Is this gaslighting?

[jeallybellybean]

Hi,
Am I being unreasonable?
I had a shower before my fella got home tonight, before I made tea.
I normally don't like to do this as I don't like to smell of food.
But tonight I was cold after being sat in a car for an hour. I needed a shower. I wanted to have a shower before we had tea at 7pm so I could have an earlier chilled night, but the whole time I wondered if my fella would question why I have done this. Is this wrong to think this way in the first place?

He came home and the first thing he said was, have you had a shower? I said yes. He said that's not like you to have a shower before tea. You normally don't like to smell of food. I said I know but I just wanted to shower earlier than usual, I had cooked in my comfies / pjs for the past three nights and you haven't said anything. I had a shower before tea on Friday when we were home together and you didn't say anything.
He seemed to have "a face on". There seemed to be a tone from him. I felt something was "off". He said it's just unlike you.

He then said how long until tea. I said fifteen mins. He said he was going to have a shower then.

I felt like I had been questioned. It was only two questions, but I felt like I had to explain myself to him. It didn't feel right.

He's now sulking in our bedroom about it. Annoyed with me for saying to the children I am cross because I just said to the kids that I am annoyed because I felt I had to explain myself to him about having a shower before tea. It didn't feel right.

He said he only asked two questions. I was the one who was getting all suspicious.

I stated that it irks me when I get questioned about simple things like a shower. I was in a controlling relationship for five years before this one (been in this relationship for five years now) and it just raises alarm bells. Not saying he is like my ex, but it just triggers something in me to feel defensive.

Sorry for ranting and rambling. Just felt gaslighted

The shower questions were 'off', the subsequent sulking in the bedroom - red flag and the post I've quoted - red flags!

He is controlling and you are in an abusive relationship.

I don't think it's gaslighting but it's definitely quite controlling. You can shower when you want...it does sound like he's somewhat suggesting iou were showering to cover something up.
It must feel like a tense environment to be living in

It's a red flag, for me at least

I don't know. It's felt like an endless ten years of controlling and abuse. I don't really know what normal is anymore. Maybe I thrive of the drama as I know nothing different. He's not their dad. Still not right to involve them, but they heard everything about what he said tonight and didn't understand why I was giving reasons for an early shower. My daughter said just say it's because you wanted to. No reasons needed.

Forget about the shower. He records you? Sorry so many red flags there. I'd be sorting how to get out of this wretched relationship as soon as possible.,

Why do you need to know what normal is? Why is that relevant?

Because I am asked why I live like this. I don't know what a normal relationship is anymore. I can't remember the last time I wasn't questioning myself or worrying about what I was doing or how that might be perceived. Or cancelling nights out with the girls in case he was upset about it or he will sulk for days before and after so the night out isn't worth it as I know what will happen. The good times are great but the bad times are awful.
I feel so lost. I feel sad. I always seem to be the one to apologise.
When I caught him out for having an affair I ended up apologising for spying on him and following him.
He was awful to me during the affair. Like this. Sulking in our bedroom on his phone. Making me feel like I was losing my mind. Knowing he was hurting me.
When I found out, how his personality changed. Then it felt like he has spent the next two years finding my faults; two years beating me down again so I feel useless, worthless.
I have no strength to leave. I feel weak.
I owe my parents so much money, I have to wait until that's paid off before I can walk away.
I go to work everyday. I look after the children. I have found myself lying to him and I don't know why.
I have had counselling. I still feel so sad. My children keep me going.

But why does it matter if you can or can't say it's normal? What difference does it make to you? Is it 'It's normal so I should be happy', or 'It's not normal, so it's alright for me to feel like shit' or 'If I don't know what normal is, how can I judge how I'm supposed to feel?'

It's not healthy to try to be happy with something you're not happy with. Even if it's normal. So, if you had a partner who bought you a puppy, that would be a nice thing to do, but if you hated dogs it would be an unpleasant thing to do. The action itself doesn't matter: how your feelings are looked after is what matters.

I had a friend who hated being stroked gently because her abuser had done this as a precursor to abuse when she was a kid. She got a boyfriend who gently stroked her, she told him she didn't like it, and he carried on, telling her it was normal. And it is. Was she right to dump him, or should she have silenced her feelings because he was doing a 'normal' thing?

