50+ I can't get to a decision

[Mirandaesque]

I know sometimes when you don't know what to do it's ok to do nothing but I could still be doing nothing in a year, 2 years, 5 years 😤
Mid fifties, married 24 years, 2 adult children still at home. We get on but we don't do much together, no intimacy for few years, very little affection. And although I really crave the intimacy I don't think I want it with him anymore, it's been too long - and yes I've tried every approach to get that back. We don't communicate, I could never find emotional support in him - few emotional health difficulties cause low moods. But he's a great dad, he can be great company and funny to be around but I just don't think it's enough going forward as it's just us.
But I break a family, cause huge upheaval and emotional distress for everyone based on selfish reasons?
My self esteem and confidence is rock bottom, I can't imagine what my life or my family's would look like and that I could attract a decent bloke or consider sex after nothing for so long. I'm peri m and experiencing huge sex surge with nowhere to channel it, which doesnt help. Been feeling like this for about 5 years. I can't say I'm desperately unhappy, but I'm not happy and looking forward or excited about the future either.
I'm having counselling help me get to a decision and manage the guilt - cos really he's done nothing wrong, he's a decent bloke. He won't have any conversation though and just shuts it down or behaves like a reprimanded child. So this is mine to sort or not and do nothing
I just can't get to a decision. Anyone feeling similar ?

Probably because more widows are entering the market.

There's a thread on here posted a while back, ive just posted on it, called "So fed up I think I'll give uo on men"

On there was a very articulate male who dared to say that women have a harder time as they age to find a partner or love. Many of them acused him of being red pill, but he wasn't, he was very good at debating.
The women really disliked him but I thought his arguments made a lot of sense, whether you agreed with him or not.

If the volumous dating threads are anything to go by it seems it does indeed become harder as you age.
I don't wish any woman to be lonely or not loved, I would love for all women to be treated with respect and cherished by their partners whatever age, but sadly this is not the case and I've seen that sometimes some ladies can jump ship to find they are in an even worse possition.

Certainly not my experience. At 53 I look and feel better than I did 20 years ago and if I were single, without being conceited, I know I'd have plenty of opportunities.
I think many women hit a wall in their late 30s/40s when they're bogged down with responsibility and have too little time to prioritise themselves, their happiness and wellbeing.
Unfortunately some never make it out the other side, and by the time they have regained some time and freedom have given up. It tends to be these women who claim that all older women are invisible, unattractive and will never find relationships, because they're projecting.
But there are plenty of us out here, embracing our new stage of life, our extra time, money and freedom, looking after ourselves physically and mentally, enjoying great social lives, and generally bringing a lot to the table relationship wise.

Some of us don’t want another relationship.

Does op definitely want a new relationship or just sex ?

Oh well, if a man has told us what we experience, then it must be true!
I shall immediately discount what I know of my own life and that of other women and bow to his greater knowledge.
I shan't for a moment suspect him of being some sad undesirable who wants to convince women they should consider men like him because they won't get a better offer.
I shan't for a moment think that a man coming onto a thread where women are discussing dating to tell them they are unattractive after a certain age had anything but their wellbeing in mind.

@5128gap

I know what you're thinking but really regardless of sex, he was was intellegent.

It sounds as though because he's a man you are unwilling to even accept debate from a male.

I refuse to accept that a man can 'debate' with women about what women experience when dating.
The only thing he could contribute is his own view of women, which given he is one individual who none of us are likely to want to date, is entirely irrelevant.
The very fact he would feel entitled to argue a matter he knows nothing about does not suggest he is intelligent.

Well if you've read it and understood you'll see confidence and self esteem pretty low, so in time I would want both - maybe sex on its own maybe sex within a relationship.
And yes I know it's not a given. If I was jumping ship as you put it I'd have done it a long time ago
It will be the most selfish thing I've ever done putting my happiness and needs above everything else, I'm giving it every consideration before deciding what to do
I don't want to wait until it's bad enough and resentment is taking over.

