Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive husband makes me feel ill

46 replies

madelinesaving · 22/11/2022 22:13

My relationship with my husband is horrendous. We’ve been together for 20+ years. It is toxic and I can’t think of a time when it’s been good. Today, I have endured 12 hours of him harassing me, verbally abusing me, shouting at me and following me round the house. I was working from home and on a tight deadline but he has literally bullied me for 12 hours straight. He’s come back from a run to say he wants to talk about ending things and I said not tonight after todays hell (I’ve not eaten and feel ill) but let’s do it Thurs when I’m off. He continued with verbal abuse.
my youngest (5) still sleeps in our bed and my husband has just come into the room in the dark and threw a cup of water over me. It covered me, the bed and my son. I feel so bad for my boy.
The relationship is over but I’m so scared about my future. I work part time and there’s no way I could afford a mortgage or rent in this economic environment. Could I make him leave the home? It’s joint mortgage. I feel like his emotional abuse has had a negative effect on my confidence and mental health that I’m scared I’ll crumble.

OP posts:
Santagiveyoursackawash · 22/11/2022 22:15

Seek legal advice about selling the house.. A council flat will be better than this life op.

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2022 22:18

Contact Women's Aid. They will give you advice.

The house is joint and can be sold. It may well be that you are entitled to benefits.

Can you afford a solicitor? Find one ASAP. Are there friends or family you can confide in? But keep posting here for advice and support.

If he doesn't care what he does with your son there you must get it ended soon.

madelinesaving · 22/11/2022 22:18

I definitely agree but I have 3 kids so not sure I’d get anywhere soon due to waiting lists. Can’t believe the monster he’s become

OP posts:
dotdotdotdash · 22/11/2022 22:18

My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry you and your dcs are going through this. Have you confided in friends and family?

madelinesaving · 22/11/2022 22:20

I’ve been putting off telling my parents because they will worry themselves sick. They’re both in their 70’s and bend over backwards for me but I will feel like such a burden

OP posts:
Stripyhoglets1 · 22/11/2022 22:21

Yes.
See a solicitor about getting an occupation order and non molestation order so he has to move out - and report the DV/Domestic abuse to the police.
Throwing water over you and your child is awful abusive behaviour.
In the meanwhile see what benefits you might be entitled to.

madelinesaving · 22/11/2022 22:23

Thank you, if I can’t afford the mortgage alone would he still have to pay some towards it if I was able to get him removed?

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 22/11/2022 22:24

This man sounds very dangerous. To do this for 10 hours and in front of your son is cruel. I would advise you to contact woman's aid and get yourself and your child into a women's shelter ASAP. Don't tell him you are leaving. Pack a bag with clothes, essentials and important documents.

thisisasurvivor · 22/11/2022 22:26

Call the police op

Get this bastard removed

This was me a few years ago

And I danced around the abuse and made excuses

My ex was as bad as you describe

You must get him removed

Fcking piece of shit

Igotthegoose · 22/11/2022 22:31

Please leave for your babies sake. The abuse sounds like it has already spread to your children and they will be even more of a target when they grow up.

the really and mortgage will come in time and people ALWAYS find a way to make it work. Always. You will get financial help as a single mother of three. Please leave for their sake of not for yours, your life will be liberating.

id also be tempted to go to the police and get the fucker arrested for what he has put you through. I hope he gets what’s coming to him

Chimna · 22/11/2022 22:33

I agree that you should call the police tonight OP. He's not allowing you or your child to sleep. He needs removing from the house right now and the police will do that.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2022 22:34

You should have called the police, and I think you still should. You might be able to get him removed from the home. Whatever the case, you need to get yourself and your children away from him as soon as humanly possible. He is dangerous. Please see a solicitor and call Women's Aid at your very first opportunity.

RedHelenB · 22/11/2022 22:35

madelinesaving · 22/11/2022 22:23

Thank you, if I can’t afford the mortgage alone would he still have to pay some towards it if I was able to get him removed?

Probably not, but he would have to pay child maintenance which could cover the mortgage depending on how much he earns.

Byelaws · 22/11/2022 22:38

let the police know

CraigDavid · 22/11/2022 22:39

He's just chucked water over you and your 5 year old; I'd be ringing the police if I were you.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2022 22:41

CraigDavid · 22/11/2022 22:39

He's just chucked water over you and your 5 year old; I'd be ringing the police if I were you.

This 1,000x over. Your husband is escalating and his behaviour is very alarming. You must get out of there.

Rushingfool · 22/11/2022 22:44

Coming into a bedroom in the dark and chucking cold water over a 5 year old is unacceptable. Get some advice from Women's Aid if you can.

twilightermummy · 22/11/2022 22:47

You need to call the police because if the social services are made aware that you’re not safeguarding your son then you will risk losing him. I’m not exaggerating, he’s dragged you into that territory now and you can either sink with him or swim.

dotdotdotdash · 22/11/2022 22:48

You’re not a burden. Let your parents know and any close friends. As others have said, you could have asked police to attend and have him removed for his actions tonight. You and your dc have a right to a peaceful home

thisisasurvivor · 22/11/2022 22:49

twilightermummy · 22/11/2022 22:47

You need to call the police because if the social services are made aware that you’re not safeguarding your son then you will risk losing him. I’m not exaggerating, he’s dragged you into that territory now and you can either sink with him or swim.

Yes

So true

Even text a close friend NOW and ask them to call the police on your behalf

Word of caution
Not acting when things happen doesn't help your case when it goes to court

Please have the strength ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

BuckarooBanzai · 22/11/2022 22:51

Please be careful though I suspect I don't need to tell you that. The point you are at now is the most dangerous time for women. Don't hesitate to make you and your children safe by involving the police. You will be amazed at just how strong you will be on the other side of this relationship. Solicitor & women's aid to get a safe leaving plan up together asap.

Zebracat · 22/11/2022 23:25

So sorry. Your parents will know just ho2 awful this relationship is. Trust me, they will be relieved when you tell them it’s over. You are worrying what people will think because his abuse has stripped you of belief in your value. This is abuse. He’s an asshole. Call the Police, get him removed. I promise you life will get better.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 23/11/2022 15:48

Dreadful behaviour. Definitely report to the police. Then see a Solicitor. You will most likely be entitled to more than 50% if you are the main caregiver for the children. Also, you can take half of his pension pot value in cash. I echo PP who said that this is the most dangerous time. My first H was low level abusive, the odd shove or so, but when he knew I was leaving him it ramped up.

pinkyredrose · 23/11/2022 15:51

Call the police, they'll take this seriously. You need to get a non mol order on him so he can't come near you.