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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it best to let go?

27 replies

aw91 · 23/11/2022 10:19

My partner and I have been in each others life a little over three years. We have no shared children but I have a dd who he has bonded with over said years.

He seemed amazing at first, met my family and friends and eventually my dd. After a while we moved in together but he decided this isn't what he wanted anymore and moved back home (3hrs away). It was up and down( mainly down) from there. After a while he blocked me out of no where for over a month.

We rekindled. It took a long time but trust had rebuilt and we started seeing each other again, last night I wanted to discuss our future as I wanted assurance it's going somewhere this time. My dd has enough going on with her dad moving away and struggling in school and also going through diagnosis for adhd, so I wanted no further confusion.

I explained my goals were to eventually move in together and I desperately want another child marriage is also a goal. But not for a few years. I wanted him to know id want it one day. He told me he needed to think.

Later he came back to me and said he loves me& my dd however he couldn't imagine ever living with anyone. He didn't ever want to move in and doesn't want a child however he would marry me in the future and live in separate houses, again 3 hrs apart. This is ridiculous right? I feel I know what I have to do but I just need opinions.

We had a similar conversation when getting together in which he responses were very different. When I got upset he told me "well maybe I'll change my mind one day"

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 23/11/2022 11:18

Other people's opinions are irrelevant to how you feel, OP. The marriage from a distance thing could work for some people, so that's not really the issue. The issue is that you, personally, don't like it.

This is about you respecting your own wants and needs, not about a general opinion of 'what's ok and what isn't'.

I couldn't marry military personel, for example, who would be away for 6 months of the year; many couldn't. But many do, and it would be pointless for them to ask a forum.

Original poster

aw91 · 23/11/2022 11:37

It's not so much whether it would or wouldn't work for us, but I feel it would cause a lot of confusion for my child. And it's a choice if it was for work it'll be different but it's a choice he wouldn't make to be in a separate home. But also all the messing about he's caused us so far. Is it worth waiting to see what happens if he changed his mind and cause heartbreak then in the future or to end it now and continue with all the disruption.

OP posts:

Toomanysleepycats · 23/11/2022 12:08

He’s letting you know that he is his own priority, not you or your child. If he cared he could offer to move closer (assuming you can’t move because of your DD).

He has all the power in the relationship. See it from his point of view and you will see that he is being selfish, the relationship is exactly how he likes it. I think saying he would marry you is a red herring, it will make no difference to his single life. He’s not promising to change his mind, just saying he might. This is the only thing he’s offering you, and it could just as easily be a tactic to keep you hanging on.

The killer for me would have been the blocking for a month.

As a stranger looking from the outside in, I think he is wasting your time.

Or block him for a month and think yourself single. It may remind you how good it is to be in control of your own life.

TedMullins · 23/11/2022 12:12

No, it is not worth it. He's putting himself first by telling you what he wants out of a relationship, so you need to do the same and put yourself first by saying that doesn't work for you. Neither of you are unreasonable in what you want (although he has treated you very poorly by the sound of it). Don't deny your own desires for his benefit. He won't change his mind.

barskits · 23/11/2022 12:14

He can't see himself ever living with anyone.
He doesn't want a child with you.
He says he would be prepared to marry you, but wants to live 3 hours away.

What's in it for you?

Original poster

aw91 · 23/11/2022 12:58

He's giving it all the you're my person and I love you and my dd . I want you both only you. It's difficult, he's the only person I really see outside of school mums we have round for play dates and a few family members I don't really have any body around.

OP posts:

Bedazzled22 · 23/11/2022 13:03

I’m not sure what’s in it for you really in this relationship. He is making it very clear that he is his own priority. It’s all on his terms.

Also blocking you for a month ..that isnt good behaviour and seems a bit strange….

pictish · 23/11/2022 13:06

Why on earth did you ‘rekindle’ after he blocked you for a month?
I’d be saying, ‘fuck you then’ and making space for someone who likes me?

No offence but it was only ever going to be a shit show after accepting that.

Dacadactyl · 23/11/2022 13:09

aw91 · 23/11/2022 12:58

Having a few family members and the odd mum friend is ok OP. Youre not doing too badly on the company front.

Im sorry to say but i think this man is a user who is with you for sex. I think you should block him and move on.

Original poster

aw91 · 23/11/2022 16:34

@Dacadactyl
Someone had mentioned the possibility of him using me for sex but we really don't do it often& honestly he just keeps saying that we can make it work living apart, seeing me most weekends of the month blah blah

OP posts:

Toomanysleepycats · 23/11/2022 16:41

Just because he is saying you can both make it work he probably means it will work for him.

Your opening post made it very clear you want something more. Think very hard about what YOU want, write down a list of things he’s done for you and vice versa. As they say, words are cheap, it’s actions that matter.

As for the sex, it’s presumably enough for him.

whattodo1975 · 23/11/2022 16:42

It was over the first time he moved out to be 3 hours.

You 100% need to move on, for your daughter more than anything else.

whattodo1975 · 23/11/2022 16:44

Toomanysleepycats · 23/11/2022 16:41

Just because he is saying you can both make it work he probably means it will work for him.

As for the sex, it’s presumably enough for him.

On the sex, you sat you dont do it that often, my immediate thought is that he is having it whilst he's 3 hours away from you.

