Marriage

[Nicotime]

Hi, would very much like some advice

First up, I'm male and feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

My partner wants us to get married. I feel like there are things we need to fix in our relationship before we do that. Our arguments feel horrific (to me). Often they result in talk of splitting up. The arguments are normally about things I've done, or not done, not physical things, more how I've made my partner feel. This makes me feel very insecure in our relationship, being made aware that I'm regularly not making my partner happy.

I explain this is a reason for not wanting to get married yet. But I'm told I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and that everyone argues and it's normal, and it's all a delay tactic as I don't want to get married.
This makes my partner feel not wanted, unloved, and very upset, and like I don't believe in our relationship.

Does this make sense to anyone? I don't know what to do. I've don't want our relationship to end.

I've been on a relationship course online about how to have more open and safe discussions where we have different opinions.
I've talked to her about what I learnt, and tried to put it into practice.
Active listening, not getting defensive, acknowledging their feelings are valid, not minimising their opinion even if I disagree, asking how that made them feel, not changing the subject, using non verbal cues to show I'm listening, not interrupting, showing sympathy.

Some of these sound really obvious but I've found it all really helpful to learn about.

If you find you are arguing about the same things, consider what those things are? Is there room to do things differently? Also, it does take 2 to argue, so your tactic of learning communication techniques can only help. If the tactics don't work somehow, or it makes you realise that sometimes she might be looking for an argument, perhaps there is something specific in her life that sets her off that's unrelated to the subjects you argue about.

I'm guessing then that she is the one who is threatening the split and selling the house? I would also assume you have a very frustrated woman there who after 8 years feels that you do not want to get married to her? I notice that above you said you want to spend the rest of your life with her but you did not say you want to get married to her- do you or not? I'm thinking your dithering is the root cause of much of this. Shit or get off the pot.

Just want to echo what the others are saying - you are never going to have a "perfect relationship" or one in which you never argue. Also, frustrations and insecurity can magnify problems and reactions. Her saying that you should end it and sell the house could have more to do with her perception of you dragging your heals and finding excuses to not marry her than the current issue you are arguing about.

Do you love her? Are you committed to being together and linking yourselves legally/financially/emotionally for the rest of your lives? Are you willing to support each other and grow together? This is what marriage is - to be a team, compromise, communicate and work together to make each other stronger.

If your answers are "no", then you should end it for both of your sakes.

The arguments are normally about things I've done, or not done, not physical things, more how I've made my partner feel.

What kinds of things are these? Could you share some examples? Are there themes or is it about the same issue repeatedly? Her telling you how your behaviour has made her feel doesn't need to be an argument and I'm struggling to understand why it would become an argument.

This makes me feel very insecure in our relationship, being made aware that I'm regularly not making my partner happy.

I think you need to be aware that in a relationship no one is a mind-reader and everyone is going to unwittingly hurt their partner at some time or other! therefore you NEED your partner to give you feedback and let you know how your behaviour is making them feel - that is a normal part of how a relationship grows stronger. Your job is to try to listen, understand where your partner is coming from and decide if you can adapt your behaviour or not, based on what kind of relationship you want. This may not feel comfortable but being emotionally mature is recognising that when someone is upset with how you have made them feel this is about THEIR feelings. If you are unable to listen to your partner because of YOUR feelings of inadequacy or insecurity then I believe you do not have the emotional maturity to be in an intimate relationship and you need to work on that if you want to be in one.

If the issue is you would like her to give the feedback in a different way, then raise that at another time as a separate topic of conversation after you have addressed her concern. But if you cannot address her concerns because you are emotionally overwhelmed then this is the first issue you need to address to personally grow your own capacity to be in an intimate relationship.