50+ I can't get to a decision

[Mirandaesque]

I know sometimes when you don't know what to do it's ok to do nothing but I could still be doing nothing in a year, 2 years, 5 years 😤
Mid fifties, married 24 years, 2 adult children still at home. We get on but we don't do much together, no intimacy for few years, very little affection. And although I really crave the intimacy I don't think I want it with him anymore, it's been too long - and yes I've tried every approach to get that back. We don't communicate, I could never find emotional support in him - few emotional health difficulties cause low moods. But he's a great dad, he can be great company and funny to be around but I just don't think it's enough going forward as it's just us.
But I break a family, cause huge upheaval and emotional distress for everyone based on selfish reasons?
My self esteem and confidence is rock bottom, I can't imagine what my life or my family's would look like and that I could attract a decent bloke or consider sex after nothing for so long. I'm peri m and experiencing huge sex surge with nowhere to channel it, which doesnt help. Been feeling like this for about 5 years. I can't say I'm desperately unhappy, but I'm not happy and looking forward or excited about the future either.
I'm having counselling help me get to a decision and manage the guilt - cos really he's done nothing wrong, he's a decent bloke. He won't have any conversation though and just shuts it down or behaves like a reprimanded child. So this is mine to sort or not and do nothing
I just can't get to a decision. Anyone feeling similar ?

Life is too short to be 'desperately unhappy'. And you have been that for 5 years. Change is hard but is really the only way you can find happiness again. If he won't change then you will have to force it. Glad you are having counselling. Best of luck.

There is no guarantee you will find a decent bloke that you have fulfilling sex and intimacy with. Just look at all the OLD threads on here. It's dire out there.
I would suggest an open relationship to him. He might be pleased with the suggestion if he has any sexual drive left.

I think men approaching 60 become miserable old sods. I know my husband of 27 is, no interest in anything outside of the house, and also no sex, which was rarely before. But leaving is not an option due to money. Must be loads in this position. I just focus on my adult children now, who have special needs.

Yes I was in exactly in this situation - 30 year marriage with no sex for over half that period of time. Two teenage children and when the menopause hit, my sex drive suddenly went through the roof.... There was no chance at all of re-kindling a sex life with my husband, so we discussed and agreed we would have an open relationship and I found someone else.

However, it all crumbled pretty quickly, and I separated from my husband - the children are now at Uni so it was just us two and I thought it was the right time to make the move.

My word of warning is that I'm now wondering whether I have made a huge mistake. The sex and relationship with the person I found is still amazing - but he's not my husband. Our 30 years counts for so much and I am missing him so much, I have been completely taken aback by the amount of pain I'm in (as he is too) and we are now considering getting back together.

I will have to sacrifice a physical love life, but my hormones are now calming down thanks to HRT and I think (but haven't quite made up my mind) that getting back with my husband is what I want and need more than anything else.

So, I have no good advice really, as I seem to have completely messed up mine and two other people's lives - but I fully sympathise with your dilemma. I wouldn't have believed anyone who would have told me a few years ago that my body and mind would so desperately need a physical relationship - the menopause is a crazy, powerful thing - and I massively regret all the boats I have rocked to get here.

50 plus.

No chance, you would be a fool to end everthing in search of a dream.

Be honest has your head been turned, because people don't walk away from lengthy marriages just on the off chance of finding another soul mate.

Are you on glue? I did exactly the above at 45 and while it's not been an easy path, if I was made to see my days out with the emotional iceberg I married I'd throw myself off our local big bridge.

You only get one life OP, I regret not going sooner!

Yes, I’m the same. He’s not a bad bloke, but I can’t spend the rest of my life with him.
I thought about trying HRT, but hormones won’t stop him drinking a bottle of wine a night or telling lies. It’s not me, it’s him.

She regards her husband as a good partner.

Being 45 is a world away from mid fifties.

