I'm in turmoil and so desperate for comfort and advice. I'm sorry this will be long I hope someone reads it and replies I'm experiencing grief like never before and I've lost a sibling so that is really saying something. I will try to be consise.
Me and my husband, both 38, have been together since we were 17 we are eachothers first everything. It was long distance at first he lived in a different city (we met at a wedding) and briefly broke up when we were 19 as he took an fancy to a local girl. I begged him not to break up but he did anyway however two months later things ended with her (I'm not sure how) and he proposed to me.
He moved to go to Uni in my city and we had an amazing relationship. The tables turned and he was now more infatuated with me than I was with him. He was an amazing fiance looking after me, picking me and dropping me wherever I needed to go spoiling me silly on special occasions.We got married at 24. We had small hiccups along the way..he used to watch porn every other day(privately) whixh caused an argument as our sex. ife was good- hes watches it alot less now. and when I was pregnant with our second child I caught him searching escorts. He swore he was just fantasizing and phone records didn't show he rung any of them so I let him off.
Fast forward to now, 14 years married and 3 children dd 9, ds 6 and dd 19 months. Life seemed perfect. He's a wonderful husband and dad he's kind and caring and our sex life is better than it's ever been.
He has a good job and trains people. He had a female colleague who I thought nothing of who came on the scene 8 months ago. She is very attractive and married with a son. Unkown to me 3 weeks ago he reached out to my best friend and said he needed to talk to her because he had a crush on this woman amd that it was getting out of hand and he loved me and didn't want to hurt me. They were supposed to meet up to discuss this however due to a family bereavement my friend couldn't make it to speak to him. Instincts are so strange the way they kick in. We were perfectly happy but I felt like something wasn't right. He was being more affectionate, wanting to take the kids out to expensive places to eat..and then this Monday we were out shopping and I caught him looking at jewellery and it threw me..it wasn't expensive sort of £15 gifts but it was the way he was interested so I asked him who he was thinking off and he laughed and said 'her'. I brushed off my gut instinct and we got home. He seemed to be in a happy mood then stepped out the house with no clear reason. When he came back and went to shave I looked in his car boot just instinctively and found chocolates and the necklace he had been looking at. I waited to see if they were for me and the necklace was...the chocolates weren't.
I checked his phone in the morning to see he was meeting with this woman but I didn't confront him as the text was platonic and he would've said it was for work. So I waited till he left and was anxious not sure what to do. Then I thought to check his internet history and bingo. He had been looking at hotels in the city he was seeing her. My world fell apart. I called him 14 times and he eventually called back. I cried he listened..he denied everything at first 'I'm not with her' so I told him I'd seen the text msg. 'There were no chocolates' so I said 'I've seen them too'. He was driving back to me when he called me obviously panicked at all the miscalls. He was an hour away and stayed on the phone. When he came home he looked devastated and guilt ridden. Told me he hadn't ruined anything amd that he had looked at hotels as just a fantasy of the possibility of taking her there..he said it was a stupid thought that came in his mind and he would never have gone through with it and to check his bank statements to prove he hadn't booked a room (I've been to devastated to actually check them). That he had told my best friend and if he was looking to start an affair he wouldn't have seeked help it was just a crush which was gone now after seeing how upset I was. He said they were both there for work but he offered to give her extra help in understanding a certain system she was struggling with which could well be true and maybe he thought he could use the opportunity to see how things were with her away from their regular office environment. He said she's such a happy and kind person and he guesses he got attached to her. They were spending quite a bit of time together and it only really became a serious crush 2 months ago which is why he called my friend. He begged forgiveness promised it was nothing and has since been trying to be extra lovely dovey taking us out doing more around the house..the glitch is he says she doesnt know about his crush on her and that they flirt at work in a fun way and he can't just stop training her although he will try to see if he can find an excuse to move her to someone else- I do get this he can't stop training her without eyebrows being raised in his workplace as everyone has seen the flirting. He said it gave him an ego boost and that he has self esteem issues- he's successful and handsome so don't quite understand that but he sounded convincing. He then said some things he shouldn't have 'I would be embarrassed to tell her what I was thinking why would she even go for me' - her husband owns a company and is well off and apparently all the men in the workplace were crushing on this woman so he thinks she had her pick. But also that everyone thinking she liked him gave him an ego boost.
How can I trust him ever again? My friend thinks that seeing me distraught would have bought him to his senses and he keeps telling me he's sorry for hurting me. Because nothing physical happened he thinks he deserves forgiveness but the betrayal of his fantasizing about someone else is too much for me. He said he wouldn't ever leave me for anyone and he wasn't imagining setting up home with her he just had a crush and let his imagination run away with him... But if I hadn't caught him out it could've led to so much more..amd that scares me to trust him around her or any woman for that matter. I don't know if I should just save myself anymore heartache and cut loose or believe him when he says he's realised and would never do anything to lose me. What if he's just saying it to keep me around cus it's easier and better for the kids? He has been really upset. Worried I'll leave him. Keeps telling me how much I mean to him and how sorry he is. He is otherwise a loving husband and we share so much history. I just don't know what to do. Also he's better looking and more successful than me however I would say the other woman is about the same level of attractiveness to myself. That's why I wasn't worried about her and now I'm in this messðŸ˜