Am I doing the right thing?

[beauophelia]

Hi guys,

Just looking for some general advice and reassurance that I'm not being OTT.

So me and my partner have been together 4 years, we have 2 young children together.

Before we had our kids, he used to be out most weekends, but did settle down briefly whilst my eldest was a baby. He then started going out again which I didn't mind every now and then, but then he would start using our little arguments as an excuse to just get up and go out and leave me and the kids for the night and not return home until the next day without a message or call to let me know what the hell he's been playing at.

He has done this probably more than 10 times in the last 12 months, sometimes he'd just pretended he was going to his van to get something then driving to the pub and going on a full blown night out or "popping to the shop". He's also, when doing this, spending money we don't have to spare at this moment in time.

One time I had enough, so I got my kids in the car and followed him, but he then made me look like a total nutter in front of his family making out I never let him go out (which isn't true either) However, now they are seeing the flip side and realising it isn't me and that he does it off his own back without us even arguing now.

He did stop for a while, but has just started doing it again recently. Every time he does it the next day he grovels and apologises to me, and promises he won't do it again, but then he does.

For instance, 2 weekends ago he went out after he was supposed to come home after 2 pints and the pub. I'd been at work all day, already felt unwell and still hadnt eaten and he said he was going to bring us food home, he didn't return home until 1030am the next day. His family after this realised it isn't my fault when he does this, and that maybe he has a binge drinking problem.

And tonight after the footballs been on he hasn't returned home, he's been out since 1pm and he was supposed to be home at 4.

I just am at my wits end, so I've ended things once and for all

He never used to drink much through the week either when we first got together, but now he seems to always be having cans of beer on a night, sometimes the odd one, other times it's a lot. And I can always tell or get a feeling when he's going to do his "disappearing act" I call it, when he will go out, as he usually seems half cut before he leaves.

Sorry for the long winded post, I just want to know what everyone else's opinion is. I've tried to explain it the best I can, I've not mentioned every detailed time he's gone and what's triggered it but sometimes we don't even need to of bickered for him to do this!

Also to add, when he does do this, I get 0 responses to calls and texts. So I'd never actually know where he is or who he's with. But I've never caught him cheating so I generally don't think he would be or is doing anything of that sort.

So do you think I'm being over the top by leaving the relationship now? Or am I doing the right thing.

Thank you for any advice

You are doing the right thing OP.

He's showing you very clearly that he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship and he's cheating on you with alcohol which is the third party in this situation. In his mind it will always take priority over you.

He doesn't value his family enough to seriously get help, so you need to leave.

I'm sorry x

OP I have been in an identical relationship, I am so sorry for you and your kiddies. In my experience where drugs are involved they will never change. I wish I’d walked away much earlier. You are doing the right thing, stick to your guns and build a life for you and your children. You are not responsible for him.

100% you are doing the right thing and sounds like about time! He sounds awful.

I am so proud of you for ending it. I was in a relationship that included this behavior and it was hell and seriously effected my mental health.

Stick to your decision and move on into a better albeit different life.

Well done OP. This will be hard but not as hard as putting up with him and throwing away your future.

Hi, @beauophelia. I'm sorry, I've nothing constructive to add, except to agree that you have done the right thing. Your latest post was just so positive, I'm sure you will be strong enough to manage to get a better life for you and your girls, despite being worried about coping on your own.

I just really hope he uses this as a big push to get help as I do care about him and love him, and don't want him to end up killing himself with these bad habits.

You've absolutely done the right thing. Both for yourself and your girls and hopefully he'll seek help now. But stick to your guns!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband has also had a drinking problem. Outside of this he was a fantastic dad to our 2 daughters and a loving and respectful partner - in my opinion it absolutely is possible to be a good husband and father but also have a drinking problem which is ultimately an illness. When he drank (always when the girls were in bed) he would become aggressive and unkind. 2 years ago we hit rock bottom in our relationship - because of his drinking but also other issues. He ultimately recognised he had a problem and stopped drinking all together and he hasn’t had a drink ever since. I was going to leave and I think this ultimately triggered him to finally make the change, but he had to make this decision himself.

Now I am grateful every day I didn’t leave and that we are so happy. But it’s taken a lot of work. Is there anyone else who could talk to him about his drinking - family? A friend? If he could see that you are serious about leaving, might it trigger a change? Could you afford some couples therapy? Even a session or 2. Happy to chat about what helped us and my experience if you like x

My ex used to do this. It made me question myself constantly & always put booze first. He eventually confessed to cheating, so I had something that I felt was a good enough reason to leave him. I should have got rid of him years earlier though. Well done & don’t look back.

I do not believe there is a massive rush to LTB. He is not abusive, nor is he a danger to you or your children.

He has a substance abuse problem. He needs to get help with this and change his friends, who are enabling him. I would speak to his parents about this and help him as a family.

On a lesser note, why does he feel the need to escape and go OTT in order to go out for the evening? He should be able to go out with friends regularly, so long as he is able to afford this and deal with family responsibilities the next day.

He feels the need to sneak off drinking because he is an alcoholic and drink means more to him than anybody.

Well done OP, I endured the exact same thing for 10 years, only ending it when he added an affair into the mix. I deeply regret not leaving him earlier.

You are doing the right thing for you and your children. He isn’t a great partner or dad when he leaves you for nights out. Your kids will pick up that mum is anxious. Only thing here is you waited too long to leave him. I wish you and your little kids a great future. You got this ❤

Absolutely doing the right thing OP, heartbreaking as it is. Unless he is really invested in getting help, there is no hope; even if he is, it will be hard; not many addicts just get things sorted out easily. Relationship counseling wouldn't help when there are substances involved.
I went through this kind of thing, trying everything I could think of for three years to save our marriage, but eventually had to give up. You need to stay in the home and get him to leave, which is what you seem to be doing. Good luck.

