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Original poster

Is this gaslighting?

40 replies

jeallybellybean · 21/11/2022 19:40

Hi,
Am I being unreasonable?
I had a shower before my fella got home tonight, before I made tea.
I normally don't like to do this as I don't like to smell of food.
But tonight I was cold after being sat in a car for an hour. I needed a shower. I wanted to have a shower before we had tea at 7pm so I could have an earlier chilled night, but the whole time I wondered if my fella would question why I have done this. Is this wrong to think this way in the first place?

He came home and the first thing he said was, have you had a shower? I said yes. He said that's not like you to have a shower before tea. You normally don't like to smell of food. I said I know but I just wanted to shower earlier than usual, I had cooked in my comfies / pjs for the past three nights and you haven't said anything. I had a shower before tea on Friday when we were home together and you didn't say anything.
He seemed to have "a face on". There seemed to be a tone from him. I felt something was "off". He said it's just unlike you.

He then said how long until tea. I said fifteen mins. He said he was going to have a shower then.

I felt like I had been questioned. It was only two questions, but I felt like I had to explain myself to him. It didn't feel right.

He's now sulking in our bedroom about it. Annoyed with me for saying to the children I am cross because I just said to the kids that I am annoyed because I felt I had to explain myself to him about having a shower before tea. It didn't feel right.

He said he only asked two questions. I was the one who was getting all suspicious.

I stated that it irks me when I get questioned about simple things like a shower. I was in a controlling relationship for five years before this one (been in this relationship for five years now) and it just raises alarm bells. Not saying he is like my ex, but it just triggers something in me to feel defensive.

Sorry for ranting and rambling. Just felt gaslighted

OP posts:
LovelyBitOfSquirrel69 · 21/11/2022 19:43

I don't think it's gaslighting but it's definitely not acceptable behaviour. Why on earth does he care when you have your shower? If anything, it's controlling.

Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/11/2022 19:47

I know I shouldn't have involved my son, but my son had overheard the conversation and asked why he was asking me about a shower.
Maybe I over reacted, but I used to get asked questions like this all the time. I just wanted a shower before tea and to get snug. I was only cooking pizzas. No fried onions or anything. I was so cold from sitting in the car at football practice. But again why do I feel the need to explain all of that....?

OP posts:
ScorpioTwinkle1 · 21/11/2022 19:50

Personally from my perspective I think he was just asking a question as it was not your normal routine to take a shower before tea and he just made the observation verbally considering that it's different.

yellowsmileyface · 21/11/2022 19:50

If something doesn't feel right, it isn't.

This situation alone doesn't sound like gaslighting, but the degree to which you're questioning things certainly sounds like a symptom of gaslighting. In any case it doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic.

Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/11/2022 19:53

He records the conversations with me and my children sometimes as he thinks I am having an affair.
He had an affair two years ago for a period of a year. Wouldn't surprise me if he is doing it again.
I left my phone at home last week on purpose as I wanted to take my son out and thought he would disagree. He found out as he recorded us whilst he was at work.
Feel like he is always trying to catch me out.
It makes me defensive as I feel on edge.

OP posts:
username8888 · 21/11/2022 19:54

It could be he asked a simple question because you had done something out of your normal routine, and then got upset for bringing children into it. You were anticipating him saying something and when he did it confirmed your 'suspicions'. Its either you over reacting, him being controlling, or the whole dynamic is off.

Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/11/2022 19:54

I was in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship before so things like this were constant. I was tired after a busy day at work and the questions irked me. I did over react but I just felt like I was having to explain my behaviour. It felt "off".

OP posts:
JuliaGooliaaa · 21/11/2022 19:54

That’s not gaslighting. Hard to know without being there if he really was off with you or is it a pattern of thinking that you’re stuck in due to your former relationship? E.g. you anticipate him having a problem with it, so read more into an innocent question than was meant?

username8888 · 21/11/2022 19:54

thanks for the drip feed.

JuliaGooliaaa · 21/11/2022 19:56

Just saw your post about the affair- obv that shines a very different light on all of it. If the relationship is worth saving to you then you both need counselling to try and build trust

BastardtheCat · 21/11/2022 19:57

You have two posts running about this OP.

Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/11/2022 19:59

JuliaGooliaaa · 21/11/2022 19:56

Just saw your post about the affair- obv that shines a very different light on all of it. If the relationship is worth saving to you then you both need counselling to try and build trust

There is no way he will go to counselling. I am just shaking. Feel so upset. He is still in our bedroom. He won't come down. He's taken his phone with him. He did this when he last had an affair.
Used to question me, I would react or overreact like this and then he would go off an sulk. That's how it feels again.
He's also sulking because I am going away overnight soon. He hates me going away. He broke down and cried at the airport last time I did that and I almost didn't go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/11/2022 19:59

BastardtheCat · 21/11/2022 19:57

You have two posts running about this OP.

Didn't know where to post it!

OP posts:
daytriptovulcan · 21/11/2022 20:02

Well he's just biding his time till you put a foot wrong. You know it and he knows it. All sounds a bit uncomfortable.

Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/11/2022 20:04

daytriptovulcan · 21/11/2022 20:02

Well he's just biding his time till you put a foot wrong. You know it and he knows it. All sounds a bit uncomfortable.

It's very uncomfortable. I just feel spied on. I can't relax and then act out of character and he picks up on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/11/2022 20:06

He certainly didn't like me finding out about his affair. I caught him out. Out relationship was very different after that. Then he started going through my coat pockets, recording me, it felt just to catch me out. I almost felt like he wanted some sense of power in the relationship.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 21/11/2022 20:06

So you immediately got defensive, because of your history probably, when he asked you why your routine changed. To us you say you felt cold - reasonable- yet to him you didn't give a reason, just that you wanted an earlier one and pointed out previous times he hadn't noticed.
I think you were looking for and expected a reaction, maybe you are surprised he said nothing other times.
It's not gaslighting, it's fair of him to ask, but you chose to attack him for asking by being defensive, and he's just walked in from work - not the time to unnecessarily have a go at someone. Somehow, I'm uneasy about you showing off about it to your son - he'll only be confused at your reaction if he doesn't know the history behind it. A simple, it's nothing' would of been fine for your DS - because, in the end, it was over nothing, but somehow you are making a big deal out of nothing ( which is why your DH is miffed, I would be too if you spoke to me that way tbh).

Opentooffers · 21/11/2022 20:07

Bloody hell, drip feed of the century !

Watchkeys · 21/11/2022 20:09

Forget about right and wrong. Forget about trying to do the right thing.

A relationship is supposed to feel good. We are supposed to do things in our lives that make us feel good. And there are laws to stop us doing damage to other people. Apart from that, there are no rules or guidelines. This is a really important thing to realise, in order to start being responsible for yourself. Whatever you do, nobody can tell you it's right or wrong, unless you've broken a rule or a law. If you exhibit a behaviour and a person doesn't like it, that's not because you're wrong, it's because they don't like it. It's not up to them to decide whether you are right or wrong, and there's no way of knowing.

It works both ways. He asks you questions, you don't like it. He sulks, you don't like it. Lots of people wouldn't like it. But it doesn't matter if it's wrong or right, and there's no way of knowing, except the opinions of people. He will think he's right, you will think he's wrong, and there's no authority figure to tell you which of you knows best: YOU have to decide.

So, in life, spend your time with people who like the things you do. People who generally think you're right about stuff, or respectfully debate differences of opinion. Avoid people who make you think your feelings are 'wrong'; they can't be. If someone makes you think that, then your feelings are wrong for them, and the best you can do it steer clear of them.

Sandra1984 · 21/11/2022 20:10

jeallybellybean · 21/11/2022 19:53

He records the conversations with me and my children sometimes as he thinks I am having an affair.
He had an affair two years ago for a period of a year. Wouldn't surprise me if he is doing it again.
I left my phone at home last week on purpose as I wanted to take my son out and thought he would disagree. He found out as he recorded us whilst he was at work.
Feel like he is always trying to catch me out.
It makes me defensive as I feel on edge.

run…. Run…. Run like the wind. You’re in an abusive relationship with a very controlling freak.

Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/11/2022 20:10

Opentooffers · 21/11/2022 20:06

So you immediately got defensive, because of your history probably, when he asked you why your routine changed. To us you say you felt cold - reasonable- yet to him you didn't give a reason, just that you wanted an earlier one and pointed out previous times he hadn't noticed.
I think you were looking for and expected a reaction, maybe you are surprised he said nothing other times.
It's not gaslighting, it's fair of him to ask, but you chose to attack him for asking by being defensive, and he's just walked in from work - not the time to unnecessarily have a go at someone. Somehow, I'm uneasy about you showing off about it to your son - he'll only be confused at your reaction if he doesn't know the history behind it. A simple, it's nothing' would of been fine for your DS - because, in the end, it was over nothing, but somehow you are making a big deal out of nothing ( which is why your DH is miffed, I would be too if you spoke to me that way tbh).

I didn't get chance to properly explain myself or my "case" to my partner. I often have to explain my behaviour to him if it just slightly different to normal. It makes me tired. My friends aren't questioned about having a shower earlier.

He looked very annoyed and suspicious of me doing that. He didn't even say hi to me, he just went straight in with me having a shower early. Which I did on Friday and previous times before when we have been home together all day. He asks me questions about me wearing perfum etc when he isn't with me. I felt like he was picking a fight.

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 21/11/2022 20:13

why live like this

Naunet · 21/11/2022 20:17

Do you feel trapped into being with him? I couldn’t live like this.

Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/11/2022 20:21

Naunet · 21/11/2022 20:17

Do you feel trapped into being with him? I couldn’t live like this.

Yes.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 21/11/2022 20:22

how can you live like this? Sounds like your poor kids are brought into this negative behaviour also by telling them why their dad is in a mood. Don’t involve them in your arguments, it’s horrible for kids

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