Is my H being unreasonable?

[Amsooverthis]

I say H but we have recently filed for divorce, a no fault, we are trying to be amicable but remain in the same house. Although it has been my choice it is with a heavy heart. It has happened quickly and we only applied last week. Within 48 hours my H then put himself on OLD (I had said that I understood he would want to date again) and had a match so spent all of last weekend texting one particular person. He then spent 2.5 hours on the phone to her last night (outside in his car) and another hour tonight upstairs. I have tried to say that it hurts to have it going on right under my nose, he says I asked for the divorce..... I need to stop being pissed off but I can't help but feel he is being unreasonable. I want to try and be amicable but by pretending it's all great I think he's having his cake and eating it. Thoughts??

You chose to end the relationship and file for divorce. And despite this being your choice and your action, you don't want him to date.

It was 48 hours later! Out of an 18 year marriage!

I don't think its about OP not wanting him to date. Ever. Its about him getting straight onto that the minute the papers were submitted.

I mean, jeez. I've had dinner leftovers in my fridge longer than that!

He sounds like a right tit whose trying to hurt you.

Ignore his crass behaviour and be glad you will be rid of him soon.

Don't bite.
Just pity the poor woman he's lying to.

There’s a big difference between her ‘ not wanting him to date ‘ and her not wanting him to be rubbing it in her face , making sure she knows about it not to mention lying to new women he meets

It doesn’t matter who asks for divorce both parties can act with some decency and basic respect .

I still don't get why no one else thinks he could be hurt and trying to get some kind of confidence boost. It's not like we've never heard of women being knocked for 6 and acting rash after being asked for a divorce.

He's showing you that whilst you don't want him, other women will be interested in him. It's his way of trying to boost his ego and show himself and most importantly YOU, that he's still got it.

He's showing you that you're cast offs (him) are someone else's 'treasure.

Is it quick? Off course it is.

My brother told his ex he wanted a divorce and then when she was on dating apps, he was telling me about it. I couldn't be bothered to say anything to him, but I did think, well you've dumped her. She's trying to show she still has it and can pull.

When you end it... you don't get to decide how quick the other person moves on... but you can tell him, your not interested in hearing his lies or proposed lies to other women..he does sound silly for telling you that. He knows a sensible woman wouldn't be interested in anything serious if he told the truth.

I met a guy through a shared hobby about a year into his separation.
He told me that shortly after his wife ended their marriage, he was on Tinder to get his confidence back (wife had had affairs).

Of course it’s not ok!
There’s a level of respect and consideration someone should show. Just because you ended a marriage that wasn’t working, it doesn’t mean that 1) he gets to deliberately try and hurt you/ punish you 2) use another woman to do so

He’s a twat of the highest order

Thank you for all of your messages. I do truly see how he needs to move on and have an ego boost but tonight I have also seen how deluded he is. He suggested he would phone her and then when he had finished we could watch TV together (but he wouldn't be quite sure when he would finish, maybe an hour or so.... turns out to be 2.... ). I said I don't think that really works - not the timing but me sitting on the sofa waiting for him to finish his call, and then be all chatty (that's what he would expect) but then he has a go at me for being unreasonable. Honestly it's laughable and painful and then laughable again.

Why on earth are you sitting on the sofa waiting for him?? Why did you even agree to watch tv in the first place?

Saying that, I do think it’s you that wants to have your cake and eat it too. You want a divorce but you want cozy evenings on the sofa watching tv. You don’t want him anymore but you don’t want him to date.

You may think it’s too early for him to start dating but it’s none of your business. Tell him you’re not interested and leave him to it.

I Seriously doubt if anything will actually come of it. Its a combination of lashing out and confidence boosting.

It is a shitty thing to do next door, but I can imagine he isn't in his right mind at the moment as both of your lives are on the verge of being turned upside down. Best plan of action is to totally ignore and let it play out imo.

I'm not sitting on the sofa waiting!! I didn't agree to watch TV - all of that was him talking. I don't want cozy evenings with him!! Me saying 'that doesn't work' was me saying that's totally not going to happen.
I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it. I just don't want my cake shat on!

“When you end it... you don't get to decide how quick the other person moves on... but you can tell him, your not interested in hearing his lies or proposed lies to other women..he does sound silly for telling you that. He knows a sensible woman wouldn't be interested in anything serious if he told the truth.”

This with bells on.

And this:

”I do think it’s you that wants to have your cake and eat it too. You want a divorce but you want cozy evenings on the sofa watching tv. You don’t want him anymore but you don’t want him to date.

You may think it’s too early for him to start dating but it’s none of your business. Tell him you’re not interested and leave him to it.”

You’ve ended the relationship. This is how he’s dealing with being dumped.

To be honest I’d be tempted to pretend to be on my phone texting someone and then sit in my car and have a pretend conversation, then checking he’d be ok to have the kids if you went out on Saturday night

Well, from his point of view, he's being amicable to you whilst organising the next woman to look after him! Very organised.
He hasn't been invested in your marriage for quite a while if he can slip into this behaviour and so quickly. He's emotionally detached from you and thinks you feel the same way.

At the risk of being sexist, I think this is something men are very prone to. The fact that you have initiated the final split, however mutual the process and decision has been, has hurt his self esteem. I’ve seen it more times than I can count, the female partner is trying to organise her ( and of course the dependent family’s life ) and build some emotional stability. The male partner rushes around demonstrating to ‘ everyone’ that : a) he really doesn’t care at all and b) he is still immensely desirable sexually . A friend of mine’s ex took a load of acquaintances out to dinner and announced the ‘ split’ with a fanfare as if it was totally his idea, and expected them to congratulate him. ( Acquaintances because none of their mutual friends much fancied such a bizarre gig).

I second everyone who has said don’t let him tell you about it, though. That is also him trying to show you what a terrible mistake you have made by binning him - but it isn’t your job to support his ego anymore.