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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my H being unreasonable?

40 replies

Amsooverthis · 23/11/2022 23:39

I say H but we have recently filed for divorce, a no fault, we are trying to be amicable but remain in the same house. Although it has been my choice it is with a heavy heart. It has happened quickly and we only applied last week. Within 48 hours my H then put himself on OLD (I had said that I understood he would want to date again) and had a match so spent all of last weekend texting one particular person. He then spent 2.5 hours on the phone to her last night (outside in his car) and another hour tonight upstairs. I have tried to say that it hurts to have it going on right under my nose, he says I asked for the divorce..... I need to stop being pissed off but I can't help but feel he is being unreasonable. I want to try and be amicable but by pretending it's all great I think he's having his cake and eating it. Thoughts??

OP posts:
elephantonacid · 23/11/2022 23:51

You're not a couple anymore. It hurts but he can do as he pleases. Living in the same house doesn't sound like a good idea though. Any way you can live separately?

dolor · 23/11/2022 23:54

He could have done with being a bit more sensitive about it, but you're not going to be together anymore, and it's his life.

Original poster
Amsooverthis · 23/11/2022 23:56

I think we now need to do that. I know he can do as he pleases but it just stings. I guess I don't mean dating is unreasonable but doing so in the next room to me seems a bit disrespectful. We have been married for 18 years and there are still kids in the house.

OP posts:
RedSoloCup · 23/11/2022 23:57

He's doing it to wind you up, then best thing you can do is completely ignore him 😎

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/11/2022 23:58

Just ignore it. You asked for a divorce, there's no way he's ready to date. But he is winding you up.

Mouldyfoodhelp · 24/11/2022 00:11

Could it be that after you asking for the divorce he's rushed into it for a confidence boost? It can't have been a nice thing for him to hear.

Ponderingwindow · 24/11/2022 00:40

You can’t be amicable and friendly in the early stages of divorce. You can only get to amicable if each of you has the chance to process the complex emotions this is going to cause. He needs to be angry and hurt. He needs to be sad. He needs to have a night where he decides to desperately fight to get you back. He can’t do those things with you watching. You need to do all of those things too. Even if you asked for the divorce, you need to feel sad, angry, and regretful, sometimes all at the same time.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/11/2022 00:47

He's going all out to wind you up, obviously. Completely ignore everything. Let him make a tit out of himself.

You also need to remember that you wanted to end this marriage. You are no longer together.

lifeinthehills · 24/11/2022 00:51

You asked for the divorce, so now you need to let him go. He's allowed to date. He might be rubbing it in a bit but, as long as it's not negatively affecting the kids, you just need to ignore it.

itmustbemyage · 24/11/2022 00:55

Is he trying to make you jealous and want him back? It seems a bit desperate otherwise.

ZenNudist · 24/11/2022 01:10

Sounds like an escape, an ego boost, a form of revenge. Probably best if he moves out if he's going to date so soon.

I wouldn't let it rile you. You don't want him and the fact he behaves like this just supports that you were right.

Miss03852 · 24/11/2022 01:14

What would any woman see in a man living with their ex?! Most people would run a mile. I definitely think YANBU he should sort his living arrangements out before dating.

Original poster
Amsooverthis · 24/11/2022 05:20

He is already worried that she might run a mile so he's preparing to manipulate the truth and tell her we decided to separate a year ago (truth is weeks ago) and we have filed for divorce (true but only 48 hours before he started messaging). I know this because he tells me like I'm his new friend/sounding board 😂. I just need to sit tight and get things sorted smoothly so I'll smile and shut up and remember what brought me to this point.

OP posts:
Roundbasket · 24/11/2022 08:07

I disagree with people saying that because you asked for the divorce it’s fine . I think he’s being indenture and childish . Not to mention he’s showing a pretty low level of maturity in wanting to lie to the woman he’s talking to about when you Two split
Tell him your not his sounding board and you don’t want to know about his dating problems / experiences
Then go out and do your own thing and ignore him . Tell him nothing and take him nowhere as they say … and hopefully he will get the gist …. You two are not together and what each of you do with other people is not something to be shared at least not when everything is so new and raw

Naunet · 24/11/2022 13:54

Charming. Well if he can move on that fast, you were clearly right to divorce him. I think you’ve made the right choice, and you should take this behaviour as reassurance of that.