People are deflecting their own insecurities and bad experiences onto you OP. When you open yourself up the world, there are so many opportunities for happiness, including many men your age you could end up being very happy with. Don't let the fear of being alone stop you being happy, you'll always have a family with your children (and I'm sure your own extended family). A man (or men..) will just supplement your life and maybe provide things your current partner is not

If you just want sex then you could crack on and get some if you broke up, what quality that sex would be could vary obviously.

If you want a really loving and equal partnership that’s a lot harder at any age.

Not sure asking friends is a good idea about your chances because I find women are often dishonest about the way their friends look or what sort of catch they are because they are conditioned to be nice and want to be liked.

Another issue is finances. If I got together with anyone now I would really worry about mixing assets.

@5128gap
He was a statistician.

Funnily enough there are men that work and are educated in fields that affect women.
My gynecologist hasn't got a fanny but he knows more about my vagina than I do.

Yes that will be hard explaining it to family.

I’m fifty and it is more difficult but that’s nothing to do with me (I look about 42 though). It’s because most men my age are repulsive and I’m far more fussy. Younger men are more attractive but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a much younger man.

OP I'm less lonely sitting on the sofa on my own than with a husband of 20+ years who didn't get me and was utterly unaffectionate.

You might be single for the duration if you leave. But that might still be a better way.

I’m fifty and it is more difficult but that’s nothing to do with me (I
look about 42 though). It’s because most men my age are repulsive and
I’m far more fussy. Younger men are more attractive but I wouldn’t feel
comfortable with a much younger man

Yes on that thread I mentioned, we were talking about the politics about it.
I think it is harder especially for the 40/ early fifty ladies as the males start looking for younger women and the men available tend to be the ones who wern't too brilliant at retaining civilised relationships, hense the available stautus, your's is even worse because you need a highly attractive male.

Sometimes you can outprice yourself in the market if you are very attractive unless you are willing to age down, then the wisdom may be missing.

"We don't have anything in common" and men can be immature anyway.
No suggestions really other than going with a young man and telling him to shut up and putting on a pod cast of someone really interesting.

I'd choose a podcast of ......

It's not selfish to put yourself first. You have probably been at the back of the queue your entire marriage. Can you really live like this until one of you dies? That's the reality if you do nothing. It's not easy to start again, but it's bloody difficult staying. The longer you wait, the harder it gets as any vestiges of who you once were disappear.

I recommend this book:
www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay/dp/0718141776/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1669337613&sr=8-1

I won't de-rail the thread with my own situation but I felt similar to you @Mirandaesque for many years, and stayed. Now in my mid 60s my DH is terminally ill. I will soon be on my own and I get the sense from this thread (and many others) that the idea of dating, and sex at my age, is just a fantasy. Yet I still feel youngish and reasonably attractive (used to be attractive, now staying active) and the thought of never again having someone to love and be intimate with makes me really sad.

In my fifties I had that sex urge too, and that really was the glue that made me stay. Without that I would have left.

It sounds like you need therapy as a couple. Tell him how unhappy you are and that he needs to engage in this to save the relationship. Contrary to many popular beliefs, counselling can really help people to rediscover their intimacy if both partners want to, and especially if there's been no affair or betrayal. So in your case the relationship could be saved by this. However, if he refuses to engage in it then you have your answer and should feel no guilt about leaving: if going through a slightly uncomfortable process of healthy self-reflection to save a relationship of 24 years is too much to ask, then that's it really.

I’ve been married a similar length of time and I think mutual respect and friendship is the key- do you still find him interesting and intelligent, would you enjoy spending more time with him doing fun things? If so, you still see him as a friend and that’s a big plus.

Re. Emotional support and talking about feelings. Some people are lousy at this (my DH’s whole family is) so I don’t turn to him for that, he simply doesn’t know how to provide it. My closest friends are far better for emotional support. DH and I still have a physical relationship and are affectionate/loving towards each other though.

