Am I doing the right thing?

[beauophelia]

Hi guys,

Just looking for some general advice and reassurance that I'm not being OTT.

So me and my partner have been together 4 years, we have 2 young children together.

Before we had our kids, he used to be out most weekends, but did settle down briefly whilst my eldest was a baby. He then started going out again which I didn't mind every now and then, but then he would start using our little arguments as an excuse to just get up and go out and leave me and the kids for the night and not return home until the next day without a message or call to let me know what the hell he's been playing at.

He has done this probably more than 10 times in the last 12 months, sometimes he'd just pretended he was going to his van to get something then driving to the pub and going on a full blown night out or "popping to the shop". He's also, when doing this, spending money we don't have to spare at this moment in time.

One time I had enough, so I got my kids in the car and followed him, but he then made me look like a total nutter in front of his family making out I never let him go out (which isn't true either) However, now they are seeing the flip side and realising it isn't me and that he does it off his own back without us even arguing now.

He did stop for a while, but has just started doing it again recently. Every time he does it the next day he grovels and apologises to me, and promises he won't do it again, but then he does.

For instance, 2 weekends ago he went out after he was supposed to come home after 2 pints and the pub. I'd been at work all day, already felt unwell and still hadnt eaten and he said he was going to bring us food home, he didn't return home until 1030am the next day. His family after this realised it isn't my fault when he does this, and that maybe he has a binge drinking problem.

And tonight after the footballs been on he hasn't returned home, he's been out since 1pm and he was supposed to be home at 4.

I just am at my wits end, so I've ended things once and for all

He never used to drink much through the week either when we first got together, but now he seems to always be having cans of beer on a night, sometimes the odd one, other times it's a lot. And I can always tell or get a feeling when he's going to do his "disappearing act" I call it, when he will go out, as he usually seems half cut before he leaves.

Sorry for the long winded post, I just want to know what everyone else's opinion is. I've tried to explain it the best I can, I've not mentioned every detailed time he's gone and what's triggered it but sometimes we don't even need to of bickered for him to do this!

Also to add, when he does do this, I get 0 responses to calls and texts. So I'd never actually know where he is or who he's with. But I've never caught him cheating so I generally don't think he would be or is doing anything of that sort.

So do you think I'm being over the top by leaving the relationship now? Or am I doing the right thing.

Thank you for any advice

@CinnamonJellyBeans I'm not sure why he feels the need to do it. I've never stopped him from arranging nights out with mates in the past, but he's ruined all of it for himself by doing what he does so eventually it did become a problem when he wanted to go out as I knew the spiral that would follow

All of his friends are mainly younger and don't have families either so they have never helped the situation.

Sounds to me like he’s staying out all night having his cake and eating it. He must be going somewhere till 10am in the morning. Get out!’

So proud of you OP stepping out on your own is hard, admitting fear kept you is even harder! But nothing is as hard as staying in a shit relationship that doesn’t serve you!

i wish you lots of happiness as you move forward with your life. You’ve 100% got this!

It sounds like he is an alcoholic- I would ask his parents for help and try to get him some help - starting with joining a programme

he is a brilliant dad and great partner
You can’t believe that OP? Seriously??

Great dads / partners don’t shirk out of parenting on a regular basis to get pissed / do drugs and not come home. Great partners don’t mock their partners to their friends, gaslight them, leave them ill and hungry… come on!

He might have a problem with alcohol, does he drink a lot at home? Tbh it sounds like he has more of a problem with being a father and being responsible for other people, he just wants to to carry on his old life of going out all the time.

Move forward and show your girls what responsible adults behave like, and model good relationships for them and their future. They’ll thank you when they’re older. They won’t thank you for subjecting them to this toxic environment.

By the end of your first post I knew you were the child of an alcoholic.

Our boundaries and attitudes to alcohol are blurred and skewed, and the saying is that “if you’re the child of an alcoholic, you either marry one or become one.”

Please break the pattern now, for your own children.

ALCOA is “adult children of alcoholics” and I think they would be worth a look, along with alanon.

You didn’t cause this. You can’t control it. But you CAN break the legacy of this.

Well done OP.

Whilst its a tough decision, it is the right one.

You will look back and applaud your bravery.

It’s the drugs - that’s why he does it. I’ve seen it so so many times with people that take coke recreationally. It’s highly addictive and also makes you drink more. you can’t rationalise the staying out all night because that type of behaviour doesn’t make any sense to most of us. To me, it felt as bad as being cheated on and I couldn’t stay in that cycle (I didn’t have kids at that time but he did!). Had I understood earlier he was never going to change I wouldn’t have wasted 4 years of my life.

I appreciate it’s tempting to think you need to help him and he has a disease but only he can help himself. And in my experience Coke is a lifestyle choice, and unless he’s going to completely change his friendship groups and possibly move away then he’s unlikely to be able to stop this behaviour. If you choose to stay with him then I think you need to accept that he won’t change.

my friend is currently in the same position with little ones and her OH is fab 90% of the time…. When he goes off on a bender I hate seeing how much it upsets her.

he is a brilliant dad and great partner

Why do so many posters write this in the middle of a post about these piece of shit men. He is not a brilliant dad - sounds like he does fuck all. And he is an even worse partner.

Get rid OP.
You will be much better on your own.

Hope you're doing ok OP, definitely the right decision but I'm sure you have a difficult journey ahead.

I don't think you could continue like this. He would have to change.

@beauophelia for many & some obvious reasons, he is not the man for you, AND he is still father of your children. So he will be in your life for many years to come in some shape or form, even as an absent ‘ghost’ of an occasional presence of fatherhood. It will help you manage the rules of his engagement with your girls if you are clear about his alcohol & drug misuse.

Other posters have added to the suggestion of Al-Anon family groups & this is an expansion of your resources.

No matter what he is or has done, he is still the father of your children & you will have some feelings about him. You can care about him without any responsibility towards him or need to take care of him.

But you may find that he tries to wriggle his way back him, he plays upon your kindness, upon the connection with your children. But as you know that would not be a kindness for you or for your children.

The writing is in the wall for him: you have tired of him & your relationship is at an end, his family knows he’s struggling & he needs to get help if he has any sense or chance of a healthy resilient future.

You want to see action not empty promises so that you may trust he is to be a decent father: prove to you that he has asked the GP/NHS for help, prove that he is addressing his problems.

He may stumble & fall, he is only human, but he must be seen to face up to his demons & responsibilities for his children.

Well done for taking steps to remove yourself and your little ones from this environment.

I don't think you sound foolish in the slightest. You've given him chances, tried to help him, given it your best shot & now know you need to put an end to the cycle of chaos.

Really, well done.

He’s likely doing coke

as someone who’s recently split from my partner of 13 years (and 3 kids), I want to reassure you that you can do this.
It’s scary and it will be tough at times but you’ve got this.
He will promise you the world and it might change in the short term but from my experience, selfish people don’t usually change and that was why, in the end, I decided I couldn’t live like that anymore, it was making me so miserable, always waiting for him to step up and then having to do it all myself anyway.
You are better off on your own than being treated like that.
You are important and deserve to be treated that way, not just taken for granted.
Good on you for being brave enough to taking that first step 💕💕