Am I doing my children a disservice by now being ‘friends’ with their dad following affair and divorce?

[Wanda36]

Ex husband cheated on me for a long time, once I found out we separated and divorced. Children are under 5 and we have been separated 3 years.
We are civil and co parent pretty well. If we didn’t have children I would never speak to him again after how he treated me but I worked hard to get to this stage and I don’t imagine our children have any idea, at least at the minute, how rough our divorce was.
my ex husband would love for us to have ‘family days out’, he frequently asks us to do things together like swimming, dinners out etc. i always politely decline. We do attend school functions etc together but outside of that I have no interest in spending time with him.
he has said a few times I should be trying to put the kids best interests first and we should be friends. He’s not my friend. I really dislike him.
my own family and friends have said similar despite knowing how he treated me, things like “maybe one day you can be friends for the childrens sake”.
i can never imagine this being the case nor would I want to. He completely broke me as a person and that’s not the kind of friend I need. I feel like being civil, communicating about the children and briefly chatting when the children are about it more than enough.

He's got a nerve telling you to put the childrens best interests first when he was the one who tore the family apart by cheating!

Not being friends * in title

I think the way you are managing this is spot on. You communicate regarding the children and you have set firm clear boundaries. It's the boundaries bit he doesn't like.
Your DC will be happy as long as you continue to co parent well as this reduces stress and tension in their life.

Keep doing what you are doing and politely declining his invitations.

He broke up your marriage with his behaviour.
He doesn’t get to call the shots. I agree with you that it’s your decision he doesn’t get to chose to have family days out when he was the one who with his own actions broke up the family.
Its just a way of him having control over a part of your life and using the excuse of the children to try to get you to agree.
He could be feeling guilty or wants to say to people me behaving awful was okay as we still have days out as a family.

As for the friends and family they are not very supportive if that’s what they are saying.
You are coparenting showing no animosity to him for the children's sake.
I think you are doing well after him treating you so badly.

This!

I greatly admire how dignified you are being. I'd probably still be sniping and point scoring and complaining about the unfairness of it all. Well done on not doing any of that as it can't be easy but you are doing your best for your children and in the long term you'll be glad you did.

Him wanting to be friends and doing things together is really for his sake to make him feel less bad about what he did I suspect.

I think you are being completely right in what you are doing. Why should you be “friends” with someone who did that to you?

Is he currently single? Besides the obvious issue that you dont want to, I can also see a problem that if he sets this up as a pattern whats going to happen when he gets a girlfriend. Most partners wouldnt be happy for their partner to go off on days out with their ex-wife. So would you then have to explain to your kids that daddy isnt bothered about having family days out anymore because he's got a new girlfriend? It sounds lovely in theory but isnt very sustainable in practice even if you were up for it. Your approach seems much more sensible

I think what you are doing is right. I split up with my exh 11 years ago and our children are now adults.

We get on fine but are very rarely in contact now as it's not needed.

We used to do joint parent evenings and we had dinner together last year at dd's graduation and dd loved that we could do that as it was a special occasion for her but we wouldn't have done that on a normal day to day basis.

he has said a few times I should be trying to put the kids best interests first and we should be friends.

Says the man who prioritised his dick over his kids. In the words of the great Amy Winehouse, “What kind of fuckery is this?”. You are handling it perfectly!

Ignore the sanctimonious twat and anyone who dare question your handling of the situation. He’s dead lucky that his kids have a mother such as you.

The bare faced check of some men never ceases to amaze me.

I think it’s less confusing this way. Your children have clear boundaries and are less likely of going through a phase where the want to try and get you back together.

He can’t have it all; cheat on you then expect you to play happy families. From various experiences children are often more confused by their separated parents doing this especially as it always suddenly changes when one person gets a new partner. it sounds like you are doing amazingly

Keep doing what you're doing.

Anything else risks confusing the children and even give them hope that "mummy and daddy might get back together again"...

My parents were somewhere in the middle- they would do school events together, come to see school plays etc and my dad would also come to the house once a week to spend time with us after school. We certainly wouldn't have gone swimming together or spent any other social activities together.

As time has gone on, things have changed. We are all adults now and we have all been through a lot of sh*t to put it bluntly. We now spend more time together doing social things. For example both my parents and step parents came for Christmas dinner last year.

My parents never told me why they split up although I do know some details (alcoholism being one). Other things have been kept from me to protect me and my mum has never slagged off my dad to me ever. This has meant I have preserved my relationship with my dad in circumstances where I might not have done had I known my mums true feelings.

You're handling this with amazing dignity. Please do not be pressured into more.

If he asks you again to 'put the children's interests first', there is no need to undo your hard work by exploding, but I honestly think you have earned the right to smile politely and say 'having an affair wasn't very friendly though was it, John? Believe me, I am definitely putting the children's interests first in chatting to you nicely now. Please accept my boundaries and let's continue to be civil'.

Wow! He wants it all his own way, doesn't he? You have gone above and beyond to put the children first and co-parent civilly with him, you do not need to be friends to do this. If he had wanted family days out, he shouldn't have had an affair.

Being civil is good for the children.

Friendship supposes a level of trust he won't be getting back.

I split with my ex when my DD was 2 - a long time ago. Ex and I were civil, shared parents evening and speech days etc but not 'family days'. Same as OP really. DD was happy with the arrangements and it meant her graduation and wedding day was stress free.

I actually think that if we had shared 'family days' our relationship would not have been amicable because I would have resented his controlling ways and snapped.

Do what you are comfortable with OP - he is the one who messed up the children's lives - that is if they are messed up.

It seems you do things in an appropriate way, in my opinion.

We aren’t a family. I’m not your wife.

you should have thought about that every second you were having sec with someone else or spending time with them instead of your children

on a loop

Yanbu

The sort of arrangement proposed by your ex often falls apart when new partners enter the scene. He has a cheek trying to rewrite the past and get to live apart but see the kids for fun. If I had this arrangement then I would be concerned about the kids fantasizing about their parents getting back together. Together just for important events like weddings and graduations is perfectly fine imo.

My ex left for the same reason and my kids understand that while him and I will never get back together because of his behaviour, it makes me happy when they get along with their dad.

This ^

This 💯

Not a chance, the way you are handling it is enough contact. He doesn't get to play happy families on days out etc, probably while expecting you to be the one doing all the parenting

He just wants you to go swimming and do ‘family days out’ because - as everyone knows - it’s way easier to do those things enjoyably with small kids if there’s another adult doing 50% of the shitwork.

He wants a wife figure to manage all that.
Alas for him, he fucked it up.

Carry on just as you are, OP. It’s better for the children your way in the long run.

You are handling it beautifully.

He doesn't get to live entirely without consequences for his behaviour at your expense, he's living in dreamland!

It does sound as he's single currently so trying to get his feet under your table until his next girlfriend comes along.

I'm gobsmacked at your friends and family suggesting you bend over backwards for someone who treated you like he did.
I'd be emailing them all this thread and suggest they post on it so the women of MN (who in general want the best for each other) can give it to them straight about loyalty!