We all have our own normal. What's normal for you isn't normal for me. Do you try to force yourself to eat foods you don't like, because it's normal to like them? Do you watch films you don't like because it's normal to like them? No, because you respect your feelings in these matters. Do you spend time in a relationship you don't like? Yes. Why? Because you're not sure what's normal. IT DOESN'T MATTER. You like what you like, you dislike what you dislike, and you are responsible for making sure you don't eat broccoli, watch 'Love, Actually', or stay in this relationship. Other people might class all those things as normal, but if you don't like them, you don't do them.

Would your parents really want you to stay in an abusive relationship just to repay them?

If they would then there is your answer as to why you put up with this shit.

Just get him to leave....

Oh god, this is so sad to read. Do you want to get out OP? We can help you plan and problem solve.

Your parents wouldn’t want you to live like this to repay them earlier. This is not normal and you must know that. People do not record each other in happy relationships. He’s managed to turn his affair, his mistake into yours. You ended up apologising to him and now he’s doing this all the time to turn any negative behaviour from him into your fault. Whether they are his children or not they are growing up with a completely abnormal view of what a normal relationship is. If you won’t leave for yourself, leave for them. This is a toxic environment. Contact women’s aid for advice. Don’t waste another day of your life with this man

Unfortunately, my parents do know what I am going through. They want me to leave. In fact, my dad said to me before I die I want to see you either happy single or in a happy relationship, not in this one. Yet, in the same breath he wanted to ensure his money was paid back. The house is in my partners name but my money in it. When we bought the house, my name was on my house with my ex and this house came up - it was a bargain. We said we would put my name on the mortgage when we remortgage the property. That isn't due for another 3 years.
I owe my parents £20k
I can't get a loan to pay them off and get out to move into a hostel, as I am currently paying off another loan and can't afford more.
My dad is quite controlling. Even now my mum will call me about my dad to chat things through. She is placid like I am, but sometimes the smallest thing just makes her crack and blow up and then my dad says she is moody. Perhaps that's why I choose controlling relationships.
I went to a hockey game to watch my daughter play in a match last weekend. I was stood with my partner, we were happy. Then one of the dads stood near me and we were chatting about the girls and the match. I included my partner twice saying he had noted the same thing about the match etc. I then noticed my partner's face had changed, he had stepped backwards and away from me and this dad. I continued my conversation, so not to seem rude but then went to my fella and asked what was wrong. He said nothing. It came out three days later that he was annoyed-why had that dad come to talk to me and not another mum (even though he had been talking to another mum in the first half). Why do these things only happen to me. Why do men make a bee line for me to chat to me? What do I do when he isn't there?
I was confused. I had stood there. Chatting to him. Another dad joined us and I had encouraged that?! Events like this are not uncommon, but apparently I am so naive and don't realise what I am doing in these situations. Maybe that's why the shower questioning felt a little "off".
I don't know what to think any more.

Please call Womens aid.

Your poor children.

Heartbreaking to read that you have them in a home with a controlling emotionally abusive man.

Surely you don't want your life for your children?

If you want better for them, YOU have to do better.

Ask Womens aid to help you get advice concerning this money.

You are being abused.

£20k is not worth staying in this relationship for OP. if you walk away, from what I undertstand you will lose that £20k as its tied up in the house in his name only?

But at the moment you can't see the wood through the trees. You can't think straight. You were nervous about taking a shower for goodness sake and turns out you had ggod reason to as he did question it.

You need to walk away so you can get some perspective and mostly so you can be happy, just you and your dc. You may or may not find a happy relationship down the line, but thats not anywhere near the top of your list right now.

You have support here and we can help you plan. Also please call womens aid, they can help you with advice, putting you in touch with help etc.

At the end of the day yours and your dc's happiness is worth so much more than losing that £20k. You'll figure a way to pay that back, once you are free from all this anxiety and this awful man.

Let people help you. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to about all of this? Anyone who would be able to help you put some plans into place?

OP this is not normal...

If you can't have a shower when you bloody like in your own home something isn't right.

It sounds like you got yourself into another abusive relationship unfortunately.

Get yourself and your kids out of this situation and seek support/counselling.