Marriage

[Nicotime]

Hi, would very much like some advice

First up, I'm male and feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

My partner wants us to get married. I feel like there are things we need to fix in our relationship before we do that. Our arguments feel horrific (to me). Often they result in talk of splitting up. The arguments are normally about things I've done, or not done, not physical things, more how I've made my partner feel. This makes me feel very insecure in our relationship, being made aware that I'm regularly not making my partner happy.

I explain this is a reason for not wanting to get married yet. But I'm told I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and that everyone argues and it's normal, and it's all a delay tactic as I don't want to get married.
This makes my partner feel not wanted, unloved, and very upset, and like I don't believe in our relationship.

Does this make sense to anyone? I don't know what to do. I've don't want our relationship to end.

With frequent arguments which result in discussions about splitting up, it’s splitting up you really need to be pursuing, not marriage. Is this really the relationship either of you saw yourselves being in when you were first starting out? Feeling insecure and worthless, fighting, and never knowing whether you’re coming or going? There are no prizes given out at the end of your life for staying the longest time in a miserable relationship.

Frequently arguing about the same things and not being able to resolve anything means you’re incompatible. Throwing the breakup grenade into the mix over and over means it’s a toxic environment. If you really don’t want it to end then the two of you need to get yourselves into some kind of relationship counselling pronto. Whether it can fix anything is debatable: by the point the automatic response to a disagreement is one of you saying it’s over, you’ve got a long way to claw back.

Marriage, or a long term relationship is hard work along the way and years.
people can’t threaten splits and endings at the drop of a hat.

it’s a running joke in our 20 year marriage to piss off to bed instead of arguing cause someone is always either tired, stressed or hungry

How long have you been together?

What about some marriage guidance counselling? You don’t have to be married yet! Some churches also run marriage prep courses even if you are religious . Again marriage prep needn’t be a run up to marriage, but good pastors will bring out differences and similarities and difficulties and get you thinking how to resolve or if marriage is right

you sound like you need to figure this out and trying to do it just yourselves is not resolving it.

if you decide to split, you’ll both come out of it more self aware for future relationship s.

Horrific arguments are not normal especially if they usually end up with talk of ending the relationship.

But how many of these arguments are about marriage?
You do not need a perfect relationship to get married, that’s Disney brainwashing if you think that. It’s more a leap of faith when you decide to marry.

Think about what is the #1 cause of the arguments. If it’s you putting off marriage, then you need to have a serious think about what is holding you back and consider letting your partner go.

If the #1 cause of arguments is other stuff, then marriage is not wise. It won’t fix a relationship. The only thing worse than marrying to keep a dying relationship stumbling along is having a baby to “bring us closer”. Id suggest some sort of counselling.

8 years

Yeah I get the disney perfect marriage thing isn't real. I'm completely OK with us having different opinions on stuff and that sometimes might create uncomfortable conversations.
But then again now I'm thinking about it, we must be on different wavelengths with regard to what is ok and not ok with regards to arguments. Guess we're both entitled to find different levels of arguments acceptable

Must have proper pre marriage prep classes and know that not getting married is still a good result as you've seen you don't want an unhappy marriage.

Ah, I can see why she feels like you're using it as a delaying tactic.

In all honesty, do you want to marry her at all? Is that what you see as your future?

I mean you're continuing on in the relationship for years despite the arguments, presumably living together as if married, so you can kind of see her point.

What are the issues between you?

I'd have a serious think about whether you actually want marriage with her, or marriage at all. If you don't, don't keep her hanging on thinking you might want to one day.

If you do want to marry her but want the relationship to be different, then you need to do something proactive like going to relationship counselling and sorting out the issues.

Sounds like your partner is very insecure. Do you love them? Do you see a future together? I think if you have serious doubts err on the side of caution. I found marriage took away insecurities rather than added to them though

Not everyone argues like that, or at all. We occasionally disagree but neither of us has ever threatened to split up and we never shout, swear or name call.

Even if they did, so what, that doesn’t make it good enough for you.

Absolutely don’t get married and next time she threatens to leave or chuck you out just agree.

Yikes, I just saw your other message - 8 years! That's a very long time to be together and only just talking about marriage too. I think if you don't know by now that you ant to marry her then you never will.

It sounds to me like you don’t actually want to marry this person.
Ive been married for many years, and it’s not something I’d ever do again. I’d never get so legally and financially attached to another person again.
Think about what YOU want.

