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Original poster

Too tired for sex

28 replies

Becky12123 · 21/11/2022 21:28

hi I wondered if women have experienced this much ? I have a bf aged 40, similar age to me. He seems constantly tired and I’m v lucky if we have sex once a week. We have only been going out 3 months, though knew each other years ago. I feel I’m always initiating only to get rejected. He maintains he is constantly tired. I find it knocks my confidence and I may as well buy a sex toy for me. How to approach this? I love him

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/11/2022 21:30

I doubt it'll get better if it's like this only 3 months in. He's 30 ,very unusual to be constantly too tired so young.

KangarooKenny · 21/11/2022 21:30

Get rid.
Does he watch porn ?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/11/2022 21:32

Sorry, I thought he was 30 not 40 and I missed once a week. Tbh once a week is fine in my book, how often would you like it?

LizzieSiddal · 21/11/2022 21:33

He’s 40, does he do a very manual job? Maybe he is too tired.

I do think you should listen to him, he’s telling you who he is and I imagine things won’t get any better.

Raveon2000 · 21/11/2022 21:35

I'd be expecting sex at every given opportunity at 3 months in! Doesn't look good for the long term if he's too tired this early on?

Watchkeys · 21/11/2022 21:37

If you think you love him enough, after 3 months, that you want to stay in a relationship with him, despite knowing that his behaviour knocks your confidence, have a look at your boundaries. Something's amiss, and it's not his sex drive.

Original poster
Becky12123 · 21/11/2022 21:38

Watchkeys · 21/11/2022 21:37

If you think you love him enough, after 3 months, that you want to stay in a relationship with him, despite knowing that his behaviour knocks your confidence, have a look at your boundaries. Something's amiss, and it's not his sex drive.

@Watchkeys do you mean I should break up because I’m not happy about this ?

OP posts:
upfucked · 21/11/2022 21:41

Either he works ridiculously hours, isn’t into you it has a health issue. I’m late 30 and went through a period like this but that was down to a baby/toddler making several times a night.

Watchkeys · 21/11/2022 21:42

No. I mean you've fallen really quickly for someone who doesn't meet your needs, so your boundaries are amiss.

If you can't talk to him about it and get an answer that settles it for you, you have an unsatisfactory sex life and poor communication. Why would you want to try to make that work? He might be lovely, but that doesn't mean he's right for you (unless you think all lovely men are right for you)

Isthisexpected · 21/11/2022 21:48

you've fallen really quickly for someone who doesn't meet your needs, so your boundaries are amiss.

^ yes I agree. Things aren't right here OP. How can you be in love with someone who doesn't make you feel desired in this first flush of a relationship?

Original poster
Becky12123 · 21/11/2022 21:48

He has been working crazy hours but last week he has been off work. I don’t know what it is but yes obviously I worry maybe he just isn’t into me. But then why would he continue this?

OP posts:
badassbaby · 21/11/2022 21:50

Becky12123 · 21/11/2022 21:48

He has been working crazy hours but last week he has been off work. I don’t know what it is but yes obviously I worry maybe he just isn’t into me. But then why would he continue this?

Maybe he has a much lower sex drive than you?
Has your sex like been like this since the start?
Not all men are at it like rabbits x

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 21/11/2022 21:51

Becky12123 · 21/11/2022 21:48

He has been working crazy hours but last week he has been off work. I don’t know what it is but yes obviously I worry maybe he just isn’t into me. But then why would he continue this?

Because it's a nice, low effort arrangement for him?

I don't know, only he can answer that really. But you shouldn't be trying to second guess what he's thinking. He should be communicating that himself, and you should be concentrating on whether or not this relationship is going to make you happy in the long term.

candycane10 · 21/11/2022 21:52

No advice but I'm in an almost identical situation but 6 months in. He just seems to have constant low energy. We've discussed it loads and I think he has a low(ish) sex drive. It's hard not to take it personal, but like you say it would be easy for them to leave at this stage if they weren't that into us

beAsensible1 · 21/11/2022 21:56

I am in a similar boat and honestly don't know what to do, Im trying the getting more exercise, sunlight and vitamins to see if that helps or ill have to get rid.

Fmlgirl · 21/11/2022 22:11

I’ve been in both ends of the spectrum. My ex had lots of underlying health issues and didn’t want sex, but my new partner is also 41, runs a lot and can still have sex after running 10k+ every day. So it is really dependant on the man and whether - like
others have said - he has health issues, a porn issue or just a very low sex drive.
i also doubt this is going to get better, you’re meant to enjoy more sex at least in the early stages. After a year or so, I would probably be happy with once a week.

Original poster
Becky12123 · 21/11/2022 22:11

@beAsensible1 @candycane10 its like he’s comatose in morning and at bed time and falls asleep in front of tv and even in taxis . It’s like any chance for a nap he’s all over it . What’s your experiences ? Have you brought this up as an issue ?

OP posts:
Successgirl2022 · 21/11/2022 22:18

Once a week is an average sex drive for 40+.

You have a high/higher sex drive.

It's like forcing meat on a vegetarian :).

It's your choice if you are willing to compromise or find a better match sexually.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 21/11/2022 22:19

Extremely low iron, illness or narcolepsy.

Fridaynightmare · 21/11/2022 22:19

I had an ex like that - I promise it will get worse and more infrequent.

For some people it wouldn't be an issue but sex is a huge deal to me in a relationship and ultimately I broke up with him to due to it.
I couldn't understand it either as he had no kids/pets, a short commute and a relatively low stress job.

I think as well it had the snowball affect of him backing off from any affection incase it led to sex which meant I didn't only feel undesirable but also unlovable. He was reluctant to talk about it as well, only ever said 'I'm tired' so I suppose open and honest communication was something he struggled with too.

All I know is that life is too short to feel the way I felt and have never regretted my decision.

Successgirl2022 · 21/11/2022 22:19

Southern nations on average genetically have a higher sex drive.

NoDatingForOldMen · 21/11/2022 22:23

Becky12123 · 21/11/2022 22:11

@beAsensible1 @candycane10 its like he’s comatose in morning and at bed time and falls asleep in front of tv and even in taxis . It’s like any chance for a nap he’s all over it . What’s your experiences ? Have you brought this up as an issue ?

Forget about sex , he needs a proper health check, that’s not normal for a 40 yr old

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 21/11/2022 22:26

Once a week is an average sex drive for 40+

If you're long term married with young children, sure.
A couple of months into a relationship? I don't think so.

Remember this is the honeymoon period, the best it will ever be OP, all downhill from here. And it's already making you feel bad about yourself.

RandomMess · 21/11/2022 22:30

His tiredness level does sound extreme has he actually sought medical help for it?

Regardless once a week at 3 months in is very little.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/11/2022 22:32

Why do you love him?

I wouldn’t be happy only shagging once a week. How often do you see each other?