My fiance just left me and i have baby due March

[kyr4]

Hey I'm pregnant and our baby is due in March. But my fiance just left and says he is not ready for this and just wants to not worry about this and he says I am always annoying and all i do now is talk about the baby and my pregnancy and he doesn't want that anymore and he doesn't want to worry about this. I don't know what to do or how to get him to come back and now he is ignoring my texts and i don't even know where he is. what do i do? I am so scared about it all now and i don't know how to get him to come back

Honey in the kindest way possible, whether he comes back or not, you're a mum now and responsible for that beautiful baby you're carrying. You can't afford to be clueless about this stuff going forward. It's literally the roof over your babies head.

It is standard for baby to take mums surname. On the hospital wristband its always mums name so they can link the baby to the adult patient which is the mum. The 'dads surname' thing came from the fact that most mums surnames were the dads surnames because they got married and took their name. You actually need dads permission to give baby their surname if you're not married, unless he goes with you you can't even put him on the birth certificate.

And I know right now you're scared and overwhelmed and desperate for him back but he's just done a disappearing act. At the very least he needs to sit down with you and explain everything first because you deserve at least that. Even if its 'he got scared' he needs to tell you what he's going to do to stop him running away again because having a baby is fucking scary and there's plenty more scary to come.

You need to make him appreciate the gravity of what he's done, that it's unacceptable and that you won't be taking him back if he leaves again. You don't deserve it and even if you can't find the strength for you, find it for your baby because they don't deserve a dad that checks out and disappears when things get tough.

You “guess” a lot of things, but seem to know very little.

I fear you’re going to sleepwalk into single-parenthood by not seeing what is actually happening here, spending lots of time hoping for crumbs from this unreliable man, using your baby to try to lure him back, making stupid gestures such as giving the baby his surname to tempt him and completely fuck yourself over at the same time.

I wish you luck, growth and a big fucking epiphany about what you’re actually facing.

I don't agree that men can't talk about feelings...they often don't WANT to talk because they fear having to be accountable. They often also avoid conflict, not because they are afraid but because they don't want to tarnish their image or lose with a weak argument.

Look at his actions, he has left because he wants to. The grass appears greener and It is rare for men to leave without someone to go to. Harsh but in most cases the reality.

No one thinks their partner or husband will have an affair, until they do. I'm sorry it's a vulnerable time for you but he has shown himself to be weak & selfish.

It’s been two hours. So tonight, pick a favourite film or tv show and watch a few hours with a cup of tea. Then sleep.
If he’s not back tomorrow, call his mum and tell her what’s happened - it doesn’t mean he will necessarily get back with you because his mum tells him off, but if he’s gone and you have a good relationship with his parents, you might like to keep that and encourage a good relationship between them and their grandchildren.
If he’s not back and absolutely groveling within a couple of days, start seriously thinking about how you’ll manage alone - would you be better off closer to your own family for instance?
If he does come back groveling, and you take him back, be wary about relying on him too much. Consider double barreling the baby’s surname. Plan to go back to work after mat leave rather than becoming a stay at home mum. Make sure you set your finances up on a way that means your have access to savings. Keep a ´shit hits the fan’ fund of your own in an account he has no access to so you have a cushion if he ever walks out on you again.

I guess this makes sense but hopefully we will get married soon anyway. I guess maybe I will do double-barrel

I think you should work on the assumption that the wedding's off.

It's very easy to change your DC's name to a new family name when you marry. So stick with tradition and give the baby his/her mother's surname. As it's next to impossible to change it to yours if something else was given at birth and he doesn't agree

If he reappears please don’t accept any BS from this man. You seem very willing to make excuses for him. What you need to do is put your big girl pants on and tell him you need him to be supportive emotionally, practically and financially otherwise things will not turn out well for you and the baby.

And - tomorrow- start thinking about plan B

OP, in the nicest way, I get that you're in shock but he is not going to marry you. He's just abandoned you and his own child.

Get your own house/arrange to take over the tenancy, and start working out what you're entitled to, including from him.

OP wouldn't and doesn't need the dad's permission to give her baby his surname, but she absolutely shouldn't.

Even if he comes back, give the baby your name. You can change it at a later date if you do marry.

Just breath. Stop contacting him and give him space. You can't control what he does. He will either come back or he won't. If he comes back then I'd be telling him how unacceptable it is to bail on you at your most vulnerable. He needs to communicate. It's okay to be scared does he think your not scared. I wouldn't be begging him back or even acting relieved. I wouldn't be making excuses. He needs to grow up. He can't bail when he feels a way. Your meant to be partners and a family. Anyhow, leave him be. He needs time.

Also get your ducks in a row. Check on a benefits calculator what your entitled to if your on your own. At least you'll have the information if you need it. Also apply for child benefit and check how much child maintenance he needs to give you on the maintenance calculator. Knowledge is empowering.

She does as they aren't married. Unless he comes with her to the registration appointment and he agrees to have parental responsibility and go on the birth certificate she can't put him on there. Technically you can give a baby a random surname when you register as long as it isn't vulgar but I can't see why you would use that to give the baby dads surname when he refuses to be on the birth certificate or have parental responsibility.

Op even if he comes back. And your natural instinct is to tell him everything will will be ok when the baby arrives and that any worries he has that you will handle it. When the baby wakes you can tell him you will handle it so he’s not tired. When the baby wants to be fed you will handle it etc etc. But that’s not equality. And if you are trying to appease him and pacify him by putting him first and not yourself or the baby…. That won’t have a happy ending.

I know it’s tempting to gloss over this as long as he comes back but he’s shown you who he is and you need to see it and listen to it. Your baby only has you. You need to put yourself and your baby first and if that means being a single mum and being the best parent for your baby you have to do that. It’s the true light of day but as others have said you can only rely on you now. I’m really sorry he’s left you in the lurch and even if he comes back and then you can’t reach him a few weeks or months later. you’re going to jump to the conclusion he’s gone again. This is an awful situation to put yourself in always wondering any worrying. Don’t do it for your own sake.

She doesn't, as you've just said yourself. She can put any surname she likes on the birth certificate.

But she should use hers.

have you spoken to your parents? I live 30 minutes away from my daughter but would go round straightaway if she was in a similar situation to you. You could do some real life support.

Yes, but OP wants him back right now. If it was your daughter and in 2 days he comes back grovelling would you be able to treat him the same as before? If it was mine I'd want to wring his neck and it would definitely change my relationship with him.

In my opinion, family invovlement on either side will only heighten emotions right now. Stick to friends for now, make a plan, feel stronger and surer in yourself. If he comes back she can make a choice whether she is willing to accept him knowing she doesn't need him and has a plan without his involvement. If he doesn't come back or she decides he can go fuck himself with his behaviour she can tell her parents she's split with him and talk through plans with them and how they can help.

I didn’t realise it was literally this evening. You’re in shock, make sure you eat and drink enough, have a nice bath, put your pjs on and watch shit tv. Don’t contact him anymore, he’ll need his stuff at some point and have to call you or come back.

Don’t do anything dramatic, focus on looking after yourself tonight and in the days to come.

You guess a lot OP. Why would you want this awful man back? Was the baby planned? Did you both talk about kids and when or of youd have them? Did he wants kids? Maybe he didnt and he is now panicking?

How are you doing? Did he come back?

I know it's hard and you are so young. But you need to be very strong in this.

If he wants to go let him go. But make sure you put a claim to CM.

He can't walk out on his responsibility.

You will get plenty of help on your own.