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Original poster

Am I going mad? Or is he lying?

32 replies

Aliceinunderland · 23/11/2022 18:08

A bit of background, I've been with DP for 2.5 years. We've had some issues recently as he's lied about some things and I have withdrawn into myself at times. There has been no cheating as far as I am aware although he did 'wave' at some women that he didn't know on a social media site but nothing significant. Weirdly he doesn't seem to trust me at all and has been quite obsessed with searching my phone but that's a whole new thread. We are hoping to start counselling soon.
Today I received a bunch of flowers from him. They were addressed to me with our address. The card read "congratulations and a very well done. Much love (dp)". Lovely except I am not celebrating anything at all. It's not my birthday, I haven't passed any exams or received a promotion; nothing that would warrant a congratulations.
I asked him why he had sent the flowers as I was baffled by the message. He replied that he sent them to congratulate me on having him as a boyfriend ?!? At this point, I am no longer thinking that these flowers were for me. It's such an odd response that makes no sense at all and I was instantly suspicious. Am I making too much of this? He's now quite defensive saying he will never send me flowers again!

OP posts:
Alice6786 · 23/11/2022 18:11

Maybe they were supposed to be for the pretty young lady at work who's been promoted and he messed up the delivery address with billing address on the online form

OldFan · 23/11/2022 18:11

Sounds obviously suss to me OP.

He could just've been honest and said they were meant for someone else but he sent to your address by mistake.

OldFan · 23/11/2022 18:12

Though I don't know if it'd still seem inappropriate.

Bedazzled22 · 23/11/2022 18:15

Very very odd did it definitely have your name on the delivery?

PermanentTemporary · 23/11/2022 18:16

I am the least suspicious partner in the world and I'm smelling a rat.

Tbh though I'm not sure what I would do about it. You don't trust him to be faithful, quite possibly for good reasons, and either you can decide that not trusting him to be faithful doesn't matter, or you could consider ending it.

mrsbitaly · 23/11/2022 18:19

I don't think he's lying I just think he thought it would be funnier then it actually was. I can't see how it could have been meant for anyone else if it was addressed in your name with your address.

Original poster
Aliceinunderland · 23/11/2022 18:22

They had my name and our address on the card but I wondered if this has maybe auto filled somehow as he does everything on his phone?
I'm so confused, he seems genuinely upset that I am questioning this but something is not sitting right with me at all.

I agree that trust is an issue between us which is why I was hoping counselling could help us get back to where we used to be but what's the point if he is lying?

OP posts:
Lividity · 23/11/2022 18:27

You’re being played like a fiddle.

He’s auto filled the details and his brain has just clicked your name.

The being suspicious of you is a massive red flag for him cheating anyway.

Choconut · 23/11/2022 18:32

even if he is telling you the truth then sending you flowers to congratulate you on having him as a boyfriend is weird as fuck. Does he always rate himself that highly? Thinking you're god's gift, frequent lying/gas lighting and no trust/fear of being rejected are starting to tick a few boxes for narcissism. I'd be very, very wary if i were you.

barskits · 23/11/2022 18:46

Aliceinunderland · 23/11/2022 18:08

A bit of background, I've been with DP for 2.5 years. We've had some issues recently as he's lied about some things and I have withdrawn into myself at times. There has been no cheating as far as I am aware although he did 'wave' at some women that he didn't know on a social media site but nothing significant. Weirdly he doesn't seem to trust me at all and has been quite obsessed with searching my phone but that's a whole new thread. We are hoping to start counselling soon.
Today I received a bunch of flowers from him. They were addressed to me with our address. The card read "congratulations and a very well done. Much love (dp)". Lovely except I am not celebrating anything at all. It's not my birthday, I haven't passed any exams or received a promotion; nothing that would warrant a congratulations.
I asked him why he had sent the flowers as I was baffled by the message. He replied that he sent them to congratulate me on having him as a boyfriend ?!? At this point, I am no longer thinking that these flowers were for me. It's such an odd response that makes no sense at all and I was instantly suspicious. Am I making too much of this? He's now quite defensive saying he will never send me flowers again!

