It pee's me off when DH goes out to smoke. Am I the issue?

[1234IDeclareAPeanutWar]

Prepared to be told that I am the issue.
If it is me, how do I get over it?

Both DH and I work full time, we have 3 children, two cats.

This time of year DH is able to collect DS3 after work, by this time I'm usually home writing up notes, conference notes, some stressful bollocks.
I take the extra half an hour I have to do more work.
Then they come home, the older two are home and instantly DH disappears.

He sits on the bed to make a roll-up while watching YouTube then meanders outside to smoke and look at his phone.

Mean while I'm doing this mornings washing up that I didn't have time to do whilst sorting out myself and three kids (he leaves for work before all of us), in cooking dinner for the kids, cleaning out the litter tray, answering 1846274 child questions and then he strolls back in when the cooking is nearly done, the washing up is sorted, the cat litter is clean and I'm about to do the three year olds bed time while he sits down to dinner.

Ive asked him countless times to not go off and smoke and help out during that mental time.

Apparently he is innocent and im just in a bad mood.

And while im on the subject, I've asked him a million times to flush his piss away so we don't walk into the bathroom to the smell of his brown urine.
He continues to do it. I swear I've asked him 10 times at least.

On the weekend he will just wonder out the house to fix his car or smoke, or go on the roof or do what he pleases when he wants.

And it's really starting to fuck me off.

we have been together well over 20 years and I have asked him NUMEROUS times not to just fuck off out.
if I did that, the kids would be totally left unattended.

Ive posted about this before but not for a few years I just need to get it off my chest

You’re not being unreasonable. Sadly many men are like this. Just leave him?

Not sure why you’re with him TBH

I don't think the smoking is the issue, think it's the lack of help from you DH

He sounds totally inconsiderate .. and blimey it doesn’t take long to smoke .. ! Is he sat outside chain smoking ? !

20 years. He’s not going to change.

This is who he is.

I was going to say "but that's a respectful thing to do, it's what mine does, has a fag on the balcony"

But having read your post, he's a disrespectful lazy fuckwit. Sorry.

This
Hes unlikely to change sadly

Tell him cooking dinner is his job, and if he doesn't do it, he doesn't eat.

It takes about 5-10 minutes to smoke a fag. Why have you put up with this for so long. When he comes in one day say you are going out. Have a night out with a friend. Leave him to sort everything, repeat at least once a week.

You’re not the issue, but neither is his smoking.

Then DS is saying he is starving. It's not fair to make him wait for food just because DH smokes.

When DH is physically within the house he helps, I don't have to ask for help to hang washing out, make the kids lunch, clean hoover etc. that feels very 50:50

BUT it is not 50:50 overall because of the amount of time he just fucks off out.

And it's really pissing me off.

He genuinely thinks he takes 5 minutes.

Leave him? Fgs what planet do you people live on!

oh Yeah son I left your dad for having his nightly roll up!!!

Can you just not do the dishes when he's having a smoke and have him do it when he gets back in? Or ask if he can do it first before the smoke? I know your shouldn't have to ask, but.

He would have a fit about the amount of washing from the morning. Given that it's me and the older kids that left it.

Or ask if he can do it first before the smoke? I know your shouldn't have to ask, but.

oh I have asked, but after the fact. I have asked before as well and he will do it but it Always comes down to me "being in a bad mood" and then the rest of the evening has a dampener on it. He won't be in the living room tonight now. Because I'm in a bad mood 🙄

Options:

1. Get a dishwasher
2. Eat off paper plates & use plastic cutlery. Chuck after use. No washing up.

Then DS is saying he is starving. It's not fair to make him wait for food just because DH smokes.

It's not fair to teach him that Dad's get to skulk off and leave Mum to do all the work either. And on balance, I'd say waiting for food is the least worst option of what he's learning.

Yes I agree with you entirely.

Perhaps I should approach it this way with him.

Change your routine. Don't cram so much into the very time you know he is going to be awol. Cook dinner for the dc yes, but the rest of the time, just sit there with a large gin cup of tea.

He does not respect you. His actions prove that.

If there is no respect, there is no future for the marriage (unless you lose all self-respect to match his lack of respect - but that is hardly the kind of marriage to aim for).

What are you going to do about it?

It sounds like you’ve been talking to him about these things for 20 years and he’s disrespecting you every time - nothing will change if you carry on putting up with it

Op my dh is the same. We are married to the same person I swear. My dh does the going out for smoke thing with his phone and then - and then - comes back and in and heads for the bathroom where he is for at least another 20 mins.

yes you could just not do all the stuff and let it pile up but why can’t he just go out to smoke after all the mad stuff is done and you’ve achieved it by teamwork and then he can go out and you’re also in a good place with your to do list.

my dh really does believe his priorities are higher than mine / anyone’s. And when mine does sound different because when he is here with the family I know he’s just waiting for an opportunity to bugger off outside or to the bathroom again. It’s maddening.

@1234IDeclareAPeanutWar
‘’I'm doing this mornings washing up that I didn't have time to do whilst sorting out myself and three kids (he leaves for work before all of us), in cooking dinner for the kids, cleaning out the litter tray, answering 1846274 child questions’’

How big is the cigarette?