I suppose what I’m advising is to look at the pros and cons of your relationship-if you still like and respect him, it might be worth trying, but you may have to accept that he’s lousy on certain fronts.

I really don't think age has anything to do with whether you can fall in love with someone. My Dad is 72 and a year ago got together with someone, they are having such a brilliant time together!!! It's a joy to see. I don't think it's ever too late, till you're on your deathbed 😬.

-Could your partner be experiencing ED which has knocked his confidence? Or has he always had low sex drive?

Probably not helpful here, but my mother ended her marriage to my (frankly awful) father at age 50, after 30 years & 2 kids together, and went on to have a relationship for the next 2 decades with a fantastic woman (15 years her junior) who turned out to be her soulmate. My mother is quite clear that has never considered herself to be gay, she just quite unexpectedly fell in love with a woman.

Her wonderful partner died way too young, nearly 2 years ago. And my mother is heartbroken, but counts herself so lucky to have had those 23 years together, and to finally know what a loving, easy, comfortable romantic relationship felt like. I'd never seen my mother happier. All of our family relationships really grew as a result of her finally being loved and valued and enjoyed in a supportive partnership. We saw what was possible for ourselves.

I can't tell you how wonderful it was to see my mother and her partner walk along holding hands, for example. Or cuddling up on the sofa. Or laughing at a shared joke with twinkling eyes. This was something I'd only ever seen in films - certainly never in my parents' marriage. It wasn't something my mother had known was possible, either.

This is just to say that after 50 your options are not limited to grumpy old men, and you might be surprised what comes along if you make space for it.

You seem a little stuck on this decision being "selfish". I wonder if you really mean that it is scary and unfamiliar to make big decisions about the course of your own life, entirely on your own.

You have brought up your dc. They are now adults. They may be living at home for now, and certainly you will continue to be Mum for the rest of your life, but you are now able to make decisions about your life that are not child-centred.

Selfish in regards to dh, then. Well, sure, but that's what happens in the breakdown of a long relationship - you centre yourself.

One of the comforting aspects of marriage is being able to plot out your life with another person. Big decisions - do I want to live here or there? Do I want this ambitious career or less work/more joy? - are made with your partner. Maybe moving isn't possible because of their job, so you don't need to make that decision, for example. It's a door so comfortably closed that you don't really see it.

No one else will centre you. Your dc may have a loving and close relationship with you, but they will rightly centre themselves.

Right now, you need to decide what is best for you. Only you. It honestly sounds like you want to leave this relationship. You don't need permission. You can do that, you can make your own life. Maybe you will have another, better romantic relationship. Maybe you won't. But you do get to decide. That's not selfish, or not only selfish: it's what independent adults do.

You seem a little stuck on this decision being "selfish". I wonder if you really mean that it is scary and unfamiliar to make big decisions about the course of your own life, entirely on your own.

This. I think this is definitely a factor.

Currently, because I have young(ish) dc, I use that as a partial excuse as to why I remain where I do (and probably rightly so, to some extent). I think in my case, I'm likely postponing the envitable. Your children are older op, what is holding you back? It is a huge decision to make, granted and I have so often caged myself (after my experiences of childhood trauma) with some of the subsequent decisions I've made in life. A combination of 'getting better' and the perimenopause has made with reflect on this but I still don't trust myself with this sort of huge decision (yet).

My husband shuts down/avoids communication also, making everything all the more difficult to improve things. You say your husband can be great company/funny. What is it that you want more of going forward? Sometimes, we can create this in other areas of our lives.

Im 58 and ended my last relationship 6 years ago. That relationship was sexless and miserable, so I completely understand how that destroys your self esteem . I work full time, have friends, a very engaging (and time-consuming) hobby and as time goes on, I've realised I don't think I can be bothered with another relationship .. I might change my mind when I retire and have more time on my hands, but life is good as a solo 50 something woman ... it's certainly a lot better than in a dead-end relationship with no emotional intimacy