Page 2 | My fiance just left me and i have baby due March

kyr4 · 2022-11-22T19:15:37+00:00

Hey I'm pregnant and our baby is due in March. But my fiance just left and says he is not ready for this and just wants to not worry about this and he says I am always annoying and all i do now is talk about the baby and my pregnancy and he doesn't want that anymore and he doesn't want to worry about this. I don't know what to do or how to get him to come back and now he is ignoring my texts and i don't even know where he is. what do i do? I am so scared about it all now and i don't know how to get him to come back

HowcanIhelp123 · 22/11/2022 19:59

First step is to stop messaging him. He's made his choice and he's a big boy so leave him to it. Make him come to you. He wants to know how baby is? He needs to be the one chasing by contacting you.

You can beg him all you want, go to his parents and have them put pressure on him, but if he does come back it's not because he wants to, it's because he feels like he has to and he'll leave again eventually.

He says he wants to not worry about you or baby. Doesn't want the responsibility. So leave him alone and let him feel how being alone is. Let him decide if thats what he wants.

Meanwhile make a plan for life with the baby. You have a tenancy. How long is left on it? Can you afford it alone, especially on maternity leave? What are your other options? Start making practical plans without him. Do you live near your support system? If not consider moving closer to them for around the birth as he's proven he isn't above doing a disappearing act. Give the baby your surname. His disappearing act shows you'll probably be doing this alone.

Look after yourself and the baby OP. Have friends around to look after you. If he decides to come back, don't say yes immediately. Take a day or two to think if you want him back after this rather than act on emotion.

RandomMusings7 · 22/11/2022 19:59

He's in panic mode because it's starting to sink in how much life is about to change. He's rebelling against the loss of control and throwing a tantrum.

I would leave him to it, as hard as it may be. Just act dignified and strong. Let him have some time apart.

Most likely he'll come to his senses and it's just a wobble. Hopefully...

RandomMusings7 · 22/11/2022 20:00

How old are you both?

Original poster

kyr4 · 22/11/2022 20:00

tribpot · 22/11/2022 19:46

I know he would be good dad
I mean how could you possibly know that, when his first act of (pre)fatherhood is to bugger off?

Never mind about how he's feeling and how he can't express his feelings. The important thing now is you and securing your living arrangements for the baby. Whatever he says when he finally resurfaces, he's made it clear you can't rely on him and this is far easier to sort out now than it will be after the baby has arrived.

As other posters have said, start planning for your own future. You can still be in a relationship with him, he can be involved in the baby's life as well, but you can't have this hanging over you with a newborn. You need to be in your own place.

This evening, though, the main thing is to take care of yourself. Can you call a friend to come over? Do not struggle with these thoughts racing around on your own, just so that other people don't find out what he's like.

If he wants to he could be a good dad. I guess but I don't know how and I don't want to do this all alone and I want him to come back. I don't know. I thin I will I am just confused and overwhelmed right now and I don't know what will happen. Thanks

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Original poster

kyr4 · 22/11/2022 20:01

RandomMusings7 · 22/11/2022 20:00

How old are you both?

I am 25 he is 27

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Original poster

kyr4 · 22/11/2022 20:02

RandomMusings7 · 22/11/2022 19:59

He's in panic mode because it's starting to sink in how much life is about to change. He's rebelling against the loss of control and throwing a tantrum.

I would leave him to it, as hard as it may be. Just act dignified and strong. Let him have some time apart.

Most likely he'll come to his senses and it's just a wobble. Hopefully...

Thanks I guess this make sense. Hopefully you are right!

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Manchmal · 22/11/2022 20:02

iknow he would be good dad
I mean how could you possibly know that, when his first act of (pre)fatherhood is to bugger off?

absolutely nails it

Herejustforthisone · 22/11/2022 20:03

Hmm. I’m a total cynic and have sadly been proven right so many times, that I assume he’s met another woman who’s young, free, single and not pregnant, and it’s turned his head.

I will never understand how men can do this to a woman they supposedly love, just leave her at the most vulnerable point in her life. It’s unfathomable.