Bookworm20 · 24/11/2022 14:03

Roundbasket · 24/11/2022 08:07

I disagree with people saying that because you asked for the divorce it’s fine . I think he’s being indenture and childish . Not to mention he’s showing a pretty low level of maturity in wanting to lie to the woman he’s talking to about when you Two split
Tell him your not his sounding board and you don’t want to know about his dating problems / experiences
Then go out and do your own thing and ignore him . Tell him nothing and take him nowhere as they say … and hopefully he will get the gist …. You two are not together and what each of you do with other people is not something to be shared at least not when everything is so new and raw

Yes this. 48 hours! he must realise how hurtful that woudl be, regardless of who asked for the divorce!

I'd just ignore him and yes tell him you don't want to hear about it. And please don't say you're still doing stuff for him as hes still living there. if hes off seeking other women, he has declared his full independance and can therefore do everything for himself now.

And if he chooses to go out on an actual date while hes still living with you, I'd tell him he'll need to find alternative accommodation for that night as you won't want to look at him when he gets back.

Arrivederla · 24/11/2022 14:08

Don't allow yourself to be used as his sounding board! Calmly tell him that you are not interested then ignore.

His behaviour frankly sounds pretty ridiculous but not much you can do about it. Try not to let it upset you though.

FictionalCharacter · 24/11/2022 14:57

Do not allow him to use you as his sounding board! It will stop you moving forward if he keeps you involved in his life like this. A couple I knew made this mistake, tried to be amicable and friendly after their divorce, and it was disastrous. Neither of them moved forward and both stayed resentful about their failed marriage.

WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 24/11/2022 15:02

Amsooverthis · 23/11/2022 23:39

I say H but we have recently filed for divorce, a no fault, we are trying to be amicable but remain in the same house. Although it has been my choice it is with a heavy heart. It has happened quickly and we only applied last week. Within 48 hours my H then put himself on OLD (I had said that I understood he would want to date again) and had a match so spent all of last weekend texting one particular person. He then spent 2.5 hours on the phone to her last night (outside in his car) and another hour tonight upstairs. I have tried to say that it hurts to have it going on right under my nose, he says I asked for the divorce..... I need to stop being pissed off but I can't help but feel he is being unreasonable. I want to try and be amicable but by pretending it's all great I think he's having his cake and eating it. Thoughts??

You chose to end the relationship and file for divorce. And despite this being your choice and your action, you don't want him to date.

Yet he's the one who wants his cake and eat it??

What do you want him to do OP?

barskits · 24/11/2022 15:10

WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 24/11/2022 15:02

You chose to end the relationship and file for divorce. And despite this being your choice and your action, you don't want him to date.

Yet he's the one who wants his cake and eat it??

What do you want him to do OP?

Show quote history

I wouldn't expect most people to be dating somebody else within 48 hours though. Sounds like rubbing-your-nos-in-it revenge to me.

Newlifestartingatlast · 24/11/2022 15:14

Ponderingwindow · 24/11/2022 00:40

You can’t be amicable and friendly in the early stages of divorce. You can only get to amicable if each of you has the chance to process the complex emotions this is going to cause. He needs to be angry and hurt. He needs to be sad. He needs to have a night where he decides to desperately fight to get you back. He can’t do those things with you watching. You need to do all of those things too. Even if you asked for the divorce, you need to feel sad, angry, and regretful, sometimes all at the same time.

This.
Op you and he are both “grieving” for loss of your marriage. As you instigated it you’ve probably spent more time emotionally processing your feelings about that
he probably hasn’t got to same point yet

look up grief pathway on line. It may help you to understand why you both fe o and act the way you do as you get through this

sianiboo · 24/11/2022 15:41

My exH was 'devastated' when I told him I wanted to divorce...he was dating his next wife within 2 weeks. We hadn't even filed for divorce. I was a bit pissed off, yes, but my main thought was 'poor woman' (she was a lot younger than both of us).

Ignore him as much as possible, and tell him you aren't his confidant regarding his new 'relationship'.

CatJumperTwat · 24/11/2022 15:47

He's trying to hurt you, but only because you hurt him by ending the marriage (no judgement for that, just a fact). I don't think you have any right to remonstrate with him.

Original poster
Amsooverthis · 24/11/2022 15:52

WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky - totally not the sense of my post. Of course he can date, it's just rather soon and in my face.
Thank you to other posters who have made me feel I'm not totally unreasonable in asking for him to be more discreet. Other thoughts, yes I need to stop doing stuff for him.

OP posts:
MintyGreenDreams · 24/11/2022 16:02

Me and exH had to do this for 4 months before I moved out.He hated I was OLD but it wasn't his business tbh.