I didn't say I regard him as a good partner. Lack of affection intimacy no communication, no emotional support.
And no I haven't had my head turned.
The effect of all this is crippling me and I'm a bit lost. Yea I'm aware of hormones playing a part and situation as you reevaluate your life post children. As my friends are looking forward to retirement plans I'm dreading it. And im lonely And yeah throwing away 24 years of marriage is not easy which is why im trying to give it time and thought and getting counselling
I know im almost at the decision , just scared to move forward
But thanks for the positive comments
and to the lovely poster letting me know 45 is far different to mid fifties 🙄

I'm sorry but 45 is different from being mid 50's menopausal or post menopausal, age brings with it problems of health going towards 60, for some it may not.

I don't mean to be harsh but I am a realist, if you say he is neglectful then maybe you would be better on your own, but if you are wishing to find everthing in a new partner at your age I wouldn't be too hopeful.
As a pp said it's a harsh world out there, if you have the cash to be able to make some mistakes that's ok but remember it's very hard turning the clock back when it comes to disrespecting people and emotions.

Sex, nah not that important, family, security, loyalty and feeling safe yes.

Why would the 45 age comment bother you ?, it's a fact, if you find that comment hurtful or insulting then you are not as strong as you think.

My own experience is that I'm nearly 50, also got the perimenipausal horn, I'm (kinda 🤪) single - and - I'm having the time of my life. Love online dating, there's loads of men out there, even if it's only for sex. I have friends, hobbies and sex when I want it. Having experienced what I have experienced, I would never stay in a relationship like yours.

Wow
Didn't say age bothered me, of course I'm aware it's different .

And consider myself very bloody strong!
Do you not think I'm struggling with the decision because of the impact on family.
I value everything you mentioned. But sex isn't just sex - a physical act - for me. You lose the connection you lose the confidence and self esteem dives when someone you love and want in every sense is not at all interested.

If your main motivation is to find a new relationship, in all honesty, it depends on what you're like at mid 50s.
If you're fit, attractive, energetic ( or think you have the potential to be) with a good network of friends, options for a social life, some independence, a job, you will fare a lot better than a mid 50s woman without these things.
But its still a huge gamble, as great men are a bit like hens teeth. So don't weigh up staying against leaving for some theoretical better relationship, weigh up staying against leaving to be alone.

Is being 45 really that different to being mid 50s?

Some people see sex as boring or unimportant. That’s their reality but it doesn’t mean it is The Truth. Besides, it’s not just sex you want is it? You lack emotional connection and intimacy and deeper communication. Yes you have grown up children together and a certain amount of time in each others lives but longevity doesn’t mean quality. How many people plod along in marriages for decades when they are unhappy? You have decades left of life, all being well, so my view is rather than take the negative concept of ‘throwing it all away’, it can be more helpful to loo at it that you are now in a new phase of life, transitioning and evolving to something else. How do you want to look back on your time in twenty years? Same old or worse as retirement comes into play, or knowing well you chose to at least try to explore a different and better life in terms of sex, emotional connection and intimacy?

You can stay safe and always wonder or take a risk and see what happens. Your children are now adults and surely old enough to understand that you must also live for yourself. Your husband doesn’t sound happy either so it could be a fresh phase for him too if he is willing to acknowledge your marriage has more than run its course.

Oh btw it’s not always easy to find a relationship but please don’t listen to people discussing your age. I’m in my forties now and i’ve had people telling me on and off since my late twenties oh you are too old. It’s bollocks. Love comes at all ages and plenty of people meet someone new into their fifties and beyond - I know of several people on happy second marriages or LTR in that age bracket.

Also don’t listen to the ones who say men always want younger because you’ll get that too - oh men want women decades younger. Not in my experience or people I know! I’ve never dated a younger man, they’ve always been older and yep my partner now is almost 50.

I ended a similar marriage for all the reasons you mention. It’s not just about sex, it’s the loneliness, the rejection is absolutely crushing at times and my happiness matters. It’s been difficult and I’ve really questioned myself but ultimately nothing was going to change and the thought of potentially another 30 years filled me with dread.