He’s an unreliable, immature, inadequate and likely unfaithful piece of shit, OP.

honeylulu · 22/11/2022 20:06

Ugh what a manchild. Changed his mind and got fed up with you talking about your pregnancy and the baby ... because, you know, you are pregnant and having a baby! Sounds like one of those awful men who gets jealous of the baby for taking up the mother's attention rather than pandering to him and being "fun" and servicing his cock. Well rid.

sageandrosemary · 22/11/2022 20:08

Hard though it may be, I'd be planning for going it alone.

I was a lone parent and I lost everything when it happened, to be honest, but it was for the best. I'm in a good place now but it was tough at the time so I really feel for you. Do you have somebody irl you can turn to? Hugs

sageandrosemary · 22/11/2022 20:09

Herejustforthisone · 22/11/2022 20:03

Hmm. I’m a total cynic and have sadly been proven right so many times, that I assume he’s met another woman who’s young, free, single and not pregnant, and it’s turned his head.

I will never understand how men can do this to a woman they supposedly love, just leave her at the most vulnerable point in her life. It’s unfathomable.

He’s an unreliable, immature, inadequate and likely unfaithful piece of shit, OP.

Yep, this

Original poster

kyr4 · 22/11/2022 20:10

HowcanIhelp123 · 22/11/2022 19:59

First step is to stop messaging him. He's made his choice and he's a big boy so leave him to it. Make him come to you. He wants to know how baby is? He needs to be the one chasing by contacting you.

You can beg him all you want, go to his parents and have them put pressure on him, but if he does come back it's not because he wants to, it's because he feels like he has to and he'll leave again eventually.

He says he wants to not worry about you or baby. Doesn't want the responsibility. So leave him alone and let him feel how being alone is. Let him decide if thats what he wants.

Meanwhile make a plan for life with the baby. You have a tenancy. How long is left on it? Can you afford it alone, especially on maternity leave? What are your other options? Start making practical plans without him. Do you live near your support system? If not consider moving closer to them for around the birth as he's proven he isn't above doing a disappearing act. Give the baby your surname. His disappearing act shows you'll probably be doing this alone.

Look after yourself and the baby OP. Have friends around to look after you. If he decides to come back, don't say yes immediately. Take a day or two to think if you want him back after this rather than act on emotion.

I guess this makes sense and hopefully he will come back on his own soon.

I don't know anything. I don't think I can. I don't know I am so clueless at ths kinda thing. We are about 30 mins away from my parents. I guess I should give the baby my surname but feel bad as he is still the dad and i don't want to punish him for this. I hope he will come back soon
I will get friends round, hopefully that will help but I still miss him and don't know what will happen. I don't know if he does it will be hard to not let him come back straight away

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Original poster

kyr4 · 22/11/2022 20:11

Herejustforthisone · 22/11/2022 20:03

Hmm. I’m a total cynic and have sadly been proven right so many times, that I assume he’s met another woman who’s young, free, single and not pregnant, and it’s turned his head.

I will never understand how men can do this to a woman they supposedly love, just leave her at the most vulnerable point in her life. It’s unfathomable.

He’s an unreliable, immature, inadequate and likely unfaithful piece of shit, OP.

I'm sure this isn't true. I would have noticed and he wouldn't do that

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Original poster

kyr4 · 22/11/2022 20:13

sageandrosemary · 22/11/2022 20:08

Hard though it may be, I'd be planning for going it alone.

I was a lone parent and I lost everything when it happened, to be honest, but it was for the best. I'm in a good place now but it was tough at the time so I really feel for you. Do you have somebody irl you can turn to? Hugs

Thanks! I guess i should probably make a backup plan but it doesn't feel right. I don't know. I think so

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Herejustforthisone · 22/11/2022 20:13

kyr4 · 22/11/2022 20:10

I guess this makes sense and hopefully he will come back on his own soon.

I don't know anything. I don't think I can. I don't know I am so clueless at ths kinda thing. We are about 30 mins away from my parents. I guess I should give the baby my surname but feel bad as he is still the dad and i don't want to punish him for this. I hope he will come back soon
I will get friends round, hopefully that will help but I still miss him and don't know what will happen. I don't know if he does it will be hard to not let him come back straight away

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What do you mean by ‘I don’t know anything.’ You’re a named tenant too, right? You pay rent and bills too, right?

You really need to wise up.

BattleofBeamfleot · 22/11/2022 20:14

Giving the baby your surname isn't to punish him, it's to make life easier on you when you register the birth with no father's name (because he doesn't show up), when you travel, apply for the child's passport, fill out forms, register for school and need to be identified as "X's mum".