Weirdly he doesn't seem to trust me at all and has been quite obsessed with searching my phone but that's a whole new thread

And you're olay with this, are you? Does he let you go through his phone?

We are hoping to start counselling soon

If this is about his trust issues, then I don't see what can be achieved by counselling. You can protest your total innocence until you are blue in the face, but chances are it will make no difference and he could even end up persuading the counsellor that you are not telling the truth.

If it is about other issues, then perhaps what you really need to do is go to see a counsellor on your own, and talk to them about whether you really want to stay in this relationship or not.

By the way, about the flowers... I know someone whose husband anonymously sent her flowers at her workplace because he was convinced she was having an affair, and he wanted to check up on her and see whether she brought the flowers home or not.

RandomMess · 23/11/2022 18:48

Does sound like he isn't been faithful (at some level) and projecting onto you.

gannett · 23/11/2022 18:53

Generic card filling and he's trying to style out having been to lazy to personalise it?

Weirdly he doesn't seem to trust me at all and has been quite obsessed with searching my phone but that's a whole new thread

This is much more serious though. Add the lies and does it actually matter if the flowers were meant for someone else?

amiold · 23/11/2022 19:00

Does he often send flowers to you?

CatLick · 23/11/2022 19:08

Going through your phone is like going through your brain. The flower thing is really weird. Sometimes you really are better off alone...

AnyFucker · 23/11/2022 19:13

His arse is on fire

SheWoreYellow · 23/11/2022 19:13

I wonder if he ordered them online and half way down the form he hit ‘autofill’ for payment details and then it overwrote the delivery details above. But that would be his name, not yours. Has he ordered from them before and it used old delivery details? But it’s not a very ‘affair-y’ message. I wouldn’t know what to think.

Checking your phone is really off too.

unname · 23/11/2022 19:16

Do you have children together? If not, I’d leave him ASAP. The lack of trusting you is enough.

Original poster
Aliceinunderland · 23/11/2022 19:17

It's not unusual for him to send me flowers but the message today isn't anything like he would normally write.

We've been having some serious discussions over the past two weeks about the issues with trust and going through my phone and I thought he had taken them on board so for him to do this now just feels so upsetting. I feel like an idiot for believing things could improve.

OP posts:
blacksax · 23/11/2022 19:38

He is an arch manipulator and he doesn't trust you an inch. Remember that.

What would he do if you told him that there is no way on Earth you are ever letting him anywhere near your phone ever again?

Chomolungma · 23/11/2022 19:42

Very suspicious. Sorry OP but I just don't understand why he would have written that message.

Newwardrobe · 23/11/2022 19:44

If he goes through your phone and doesn't trust you, then you need to leave him. In my experience, someone with these issues never change, in fact they get worse.
I also think that someone who has trust issues is more likely to cheat.

TulipCity · 23/11/2022 19:45

Great gaslighting material.

Picklewicklepickle · 23/11/2022 19:45

2.5 years in you should still be in the honeymoon period not having to go to counselling. All of this is a massive red flag. You shouldn’t have to tell him not to go through your phone ffs.

Freshmind001 · 23/11/2022 23:03

He sounds fishy OP. Also the obsessing over your phone and accusing you of anything usually indicates he's guilty himself. I've read this somewhere before. It's possible those flowers maybe were for someone else but maybe just move past the flowers and just pay attention going forward. In the nicest way possible, I hope your wrong x

KettrickenSmiled · 24/11/2022 01:18

We've had some issues recently as he's lied about some things

Counselling doesn't persuade liars to stop lying.
It doesn't stop controlling people from insisting on inspecting your phone like you are a criminal under investigation.

He sounds manipulative OP. I don't think you should have joint counselling with him. Professionals recommend that you never enter into couples counselling when one of the pair is abusive - & lying to you, coercing you about your phone, (& possibly whatever-the-fuck he's up to with his flower message weirdness) is abusive.

Have some solo counselling for yourself. Find out why you feel you owe a liar any more of your time. Living with a liar is corrosive. Living with a controlling bastard is soul-destroying. You are not obliged to stay with him. Flowers