Husband's emotional affair

[Sehra1]

I'm in turmoil and so desperate for comfort and advice. I'm sorry this will be long I hope someone reads it and replies I'm experiencing grief like never before and I've lost a sibling so that is really saying something. I will try to be consise.
Me and my husband, both 38, have been together since we were 17 we are eachothers first everything. It was long distance at first he lived in a different city (we met at a wedding) and briefly broke up when we were 19 as he took an fancy to a local girl. I begged him not to break up but he did anyway however two months later things ended with her (I'm not sure how) and he proposed to me.
He moved to go to Uni in my city and we had an amazing relationship. The tables turned and he was now more infatuated with me than I was with him. He was an amazing fiance looking after me, picking me and dropping me wherever I needed to go spoiling me silly on special occasions.We got married at 24. We had small hiccups along the way..he used to watch porn every other day(privately) whixh caused an argument as our sex. ife was good- hes watches it alot less now. and when I was pregnant with our second child I caught him searching escorts. He swore he was just fantasizing and phone records didn't show he rung any of them so I let him off.
Fast forward to now, 14 years married and 3 children dd 9, ds 6 and dd 19 months. Life seemed perfect. He's a wonderful husband and dad he's kind and caring and our sex life is better than it's ever been.
He has a good job and trains people. He had a female colleague who I thought nothing of who came on the scene 8 months ago. She is very attractive and married with a son. Unkown to me 3 weeks ago he reached out to my best friend and said he needed to talk to her because he had a crush on this woman amd that it was getting out of hand and he loved me and didn't want to hurt me. They were supposed to meet up to discuss this however due to a family bereavement my friend couldn't make it to speak to him. Instincts are so strange the way they kick in. We were perfectly happy but I felt like something wasn't right. He was being more affectionate, wanting to take the kids out to expensive places to eat..and then this Monday we were out shopping and I caught him looking at jewellery and it threw me..it wasn't expensive sort of £15 gifts but it was the way he was interested so I asked him who he was thinking off and he laughed and said 'her'. I brushed off my gut instinct and we got home. He seemed to be in a happy mood then stepped out the house with no clear reason. When he came back and went to shave I looked in his car boot just instinctively and found chocolates and the necklace he had been looking at. I waited to see if they were for me and the necklace was...the chocolates weren't.
I checked his phone in the morning to see he was meeting with this woman but I didn't confront him as the text was platonic and he would've said it was for work. So I waited till he left and was anxious not sure what to do. Then I thought to check his internet history and bingo. He had been looking at hotels in the city he was seeing her. My world fell apart. I called him 14 times and he eventually called back. I cried he listened..he denied everything at first 'I'm not with her' so I told him I'd seen the text msg. 'There were no chocolates' so I said 'I've seen them too'. He was driving back to me when he called me obviously panicked at all the miscalls. He was an hour away and stayed on the phone. When he came home he looked devastated and guilt ridden. Told me he hadn't ruined anything amd that he had looked at hotels as just a fantasy of the possibility of taking her there..he said it was a stupid thought that came in his mind and he would never have gone through with it and to check his bank statements to prove he hadn't booked a room (I've been to devastated to actually check them). That he had told my best friend and if he was looking to start an affair he wouldn't have seeked help it was just a crush which was gone now after seeing how upset I was. He said they were both there for work but he offered to give her extra help in understanding a certain system she was struggling with which could well be true and maybe he thought he could use the opportunity to see how things were with her away from their regular office environment. He said she's such a happy and kind person and he guesses he got attached to her. They were spending quite a bit of time together and it only really became a serious crush 2 months ago which is why he called my friend. He begged forgiveness promised it was nothing and has since been trying to be extra lovely dovey taking us out doing more around the house..the glitch is he says she doesnt know about his crush on her and that they flirt at work in a fun way and he can't just stop training her although he will try to see if he can find an excuse to move her to someone else- I do get this he can't stop training her without eyebrows being raised in his workplace as everyone has seen the flirting. He said it gave him an ego boost and that he has self esteem issues- he's successful and handsome so don't quite understand that but he sounded convincing. He then said some things he shouldn't have 'I would be embarrassed to tell her what I was thinking why would she even go for me' - her husband owns a company and is well off and apparently all the men in the workplace were crushing on this woman so he thinks she had her pick. But also that everyone thinking she liked him gave him an ego boost.
How can I trust him ever again? My friend thinks that seeing me distraught would have bought him to his senses and he keeps telling me he's sorry for hurting me. Because nothing physical happened he thinks he deserves forgiveness but the betrayal of his fantasizing about someone else is too much for me. He said he wouldn't ever leave me for anyone and he wasn't imagining setting up home with her he just had a crush and let his imagination run away with him... But if I hadn't caught him out it could've led to so much more..amd that scares me to trust him around her or any woman for that matter. I don't know if I should just save myself anymore heartache and cut loose or believe him when he says he's realised and would never do anything to lose me. What if he's just saying it to keep me around cus it's easier and better for the kids? He has been really upset. Worried I'll leave him. Keeps telling me how much I mean to him and how sorry he is. He is otherwise a loving husband and we share so much history. I just don't know what to do. Also he's better looking and more successful than me however I would say the other woman is about the same level of attractiveness to myself. That's why I wasn't worried about her and now I'm in this mess😭