Not to mention that if he really does not ever come back, you and your baby will have different names and not a shared family name. You might be fine with this, but there are a lot of mums who regret choosing not to share their name with the baby instead of the name of a person who isn't in their lives.

FlamingJingleBells · 22/11/2022 20:16

I'd text his family and ask them to collect his bags as he has left you pregnant with their grandchild. Also, mention that he doesn't want you to contact him which is why you're contacting them. Get the correct version out now before he puts out his own narrative. Also, state that he doesn't want the baby nor does he want a relationship with you both & then block both of them.

FairFuming · 22/11/2022 20:17

I know it's terrifying right now. You had a clear idea of what you expected your life to be like and that has suddenly all changed.
Do you have a strong support network near you? Friends or family?
Right now you need to stop worrying about him and try take a step back and look at the situation he has potentially landed you in. Don't chase him, don't call or text. You are both expecting this child and he's just told you he doesn't want to do it when there's very little you can do about the situation. I'd be angry. I was in similar circumstances and the anger got me through the worst of it, stopped me taking back a man who I knew I'd never fully trust again.

Speak to citizens advice as soon as you can and see what if any help you will be entitled to on your own. Do this even if he comes back so you know if you ever have to in the future.

You will be ok whatever happens.

Herejustforthisone · 22/11/2022 20:17

kyr4 · 22/11/2022 20:11

I'm sure this isn't true. I would have noticed and he wouldn't do that

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Yeah, but you didn’t think he’d up and leave you at six months pregnant either.

I know I sound harsh but I am a believer in tough love. You’re pregnant, a grown woman, sound alarmingly dependent on a man who hasn’t had to make any commitment or sacrifice and he’s just fucked off. You need to look after yourself an your baby, because he’s not going to.

Original poster

kyr4 · 22/11/2022 20:19

BattleofBeamfleot · 22/11/2022 20:14

Giving the baby your surname isn't to punish him, it's to make life easier on you when you register the birth with no father's name (because he doesn't show up), when you travel, apply for the child's passport, fill out forms, register for school and need to be identified as "X's mum".

Not to mention that if he really does not ever come back, you and your baby will have different names and not a shared family name. You might be fine with this, but there are a lot of mums who regret choosing not to share their name with the baby instead of the name of a person who isn't in their lives.

I guess this makes sense but hopefully we will get married soon anyway. I guess maybe I will do double-barrel

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FlamingJingleBells · 22/11/2022 20:20

How do you expect to get married if he's just walked out on you and the baby?

Mumsanetta · 22/11/2022 20:21

Give yourself time to panic and get upset tonight because you’re in shock but have a plan for when you wake up tomorrow. Even if he comes back, it’s time to get a handle on your life - you keep saying “I don’t know anything” and this needs to change for your sake and your baby’s sake.

Who pays the bills? What can you afford if you have to be a single parent? Can you move back in with your parents of you can’t afford to rent on your own, particularly while on maternity leave? Start answering these questions tomorrow. Knowledge is power! You can be a strong, independent woman regardless of whether your boyfriend comes back.

And you can’t “make him come back”. Hopefully once you feel like you have more power and in control of your life you won’t want to force someone to be with you and won’t allow yourself to be treated poorly.

Suprima · 22/11/2022 20:22

kyr4 · 22/11/2022 20:19

I guess this makes sense but hopefully we will get married soon anyway. I guess maybe I will do double-barrel

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Darling why do you want to marry a man who has left you like this?

you can’t rely on him

You keep on saying he’s struggling to talk about his feelings and worries but he’s made it very clear- he’s not interested and doesn’t want to step up

he doesn’t deserve to marry you

Neanov · 22/11/2022 20:22

Is this your first baby? Has he got other Children? It must be terrible for you what a shock.

Has he ever walked out before? I'm sorry but I agree with.... there's very likely another woman on the see.

cocktailclub · 22/11/2022 20:22

Another one saying don't contact him. You can't make someone come back or want something they don't want.
Although it will be tough, you will better off alone and not being let down by someone who doesn't want to be there.
Also if he stays because you force him to, you won't enjoy your baby as you will be overly concerned about your partner's happiness and keeping him happy.
I'd wait a few days without contacting him then make plans to move on