Break the cycle for your daughters. If you continue to accept this and show them that this is normal, or ok, it's highly likely they will end up in similar relationships when they are adults. Do you want that for them?

I know that sounds harsh, and I know it's not always as simple as just saying 'leave him' but men like this will never change. Only you can change the situation.

Can I kindly suggest you redirect any love you have for him towards yourself and your children, you can't save him. He needs to do that himself.

By staying with him, you are enabling him to continue with his addictions.

What kind of example is he to your children? They are watching now and he is the only example of what a husband and father looks like, do you want this for them?

Think practically now about what needs to be done, bills, house, future etc. You can not afford to be on the back foot. Make sure you have your 'ducks in a row' and mean it this time.

His parents can take care of him, you have done your stint, and next time you may feel more inclined to choose someone that can respect and take care of you. He is not a great dad, he is not a great anything, he is druggie and he should be kept a million miles away from your two little girls. We are all here. Good luck op

You get one life OP and it passes by so fast. Don’t waste yours on a man with so little respect for you. You and your girls deserve so much better. It will be hard but leaving is the best thing you can do for you, your children and possibly even him.
He might say he loves you but his behaviour shows otherwise and you deserve more. What would happen if your girls suddenly got sick? or you did? Or some other life issue happened while he’s off on one of his benders? The contempt he shows by ignoring you proves he is not the good father or partner you hoped he’d be. LTB

Leaving is definitely the right thing. Believe me dealing with this and a family is harder work than just having 2 kids to worry about.

My ex was a bit like this with dd1. Out nearly every night " networking " with his work buddies. Once the 2 week paternity leave was over he was at it. He didn't see dd really much for weeks on end becuase he cane home after her bed time. Having just given birth I didnt get a hot meal in weeks because I was truly amd failing to breastfeed and couldn't put her down long enough to make a decent meal I lived if salad and tuna so i could eat it one handed and if it fell on her head it wouldn't burn her.

They dont change much. Being home/present in the building is enough if a " favour" that you can't criticise or pull up on anything without an argument. Don't do a me and stick around another 14 years resenting him for it

Hes not your child. Leave him to it.

Just make sure you and your kids are OK. You are still worrying far more about him than he ever does about you.

Its hard but this is harder !

Good luck 💐

Another poster made the valid point about your DC seeing this as ‘normal’ behaviour & what they will learn for their futures.

Also go to Al Anon, today if poss. I only needed one meeting. I broke down & sobbed the whole time, finally I was with people who understood what it was like to be second best to booze.

Totally the right thing. Its hard bringing up kids. Youand partner need to support each other. It will be easier on your own. He is no support.

Yep this. Seen it happen loads with my ex's friends.

I could have written this myself, except my ex also had a gambling problem. But he would do the same, start an argument, storm out because ‘I was a bitch’ & wouldn’t come home. I ended up kicking him out & he stopped seeing his child because he was still doing the binge drinking all weekend & would rather be in the pub than see his boy. Ten or so years later he was on bloody Jeremy Kyle with his mum & fiancé saying if you don’t change the wedding is off. They ended up getting married & are now divorced because he continued doing the same thing.

she called me all the names under the sun ‘for not allowing him to be a dad’, his choice not mine, & believed all his lies. She soon apologised after they split saying that he’d done the exact same thing to her.

I also found out he’d fathered another child when we were together, I didn’t even have any suspicions he was cheating but apparently they had a one night stand on one of his booze sessions. He said he couldn’t remember being with her but the DNA test her ex insisted on came back negative so she said my ex had to be the father. He denied this for years but they get together after a dna test came back it was his child. He did the same thing to her, told her I was crazy etc then she soon found out what he was really like. This was the time in between us splitting & him getting with his wife.

20 years later & he’s still doing the same thing, drinking & gambling, getting a new girlfriend moving in with her & being the perfect partner but he can’t sustain the facade & ends up doing his disappearing act. It’s funny because that’s exactly what I called it too. I’m so grateful that I actually had in me to finally leave him as it would have been a bloody awful 20 years if I’d have stayed. He even admitted to me recently at his dads funeral (I went with my son for support) that he knew he could get away with it & I’d always take him back so he had no reason to change. He said he was so shocked when I finally stuck to my guns & wouldn’t get back with him.

sorry for the super long post but unless he gets professional help & actually wants to change there’s no hope at all. You’re doing the right thing with leaving him, you need to show your girls that this isn’t the way men should treat women. Don’t even consider having him back until he can show he’s got professional help & has actually changed. The chances are he won’t though. Be strong for those girls & good luck for the future xx

You have made the right decision and I really hope you stick with it.
I agree he has a substance abuse problem but there is no hope in that changing unless he really wants to, and he doesn't ... at all!

What is your housing situation? Owned/rented? In whose name? Can you throw him out and change the locks e.g. if it's in your sole name and you aren't married? Can you manage financially to stay in the property if he goes (technically he has to pay maintenance but if he's blowing lots of his income on booze and coke, he might be a pain about paying what he should.)

You’re completely right to end it, it will only get worse. He’s disrespectful to you and your children and you’d be better off without him.

He has a real problem.and I’m sorry for you all for that.ets try and step away from demonising addicts though.they have an illness one which often makes them act in the most awful ways.and yes it horrid to watch or cope with but still.
you can’t live like timhis.nor can your kids then on.but this doesn’t seem like a really bad man.just a really Ill one.
that not excusing his behaviour.but the “keep him from the kids” “what a prick” posts aren’t helpful.