A husband, a true love, would not even look at another woman in this way. It should only be you...and same for a wife, she should never see another man in a romantic or crush way.
I feel like its such a trick when they openly say they're attracted to someone else, have a crush on them, even telling you he is fantasising about being with her. To make it look like he's being honest. When in reality all these things are totally wrong and disgusting. Not to mention perverted and creepy. This is not a man, this is a creep and this would totally turn me off this person. What sort of man acts this way?
This behaviour is too far gone and in my opinion not worth even trying to work on. This sounds like it's in his nature and just how far he is taking this fantasy by searching hotels etc, no training needs or should ever be continued outside of the work place. There are so many boundaries been broken here, work wise and most importantly relationship wise.
I would rather be alone than with that.
Ditch him, run as fast as you can.

OP I’m sorry you are feeling so upset. Only you can know if you can trust him properly again. You mention the porn and the breakup before you got married and I wonder if you have always felt a bit insecure about your relationship with him.

When I was younger I had an all-or-nothing attitude towards love and marriage but now realise that I was expecting too much of people, including myself. In my 50s now, I accept we are all just human, we all have our weaknesses, our fantasies (which are best kept to ourselves.)
I think he was wrong to tell you about his crush and to talk about his fantasies of the woman he’s training - that’s never going to be easy to hear and a quite cruel of him. Maybe you should mention someone (an actor or neighbour, etc) and what you’d like to do with them to show him how it feels!

If there is no evidence of an affair, and he just had a schoolboy crush and some wild but unfounded fantasies (the woman may well have had no knowledge of these nor any interest in him beyond work) could you forgive him? It does sound like he has had quite a jolt at your reaction. You know him best. Xx

so Sorry this happened to you. My thought is that you have stepped in just in time to head off a full blown affair. If you hadn’t found the chocolates and confronted him he would have gone through with the hotel. So what to do? An emotional affair is just as damaging as a physical one and can you stomach this relationship with all the flirty banter? I couldn’t but only you can decide if your marriage can survive. I would ask him for space to decide what you want to do as the trust has been damaged.

Sadly you've had a few instances where he has behaved in an underhand way and I think it would be hard to rebuild trust. You would need help from an experienced professional who was able to help you both navigate the process, and I'm not sure if they exist. Does anyone know or has anyone been through this? It would be difficult and would take time to reestablish trust. Ending a marriage is also hard, especially with children involved, so you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I think your friend is right, seeing you so distraught may cause him to change. But maybe you really need to put it all on the line to see how willing he is to make a change?

I think it was just a crush, a strong one , but didn't develop ro anything more . When you're married a long time as you have been you go through hormonal changes and I think they can cause crushes. I think you should try to work through this for the sake of your marriage and children . But make it clear that it will be the end if it happens again.

Well he's ruined it hasn't he, all those years seemed to have meant nothing.

I'm sorry for being pesemistic but of course you could stay together, try to re build some trust up to a point and that will take time for you to feel safe again but...

Your mind is never going to be the same a massive fundamental shift has gone on in which now you will look at him through defferent eyes.
Yes he did these things in your youth, porn is a red flag for his morality and the dumping of you in earlier years was quite abrupt and heartless but you were youthful and youth tends to bat or brush off offences more easily.
You now have children, marriage and years of teamwork, partnership and loyalty that has been broken and you must feel taken for granted.

He is a fool, many men are, it depends how many times you can keep on forgiving because I've found men that start this type of behaviour with women tend to go on and have further crushes or whatever you call them with even younger women as you age.

I'm sorry

I’m sorry - what?! This man sounds unhinged!! He was looking at hotels and bought chocolates for a married woman who is completely unaware?!

Jesus Christ run for the hills!! He sounds like a complete predator and I’d be concerned for this poor woman who thinks she’s being “trained”.

Also, did your best friend not say anything to you about your husband telling her he wanted to start an affair with a woman? (Who has no idea about this future affair yet from the sounds of it poor woman 😐)

So he wanted to speak to your best friend about a crush he has on another woman?

You nearly had me taken in up to that point.

He’s cheated on you multiple times, he clearly can’t be trusted - call the solicitor op and get rid of him

That actually happened to me, my friend's husband confessed to me, god knows why he did that.

Loved the drama of it I think, or maybe he thought it made him look like a stud and I'd put my hand up and say "no have an affair with me" such a knobhead.

I told her.
She divorced him.

He sounds like he enjoys having you on edge and feeling insecure , it’s either that or he has already cheated on you and doesn’t want you to go digging so he’s trying to convince you it’s just a crush . How long ago did he want to speak to your friend? And why your friend ? Did he think she wouldn’t tell you ? Sorry your going through this but be strong . Think of the worst case scenario of this and deal with your fears because honestly, you’ll be just fine in the long term .