Ending it has been hard but I’m happier even if I never have another relationship I’m steering my own ship, and that’s not nothing.

It's tricky in a long relationship intimacy-wise. Men are most virile when younger, whereas women can get a surge in the urge around menopause years - and yea, I know it can nosedive around then for some women too.
We are how we are, and the surge is always going to make you realise what's missing all the more rather than be happy coasting. That's what the surge does. However, underlying that is personality and emotional needs and compatibility. I love hugs, touching and togetherness, I'd need that still even if my libido did ever go, that's all part of who I am, I'd feel empty and detached without it, therefore, I couldn't live a life that you have, without intimacy of any kind. But that's me, not you, and you are very different to myself - I'd be addressing the elephant after a couple of months without affection, its something I can't ignore.
So yea, it's your choice how important or not it is. I'm sure you've been weighing up the pros and cons a lot, and will continue to do so. The longer you ruminate over it, the tougher it is, so hopefully at some point you will be able to make peace with the situation or change it. It's for you to work on, counselling may help you find your way better than forum opinion.

Urgh sorry that was not clear - I mean, i’ve always dated older but not by a lot. As in, in similar age brackets to me. So say at 30, someone 34 etc. Current boyfriend is a similar age gap. And I’ve never encountered men who want to date me but they are like decades older. Or known any men who have done that. Most in my experience like to be with women of a similar age.

OP, you say he's done nothing wrong, he's a decent bloke but he won't have any conversation though and just shuts it down

He isn't helping, is he? I'm sure he is a decent bloke, but that's not enough when you need to communicate and he refuses to even try. Your life sounds quite bleak.

I couldn't bear to live with someone without intimacy or affection. It's not just about sex. It's a whole feeling of loving and being loved, closeness, warmth, sharing, being interested in each other, enjoying the time you spend together.

DH and I met in our forties after some difficult times. We're always hugging, holding hands, doing things to please each other. We never take it for granted because we know what loneliness is -- and the worst loneliness is when you're living with someone who is wrong for you.

Yep, similar situation, except a bit younger with younger children.

Someone posted about whether you would be happier on your own and I think this is the crux of it really as you can't depend on a new romantic relationship happening.

My dc are the glue that binds but I have considered that 55 would be a good age to make a move, should I wish to do this (even then I will have teenagers). This of course means potentially facing retirement alone.

It is crushing existing in a marriage where you feel lonely and I find it difficult but my focus currently is building up my sense of self and social circle and also taking care of dc. I don't have much other support in real life and this is a factor - like you, my dh is helpful with the dc and practical - nothing is black and white is it.

Also perimenopausal and determined not to make a major decision until my hormones settle a bit/my dc are older. Just trying to improve my own life currently so I don't feel like life is passing me by. You have my sympathies op, lack of emotional intimacy/affection is soul destroying.

Watching this thread with interest.

Love comes at all ages

It can do, but the chances significantly decrese as you age.

Do you have any facts to back that up or is it just your opinion? Are you older or unhappily married or something? You seem very invested in the idea that people should just settle for decades and that age is a massive barrier to changing. Really negative viewpoint, is it from experience?

I think the world is changing. We are living longer in better health and 50 is not elderly, you potentially have a lot of living to do.

I would talk to your husband in a non confrontational but honest way about a way forward. Maybe you could navigate an amicable split where you can remain friendly but go forward and create new memories for yourself.

As for the idea of staying in situ because there may not be a suitable replacement..yuk..you will find you don't need one..you may find one of course, but you certainly don't need one, remember that..
Best of luck

Actually, because I was curious, I had a look at stats for over 50s and according to Pew Research pepper are actually more likely to remarry as they get into their 50s - 67% compared to 57% for the 35-44 age bracket.

www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2014/11/14/four-in-ten-couples-are-saying-i-do-again/st_2014-11-14_remarriage-06/