You sound like my dh and I before we got married - we were together 10 years before we did.

Your partner wants to marry and you don’t - you have to decide whether it’s a dealbreaker for you. Do you want children? If so, Do you think it’s fair to have them whilst unmarried to their mother?

All I can say is, all our arguments tended to be about not being married (I admit it made me very insecure as we had dc too). Now we are married we rarely argue. The fact you say you don’t want the relationship to end suggests you love her and are happy with her? If so I would examine the reasons why you don’t want to get married. And if you really don’t want to and she does, let her free to go find someone who can give her what she wants.

8 years? You’d know by now and I think you know you do not want to marry her or marry at all. Otherwise you’d be married by now.

I think you are using the “things to fix first” as a delaying tactic because you’re in denial and you are afraid to tell her you don’t want to marry because you know that will be saying goodbye to her and hurt her terribly.

But you need to be honest with yourself and your partner, it’s a greater betrayal & hurt in the long run to string someone along for years. Marriage is obviously important to her and if you cannot do it, you need to let her go.

Yes I do want to spend the rest of my life with her. I wouldn't be in a relationship otherwise.

I can kind of see the contradiction between that and what I've said earlier though.

She says she feels like she has to pass my test before I agree to get married. Obviously that's not true but I do understand why she feels like that.

Getting married right now would feel like I'm saying "yes, I'm completely happy with how we argue, and how it makes me feel, I'm OK for it to continue like that"

On the flip side, I can see why that makes it seem like I'm saying she's not good enough.

8 years??!!You're wasting her time. Just tell the woman truth she might need to move on

Getting married right now would feel like I'm saying "yes, I'm completely happy with how we argue, and how it makes me feel, I'm OK for it to continue like that"

Marriage is what it says on the tin. It’s commitment to be together for life to love, comfort, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad.

Marriage isn’t saying you’re 100% happy and have nothing to improve on as a couple. It is saying, you’re the person for me and I’m confident we can support each other to be the human beings we are meant to be. To smooth the rough edges. To grow together. To become more in harmony as the years go by. That you will put in the work to fix issues like how we argue, how we communicate, how we make decisions, etc.

She says she feels like she has to pass my test before I agree to get married. Obviously that's not true but I do understand why she feels like that.

It is sort of true. I'm not saying you should get married when you're fighting or not happy, but it does seem like a carrot of she's a good girl sort of thing.

Get relationship counselling and try to change the communication/conflict styles between you.

8 years…yikes

Your relationship sounds pretty dire. The arguments you describe are not normal. There shouldn’t be anything to ‘fix’.

She obviously doesn’t want to feel like she’s wasted her time, hence the wish to get married.

She’s Mrs Right Now, and you are comfortable despite the issues.

I’ll bet you’ll be engaged to someone else within 2 years of your break up.

Split up and move on, you're not compatible and if you marry then you'll probably end up divorced. Sorry to be blunt but save yourself the stress & heartache. Plus, do you really want to bring up kids in this toxic atmosphere?

I think you have to accept that marrying her may mean having to accept that you will sometimes argue. You do seem to be coming across as saying you want her to learn how to bite her tongue and not say things that upset you before you will consider marrying her. It’s all about how you feel.

Maybe she gets upset bc she thinks you’re taking the piss?

I gave my dh an ultimatum as I was tired of him dicking me about. I told him I wanted to to set a date or I was taking our child and moving back in with my dm, and I meant it. He agreed we should get married and now I think he feels a bit daft about how against it he was - I think a lot of men are brought up with the “women are just out to fleece them” mentality or that there may be someone better out there. Do you think there may be someone out there who you’ll never argue with? If so that’s fine but you can’t have your cake and eat it - you need to let your partner free to find the same. If you can’t bear to lose her I guess you’ll have to get over yourself and marry her?!

What things do you want to fix and what steps are you personally taking to fix them?

If you aren’t taking any steps then that’s quite telling.

Agree with this, next time you or her threaten to split up, split up.

Hey I'm not pretending to be perfect. I can be an idiot, and do need that pointing out sometimes.
This isn't about me wanting her to bite her lip and not argue with me.
I love her and want her to be happy, so if there's something I can do, or not do, then I want to know about it.
It's just the anger and shouting and threats of selling the house amd ringing the estate agent. It's very unsettling and those arguments live with me for a long time. I think she forgets about them and moves on, but they make me feel like our relationship is on the edge.