen. Which for someone who won't stop contacting you is not a good thing to do. He will know that he's succeeded in riling you.

Ignore advice about solicitors etc. The man is looking for a reaction, DO NOT GIVE HIM ONE.

Bin/delete any cards or communications without having read them.

If you value your relationship with your DH do not go against his wishes on this. If the repeated attempts to make contact by FIL are upsetting you so much perhaps a session or two with a therapist might give you the tools to deal with this.

He is fishing for a reaction to force a break to NC. Do not respond to him in any way. Ever.

The only way to treat such relatives is to ignore them. They are irrelevant. Don't contact them, don't waste head space on them. Your dh is right. A card from his father is just so much junk mail. Recycle & forget.

@backyardbackfire

I think he desperate to get to his son as he won't talk to him

Especially of you DH has been NC for years. I don't know in and outs of why they have not relationship but life is too short.

If the card was for you yes I totally get maybe he used it to congratulate you to get to him.

The man is getting old and would your DH feel bad he didn't try to have a relationship with him if anything happened to him.

Obviously of he was abusive or just abandoned totalling get the anger.

Just try not to let it get to you as your DH seems to be fine about it.

@backyardbackfire as you’ve already found it useful to write some of the anger out, I’d suggest getting a pen and paper and letting rip with everything that you’d want to say to him, then either shred or burn it, most definitely do not send it. You could also type it all out in a word document then delete it, but actually seeing the physical destruction of the words and the feelings associated with them just feels a bit more cathartic to me

I can't really understand why you are getting so worked up about this. Just bin the cards and get on with your life. If your DH isn't bothered by it then it is not up to you to contact his father. Just don't give it any head space - be more like your DH.

I agree that he wants a response, so don't give it. The only thing I might consider is 'return to sender' on letters, but that only works if it has his address on the back. / and /or maybe change email address.

I know how easy it is to get swept up in anger on behalf of someone you love. You are in a frustrating position.

You need to stop making this about you.

I get it, it's invalidating because he is presenting himself as of everything is fine and nothing bad happened and by extension your dh is the unreasonable one. Your dh is at peace with his position, he just sees it as his dad doing the whole 'hey I'm a great guy' act. Normal people would know that such a long estrangement requires an up front request to talk about it. Not going through the motions to make it look like he's just a great dad. Follow your husband's lead and give it as little mental space as is possible.

Not a particularly helpful insight given that this thread is 6 months old!

Honestly OP, as someone in similar shoes to you DH, I wouldn’t appreciate you making contact with his father. In fact, it would be a relationship deal breaker for me. He has likely had to work hard to maintain a no contact boundary with this man, you would be doing right by your DH to support him in that. You’ve indicated that your DH has reason to maintain this too, due to childhood trauma, to start contacting his father would be incredibly invalidating to your DH efforts and experiences.

If you just want to rant about the effects having a toxic family member causes, absolutely go ahead, but whatever you do, don’t compromise your DH boundaries in the process. Having toxic in-laws can be difficult and overwhelming, especially when you see the effects of their previous behaviour played out in your day to day life and they seemingly don’t receive any consequences for it. I have every sympathy for your situation, but please do not contact this man.

Having a rant here was the right thing to do.

Do not contact the man. Not even to give him a piece of your mind.

My DH was similar to you when my father did similar. I’d processed it all years previously and wasn’t bothered. It was new to him, he was still getting his head round the fact that someone could be as evil as my father was, and then he was incandescent with rage that my father thought he had the right to send something to our home - to my safe place - knowing that I didn’t want contact.

Rant here. But never get in touch. It only encourages them. They get a legit excuse to contact again to apologise. Then again to check the apology arrived…

Silence is the only way.

Stop reading them.

NO !!!
stay well out of it
its a major breach of boundaries

please sit in yiur hands

It sounds like you understand that it’s your reaction that you need to sort.

The best thing for you would be to not even read or in fact open his letters in the first place. They upset you anew each and every time they arrive.Can you recognise his writing/postmark? If so Return to Sender, or straight in the bin unopened.

Or reframe it entirely, this man has treated your DH badly, you obviously love your husband and feel the anger on his behalf. Imagine instead the disappointment his father will be feeling on never getting an answer or response from his son. If that doesn’t help visualise your anger a a physical force you are sending through the ether to his father as some kind of karma justice.