@Sehra1

Just you need to say this- We need to talk and you know he trying to make up for what he done. But say I thought everything was great between us and I'm obviously not enough for you. To buy chocolates and necklace she just not a crush.

I would say maybe he needs to go figure out what he wants because it's obviously not me.
Maybe we should end. Explain you can't get past what he done. Your not comfortable his training her. Sorry if everyone knows she fancies him none of his colleagues are thinking of you and your children.
While it's boosting his ego telling him it makes you feel like your nothing. Flirting in from of his colleagues also very disrespectful to you.
Yes it's flattering to be given attention by another female but he almost giving into temptation and if you didn't catch him he would of done something.

Tell him you need to time and he needs to move or you will. It's not nothing but definitely something he wanted to do behind your back.

No apologies will make up for what he done. The only thing is he needs to completely cut her off if he really loves you. Shut it all down.

If he can't do that it's over and he needs to go. He destroyed the family.

It’s not an Emotional Affair …. It’s a one sided crush.

Being married doesn’t mean you get your hormones removed, it is possible to find other people attractive and have a bit of crush on them. The thing is you just wait for it to wear off (which it dull) … you don’t do anything about it. It’s also ok to have fantasies about people …

I do find his reaction a bit odd - what’s he talking to your mate about it for ? Why beating himself up?

His intentions must have been pretty serious. Why would he have risked blowing up your lives by telling your best friend otherwise?
Feel for you, OP. If it was me there would be no going back from this and I would ditch his sorry arse.

Looking up escorts during your pregnancy —> Infidelity
Acting on his ‘serious crush’ — They’re flirting at work with colleagues noticing; Buying her gifts and lying about it; Meeting her outside the office and lying about it; Looking up hotels in that location —> Infidelity

Sehra, your H is out there acting like a single guy. He’s making a mockery of you. It sounds like he is so invested in OW that she is in his head constantly, even when he’s with you.

He’s let you down terribly twice (that you know of) with his faithless, disloyal actions. In your shoes, my trust and respect would have plummeted to zero, so I couldn’t move forward with him. I would be visiting a solicitor to learn my options.

It all went wrong with the porn addiction. Having his mind saturated with the type of content that porn is nowadays and at the same time having respect for women ( any woman) would be very difficult for him to achieve, which unfortunately is being played out in his current behaviour.

A) he is a disrespectful shit for putting you through this and B) he is a dilusional one. He has a crush on another woman and just assumes she would fancy him back despite being in a marriage with a high flyer herself!

He has behaved very badly. It is worse because of what has happened in the past. Only you know whether you can forgive him it’s such a difficult situation for you with three children and you will obviously be thinking of them.

Can you perhaps go to some counselling and talk through the issues and help you work out whether you think you can go forward?

my only worry is that it happens again…

Thank to each of you who took out time to read my long message. To clarify the necklace was for me- I think he felt guilty about seeing her the following day. He wanted to talk to my friend so that she could talk to me and we could work it out rather than talking to a friend of his who might encourage it..Not that he has any really close friends he gives all his time to work and family. He said he didn't have the courage to speak to me directly he thought it would escalate things before he had a chance to explain

The book Not Just Friends I think it's called. He needs to read it. The problem is that if you forgive him it's a green light for next time. And of course this is always a next time as he's shown.

He felt guilty and scared of ruining our relationship so he wanted to talk to her essentially I think so she could talk him out of it and remind him of what he had and to not ruin it

Bit of a shitty position to put your friend in but I am really worried about looking at hotels. That goes further than just fantasising in my opinion. You can fantasise about it without actually looking into hotel options.

Name change fail OP?

He has to stop contact with her if you are ever going to trust him, no excuses.

I don't think i could ever trust someone like this again. This is horrible for you, I'm so sorry. It just be very confusing, especially as apparently nothing has happened, but i would say there is no smoke without fire. I doubt he's been completely faithful, this is just the first drip feed of what has gone on.

This! There are several red flags here for me. He has a history of this sort of behaviour but believes that if he just says it was fantasy and he didn't go through with it then that's OK. The issue is that has it ever happened and you haven't caught him? Would it have moved beyond fantasy if he hadn't been caught out? I was also struck by the fact that he told you that he was thinking of this person when he was looking at jewellery! Regardless of everything else he has done, and there are several questionable things, the fact that he thought it was perfectly fine to tell you he was thinking of someone else when looking at jewellery just shows either a complete disregard for your feelings and so makes him completely lacking in emotion or he enjoys upsetting you and gets a kick out of knowing he's keeping you on your toes.
Then the fact that he chose to discuss it with your best friend! Why her? To hurt you more when she told you?
I can't tell you what you should do but I think you should take a long time to think about how he treats you emotionally and whether this is a fair fair balanced relationship.