WhenDovesFly · 23/11/2022 16:50

Don't settle for this man OP just because you don't see many other people. Life is too short to settle for less than you want. You have different outlooks - you want marriage and another child; he doesn't want to live with you and doesn't want children.

The blocking you was a huge red flag. Accept that this relationship is never going to flourish. The right man is out there somewhere, you've yet to meet him.

supercali77 · 23/11/2022 16:52

You want marriage, stability for your dd, and possibly another child. Hes been flakey. Leaving to be 3 hours away. Blocking you for a month. So even basic stability is already scratched off. He doesnt want what you want. Hes said it so openly. He prefers this situation, and if he can give you enough words to keep you in it, he will. Stop listening to the words about you being his person, and look at what he's actually done so far.

Choose yourself. Choose whats best for your dd. Choose what you want. What makes you happy. Long term

Opentooffers · 23/11/2022 16:55

Oh well then, if he can make it work for him, that's OK, just go along with whatever he says like you have so far.
The crux is " I don't have anyone else around". You're putting up with all sorts of crumbs from him because you're lonely.
It's unbelievable that he ghosted you for a month and you went back - that's desperation.
He's wasting your time, you know what you want - marriage, DC, family- you clearly won't ever get it from him, he's just keeping you sweet, saying just enough for you to think about it. Don't listen to his words, anyone can lie for convenience. Look at his actions, ghosting, moving out, giving false hope that he might change.
Doesn't surprise me that sex isn't that often, I'm sure he can get it elsewhere if he wants while living the single life 3 hours away. Have you met his family and friends and been to his place, or does he always come to you?
If your not careful you could waste all your fertile years on him and end up with nothing. Spend your time looking for someone better and more convenient- I'm guessing you met OLD given the distance, if that's the case, given your situation, setting a catchment of 30-50 miles would be more realistic.

supercali77 · 23/11/2022 16:55

Broaden your social networks as well. Being cut off from others has served to keep you leaning on this one person's words. The more support you have the less you'll feel stuck

Clarklette85 · 23/11/2022 16:55

Yeah its a bit of a non starter isnt it. Put your efforts into your daughter for now rather than a man that certainly isnt interested in what you want. There will be better men out there who will want the same thing you do, you and your dd deserve better.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/11/2022 16:57

Is it worth waiting to see what happens if he changed his mind and cause heartbreak then in the future or to end it now and continue with all the disruption.
No. You already know what will happen.
He will blow hot & cold, he will live wherever he wants without reference to you, he will ditch you, ghost you, then come back into your life again whever he feels like it.

It was up and down( mainly down) from there. After a while he blocked me out of no where for over a month.
The relationship you wanted was dead in the water at this point.
Nobody can blame you for trying again, for having hope & wanting to trust - but ghosting you for a month then Hoovering you back in is horrible behaviour.
There is NOTHING stopping him from doing it again & EVERYTHING to indicate that he will.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

You don't need a long distance relationship with a flake who mistreated you like this. End it, enjoy a period pf happy singledom, & when you start dating again, don't allow men like this ANY more than one chance.

Oh & btw - that 'marriage offer'?
Meaningless.
You need to stop listening to his WORDS & start looking hard at his ACTIONS.

dolor · 23/11/2022 17:12

Cut that out of your life asap. He will never change, and you will miss your chance for marriage and children.

You want different things, and the fact that he blocked you for a month just like that? That's the kind of mindset that would result in him abandoning you if you got pregnant, and you'd probably end up fighting him in court for child support.

BuryingAcorns · 23/11/2022 17:26

You want very different things. This is unlikely to change or to make you happy. I would split and look for someone who has the same rleationshop goals as you.

HoHoHowMuch · 23/11/2022 18:15

It sounds to me that he doesn't want to be with you and doesn't want to be the bad guy ending things. He will treat you like rubbish until you end it with him and he gets the sympathy for being the dumpee.

sagalooshoe · 23/11/2022 18:31

Now you see, personally, I'd quite like this set up, bar the marrying bit. I'd like to be with someone that doesn't live with me, that I just see once or twice a week without our kids involved, that has his own life somewhere else and I can get on with my life, but we are loyal and supportive and loving and have lots of fun when we get together, meals out, romance, or snuggling up to watch a film.

But if its not your vision then you aren't going to be happy. I wouldn't get hung up on your child being ' confused'. Of course they will be confused if you sell them the tale that a relationship is x.y.z - and actually it turns out it's not. But if they know that your relationship with Bobby is one where you love each other and he lives in Aberdeen then they would be happy with that as long as they see that you're happy.

This is all about what your expectations are for a relationship that would make you happy are. If he isn't a match, it's sad but time to let it go.

sagalooshoe · 23/11/2022 18:32

Also, the blocking bit is just plain out of order. He should go for that alone.

Original poster

aw91 · 23/11/2022 18:53

Whenever we aren't together he's at work and then he usually calls me in the evenings and when I'm not at work, on breaks. He loves with parents and doesn't rlly use socials and doesn't rlly speak to anyone. He also had helped me out financially ALOT!! And he has helped me get anew phone for myself and a family member. But could it all just be a cover up. I just keep thinking of he does all this nice stiff and showers me with money even tho he doesn't have loads, he's comfortable at home. Then he must care. And mean it when he says he loves me ??

OP posts:

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